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My Face ID only recognizes me if I’m chewing now.
I once lip locked the soft ice dispenser at Dairy Queen until the manager had to hit me with a mop. So I know a little bit about rejection.
wake up babe a new cause of homosexuality just dropped
Staring at my Barbie Dream House and realizing there’s a lot of places for spiders to hide in there. As one does.
I don’t consider it a good night out if it doesn’t end up as a super villain’s origin story
me: how did you get ink all over your skirt?
wife: oh umm, the printer at work exploded
dave the squid: [in the closet] just tell him about us
sleep paralysis demon: ew. why are you so sweaty?
Took my kids to the travel clinic in preparation for Thailand/Japan trip. Nurse told them they needed a typhoid shot. 10 asked dead serious, “Do we need a Japanphoid shot too? I love him 😂
I can’t believe I have to say this every year. Don’t share lip balm, you guys. That’s how the dry skin spreads.
Real women don’t wish their enemies would die, just that they’ll get fat.
Just a reminder: 3-year-olds like to be given a choice! When you’re getting ready to go, ask them “would you like to wear sneakers or sandals?” so that they feel INCLUDED and EMPOWERED to scream at the top of their lungs that they want to wear their Mickey Mouse bedroom slippers
My son asked to read one of my scripts three weeks ago. Still hasn’t read it. I can’t believe I’m raising a studio executive.
Yeah but how do misinformed people feel about it?
Satan’s greatest trick is convincing you he’s not real but there’s a quality drop-off after that. No. 2 is pretending his thumb is your nose
Imma just leave this here…………
If anyone needs an ark, I Noah guy.
I took a personality test and hoo-boy I do not appreciate some of the things it is saying about me.
Husband: How much of the kids’ candy are you going to eat?
Me:
Follow me for more fitness tips.
I can’t believe I used to talk to people.
I said “temperature’s dropped!” to someone I always pass on my walks and he replied, “I actually thought it was quite warm today”
That is NOT in the script. You’re meant to say “winter’s on the way” or “soon be Christmas” or “nights are drawing in”… something that roughly…
*First day as a boxing cornerman*
Me: So did you guys even try to talk this out first or what
My husband just said “I love hearing you laugh” so I asked “oh, do you think my laugh is cute?” and he said “no, it just makes me happy when you’re happy 😊” and I genuinely don’t know how to feel about this answer.
when you want to feed salmon to your mouth AND forehead
There needs to be a Yelp for coworkers:
Gary in Accounting – 3.2/5 Stars “He can’t read emails for shit, but he’ll occasionally bring in donuts for everyone”
My youngest child is choosing to drop out of homeschool and instead pursue her B.E.D.
me in the kitchen: how do i crack an egg
me watching great british bake off: what kind of an idiot forgets to poke steam holes in their banquet pie
that earthquake in LA was actually a huge crowd of white girls rushing into a wal-mart to buy a green t-shirt last minute
I’m not smiling because I like you, I’m smiling because I’m imagining a piano landing on your head.