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If you love someone, buy a bouncy castle. No one would leave you if you own a bouncy castle.
Remember, YOUR God is real. All those other Gods are ridiculous, made-up nonsense. But not yours. Your God is real. Whichever one that is.
I got up early to start the Lentil soup in the crockpot, and I realized I don’t have tomato paste, and now my Italian ancestors are cursing me (in Italian) from their graves. I’m pretty sure I just felt a wooden spoon hit my bottom.
first date idea we walk around a graveyard and guess how people died
Saw a few feral dads at the grocery today. They’d lost their shopping lists and didn’t have phones. Store staff were attempting to feed them without being bitten.
GOD: They scared enough?
ANGEL: Not yet
GOD: You got Trump running?
ANGEL: Yup
GOD: Hurricane?
ANGEL: Yup
GOD: Ok, send in the clowns.
Wife: I told you to baby proof the house!
Me: I did. That baby has no chance if it comes in here. The bear traps will make sure of that.
A fun thing about parenthood is that even when you get to close the bathroom door you’re never really alone
Son: You act like the dog is better than me.
Me: Sit
*dog sits immediately*
*son hesitates and then sits*Me: I rest my case
Me doing a heist: which one of us is gonna be British
Me: my Husband always wanted a Viking funeral
Friend: but weren’t you supposed to wait until he died to shoot him with a flaming arrow?
Me: ugh, that’s what the jury said too.
Guard: visiting hours are up.
Just microwaved some lasagna in an office full of carb-starved women, I feel like I’m in an axe body spray commercial
i’m not in a weird mood this is who i am.
Did a little math tonight. Need to do 3,527 hours of cardio to get down to my ideal weight by summer, and not consume any calories.
I’m not doing the london marathon today but I reckon if I start training now and eat more healthily, next year I should be able to watch a whole one.
When you say you’re a “foodie”, that means you like to eat gross food and then pretend that you like it? When I was a kid that just meant I got dessert.
Your baby is cute but terrible at helping me move.
I hate avocados
*gets kicked out of California*
Him: No more coffee for you.
Me: “Why? I’m fine,” I say while detailing the neighbor’s car.
Taken 4: How does this shit keep happening
Friend, at my first Pride: are you disappointed?
Me, dressed as a lion: no it’s fine
It wouldn’t be appropriate for me to comment further but that’s not going to stop me.
Every industry in the country, he lets put our products in these handy useful resealable ziplock bags!
Cereal & chip mfg companies, nah we’re good
OMG MOM SHUT UP IM TRYING TO SUMMON THE DARK LORD TO PLAY SCRABBLE YES I WANT A HAM OMELETTE
I’m walking more to lose weight in order to help my knees feel better. Walking more is making my knees sore.
The moral of the story?
Don’t have knees.
Wanna hear a construction joke?
I’m working on it.
[On a date]
Him: I’m really into cars.
Me: [Trying to impress] oh yeah me too
Him: Oh nice! What’s your favorite kind?
Me: [Panicking] red
[marriage counsellor looking at me after my wife is done speaking] why do you want to be on the masked singer so badly?
You can rain on my parade but please don’t poop in my punch bowl.