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*answers a bagel like a phone*
i’m just in a meeting right now i’ll call you back
I love reaching into my messy bag looking for something and everyone around me hears like glass breaking and bombs going off and a cat meowing from inside there
Twitter makes possible so many amazing things we couldn’t do before. Like trolling the Nazis:
I use a “retirement calculator” every morning before I leave for work to make sure I’m on track financially and I only have 1718 years to go
Sisyphus rolling the boulder up the hill and watching it roll back down again but it’s me muting advertisers on this app.
Me: *barges into the room*
How dare you accuse me of eavesdropping!
#RuinABandNameWithOneLetter
Mullet For My Valentine
There must’ve been a good reason Zimmerman pulled a gun on his wife. Like, maybe she was walking down the street, minding her own business.
[at the office]
Secretary: There’s a fax here for you.
Me: When did it arrive?
Secretary: 1983.
Me: Great. Let me know when the pony express pulls up with the mail from 1861.
WAITER: u can choose between 6 chocolate desserts and carrot cake
ME: the 6 chocolate desserts please
What’s the difference between bird flu and swine flu? Bird flu requires tweetment; swine flu requires oinkment.
we are always told “don’t eat the cookies that are cooling on the tray” and then “don’t eat the cookies that are in the jar” the loophole in this system is to eat the cookies while they are still baking in the oven.
me: that teaching babies to eat airplanes will destroy us all. one day we’ll create a baby large enough to eat real airplanes and be unable to either destroy it, or explain the horror that sating it’s desire for num-nums would unleash
date: …neat. my greatest fear is spiders
be myself? the person who got me into this mess????
Her: How were the joggers I got you for your birthday?
Dracula: Delicious
The key to doing well at wordle is to think Britishly
[Facebook post]
Wife: Decorating with the fam and listening to holiday music #blessed[real life]
Wife: QUIT THROWING THE GODDAMN ORNAMENTS AT YOUR BROTHER
Hospitals don’t like it when you unplug things to charge your phone w/ out asking first
I’m always amazed at how eating 2lbs of chocolate can make you gain 47lbs.
I feel the need, the need for tweed.
– Professors at Top Gun
Watch celebrities try to hit a fastball? No thank you.
Watch celebrities get hit by fastballs? Yes please.
Pizza is an emotion right?
doctor: no heavy exercise for a month
me: I should get a bell to put by my bed so everyone will know if I need something
dr: normal activity should be fine
me: I should get a flatscreen for the ceiling
dr: uh
me: oooh I should hire someone to turn my pillows to the cool side
I just ‘borrowed’ $20 from my teenage daughter.
She’s such an idiot.
Him: Who sings American Woman?
Me: Guess Who.
Him: Lenny Kravitz?
Me: Guess Who did it first.
Him: I don’t know.
Me: Guess Who.
Him: …
My husband swears he doesn’t read my stupid magazines, so I guess we have a ghost that leaves my Entertainment Weekly in the bathroom.
My favorite state to visit?
Unconsciousness
Where do I see myself in 5 years? I don’t even know where I am right now.
I hate it when my kid beats me in an argument, like this morning when I told her Oreos aren’t breakfast food and she countered with, “of course not, they’re the snack before breakfast”