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*sprains wrist doing sports
“MY NACHO HAND!”
Counting calories is great for when you want to eat and do math and cry at the same time.
honestly the best covid defense mechanism is just to smell really terrible when you leave the house. put on a shirt you get really sweaty in during a manic episode, the pheremone stench will give you a wide berth at the post office
Not sure if I actually like movies or just like looking at something while I eat popcorn.
BREAKING NEWS: Today I used a piece of wood that I kept in my garage since 2006 in case I might need it.
Who wants to go pull on some push doors with me??
[someone is rude to me online]
It’s really not worth getting upset over this[someone is rude to my friend online]
Well, I guess I gotta make some stranger cry today
I told my bf if he keeps forgetting to say “bless you” when I sneeze I’m going to just go ahead and let that old lady, nagging demon in.
He said “so what would be the difference?”
If anyone asks, you haven’t seen him in two weeks either.
car mechanic: I’m tired
drummer: I’m beat
pipe layer: I’m drained
gardener: I’m bushed
chef: I’m fried
tailor: I’m worn
plumber: I’m pooped
[Running a marathon]
Guy beside me: are- are you wearing tap dancing shoes?
ME: hey kids, who wants eggs, toast & bacon for breakfast?!
KIDS: we do!
M: I know right? who wouldn’t? here’s some cold pop tarts. eat up
*lies down in bed*
*closes eyes*
*gets comfortable and relaxes*Brain: *blows into mic* *tap tap* Okay, so where was I…
I just want to be high enough on the corporate ladder so I can walk around the office and yell at ppl while I’m eating a salad
Men over 35 are terrible at sharing their momma’s secret recipe for her most requested dish.
And now we wait.
Hey Chandler, wanna hang out with me, Phoebe and Monica later? We’re going to the park to open and close umbrellas in a fountain.
imagine being a bald vampire and every time you walk by a mirror your toupee is just floating.
One of the greatest gifts my kids have given me is my high tolerance for alcohol.
I’ve spent the six years trying to learn Braille via hospital elevators. So far, I know elevator.
you watch a movie then have to go to work the next day doesn’t seem right
“Hello darkness my old friend.”
Darkness: I’m not lending you any money.
Yes, my date did get up and leave during dinner but luckily she hadn’t finished her food.
I am really shocked that there is not a website devoted solely to the most clever Wi-Fi names of all-time.
Me: I would like to eat a boiled mermaid
Waiter: sir I don’t think you underst-
Me: the bottom half
Waiter: very good, sir
My seven year old just told me the average person sleeps 70% of their lives and I am just so impressed he can make up statistics above his grade level
[sees giant spider in house]
[tells girlfriend “I got this”]
[slowly rolls up magazine]
[uses magazine as megaphone & yells out the window “SAVE US!!”]
I officially know too much trivia. My wife just told me cream of mushroom soup was introduced in 1934, and now I can’t remember her birthday
But what is Congress going to do about the fact that I made too much pasta last night 😡
Thank you automatic ice dispenser.
I was hoping to get either 2 or 675 ice cubes.
You’re a busy woman. Let the smoke alarm tell you when the chicken’s done.
The first “cowboy” was a hideous creature, born of irresponsible science.