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robber: alright this is a robbery
dad: no this is a bank
robber: damnit dad not now
Got arrested at the farmers market for taking a leek.
Every fifteen minutes, a teenager crashes his car due to texting and driving. I hope he gives up, because he’s obviously not good at it.
One tricky thing about kids crying is trying to determine if they broke a crayon or got their arm stuck in a piece of farming equipment.
I put my phone in airplane mode.
Worst. Transformer. Ever.
My cat didn’t get me a Father’s Day card and things are a little tense around here right now.
I’m the kindest, sweetest person you’ll ever meet. However, if someone was having a seizure in my bathtub, I’d probably throw in my laundry.
Why do they ask your job on gameshows? It’s the least interesting thing about you. Ask people their favourite dinosaur.
{Pixar Meet & Greet}
Buzz Lightyear: I’m a talking toy
Dory: I’m a talking fish
Lightning McQueen: I’m a talking car
Guy from UP: My wife died
Everyone:
Dory: I’m a talking fish
I hope I never have to produce an alibi…cause eating salsa in bed with my cat every night would never hold up in court.
Frogs always look like they just found out there’s no free Wi-Fi.
Dr: Are you sexually active?
Me: *cries*
Dr: Um, are you sexually-
Me: *cries harder*
Dr: …..Ok. Do you drink?
Me: YES I BLOODY DRINK
Took my twins to their swim class and the coach showed them how to float on their backs then asked if they had any questions. My boy twin asked if there was any cake and I think it was a fair question
A group of held hands can raise your spirits.
It’s séance!
I want my friends and family at my funeral, but more than that, I want a mysterious stranger watching from behind a tree
Where is that goddamn asteroid already
*gleefully prepares egg salad sandwiches for milestone birthday party of office nemesis*
You know why I’ve never been murdered in my sleep? Because I leave a cheese plate out for murderers every night. It’s called hospitality maybe look it up sometime.
[someone breaks into the house]
Your dog: I will protect my family and our belongings
My dog: OMG OMG NEW FRIENDS HI I LOVE YOU LETS PLAY
Why do they call it “book club” and not “no one had time to read it but we’re still gonna get together and drink club”
Make new friends by waking up strangers with forehead kisses after they’ve fallen asleep on the train.
For Halloween my husband asked me to dress up as a nurse, cause that’s one of his fantasies: That we have health care.
On average I spend about $80 a year to watch bananas turn brown.
My 3yo made up a song called My Mommy Makes Me Happy When She Gives Me Snacks then asked me for a snack. She’s really good at this.
Everytime I see an odd screw on the floor somewhere I think one of my loose ones has finally come out.
Mom: Aww she is having so much fun!
Child (blowing bubbles and popping them): I CREATE AND DESTROY. I AM A GOD.
The reason I keep important things in my pants is so I’ll remember to wear pants.
Once a guy pisses me off, I cancel their whole age group.
Currently accepting men aged 53, 74, and 98.
My 15 year old dishwasher finally kicked the bucket today. So my husband said, “Well at least now I know what you’re getting for Valentine’s Day.” YALL.