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“I don’t think you’re ready for this jelly.” ~ me talking shit to my peanut butter sandwich.
i asked my mom why she was crying and she said because shes choping onions which is sad becuase as a young child she was adopted by onions
HER: My daughter is named Nevaeh which is heaven spelled backwards.
ME: *Phone rings* Hold on my son Elohssa is calling
(after sex)
Would you mind completing this brief survey?
I need plastic surgery to fix whatever it is about my face that gives people the impression I want to hear about their relationship problems
*Answers door naked*
Jehovah’s Witnesses… 😲
Me: Do you have a moment to let me tell you about my sex life? Here, have this pamphlet.
[angrily taking off banana suit] “Why didn’t you tell me we were going to a funeral”
When someone’s shooting at you, always run in a zig zag pattern. It won’t increase your odds. But it will make everyone laugh.
if i heard the mario coin sound whenever i completed a task maybe i’d accomplish more
I’ve never been sucker punched but I have had someone pick up the land line when I was trying to connect to dial up, so same
HER: i love mythology
ME: *sensing an opportunity* i love your thology too
my boss: here’s your raise
me: thanks
my landlord: he was talking to me
Interviewer: “Your resume says you’re good at jumping to conclusions?”
Me: “When can I start?”
I’m gonna be a professional farmer when I grow up. I’ve been wanting to get in that field for years.
Husband: My mom didn’t get the Mother’s Day candy we sent her.
Me: Oh no! I wonder what happened.
Husband: *pulls an empty box out of my nightstand*
Me: The dog is in SO much trouble.
[first date]
Me: I’m a very reserved person
Me: [5 minutes later] if aliens abducted me no one would miss me
The tag on my jeans says “Relaxed” so it obviously doesn’t have children.
you’re telling me this bread has monkey in it?
I’m not a doctor, which is why I’m able to offer surgeries for so much less than my competitors.
If you watch home alone backwards it’s about kid who tortures two strangers then his family comes home and yells at him
Kids will take 47 minutes to put on their socks and shoes then want someone to time them to see if they can take a bath and brush their teeth in 90 seconds.
I thought there was something wrong with my eye because the area around it was swollen but it was just my face getting fatter
going to the ER y’all need anything
Have you seen that ad where a Google Pixel owner talks about the phone automatically contacting emergency services after his car accident?
You know somebody is going to hit a telephone pole deliberately just to test that out.
Barney: I love you, you love me
Me: *rolling over in bed* look I thought this was a no strings thing
Finally passed GO. That’s the last time I eat a Monopoly board.
Wife: [holding old dog] I thought you took care of this yesterday
Stormtrooper husband: *looks out back to see gun marks all over the yard*
what all these pyramids be scheming about?
The worst kind of insomnia is snoring induced insomnia. That’s when every time you start snoring your wife shoves you awake…