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wife: look our baby can stand up
baby: what’s the deal with airplane food
Marty McFly: *plays Nickelback*
Guess you guys aren’t ready for that yet but your kids are gonna love it.
*returns to the present to find a world without children*
house sitting!
Our neighbors have little kids, so they hosted a “New Year in London” party
They dressed up, played croquet on the front lawn, watched a livestream from London, and were done by 6:30pm central 😂
houseplants b like due to personal reasons i will be passing away…
Sorry, I can’t make it. Can’t find my “goin out” sweatpants.
Customer Service Person: is there anything else I can help you with today?
Me: Is this a date? It feels like a date now.
If someone starts talking to you, easily get out of the conversation by nodding while climbing the nearest tree.
Silence is golden
But duct tape is silver.
I’m really tired of the LED headlights on some cars. Like I’m really glad you can see 92 miles ahead but the rest of us are blind now.
*puts down 1000 page thesis*
*adjusts microphone*
*looks at audience*So, and hear me out, what if Mr. Miyagi actually paid those schoolboys to bully that kid so he can get his house fixed?
There are innumerable mental health benefits of spending time in nature, but that doesn’t mean coming into the forest and screaming “fix my life” at the trees.
daredevil: [standing in the rain with his girlfriend] i may be blind, but my echolocation allows me to picture you perfectly
her: oh so like you’ll use the sound of the raindrops to-
daredevil: [just starts screaming into her face]
Does anybody know the long term exit strategy for the clapping thing?
[Review]
Boss: We’ll be giving you the company car *yawns*
Me: A car!
B: Sorry, I meant company card *sneezes*
M: Well, a card’s still cool.
B: Sorry again, It’s the company cardigan.
M: Ok, I’m a medium.
B: Then you should have known it was a sweater the whole time.
*grabbing my own shoulders and shaking myself* PLEASE, for the love of god, just tell me what you want
Interviewer: tell me about your leadership skills
Me: YOU tell ME about my leadership skills
Interviewer: holy shit, you’re hired
Me: I’m sorry, we have to let you go
Interviewer: dammit
went to this place once that claims it’s a brewery that doesn’t brew any of the beer it serves and the bartender was like “yep we are the first of our kind” & i didn’t have the heart to tell him that he opened up a bar, that’s a bar, bro
Tell me again how your unborn child will not see a screen before she’s 8. I want to write down your exact words.
I think playing Zelda gave me unrealistic expectations of how much of my neighbors’ pottery I can smash
when my four year old asked “mommy does a snowman have 3 balls?” I realized my biggest problem is im just not, nor will i ever be, mature enough to have kids
Guy: Why does everyone call you “Gross Gary”?
Gary: [filling a canteen with hotdog water] Nobody calls me that.
Meow should be an acceptable answer to any question that can’t be answered with yes or no. For example:
-What’s your favorite colour?
-Meow
Now you’re thinking there isn’t such a colour, but you don’t know all colours, and new colours are born every day, so..
me: I’d like to buy a hotdog with ketchup please
vendor: sorry cash only
Halloween decorations are expensive. Ghosts will re-decorate your house for free 👻
James Blunt: you’re beautiful
James Blunter: I’ve seen better
Hold on I’m about to count my money. Alright I’m done.
It’s not illegal to get in a taxi and scream until you’ve reached your destination.
My friend’s newborn is staring at me with the disdainful contempt of someone who has know me for at least a few weeks longer
ME: *rolls up sleeves* time to fix the sink
WIFE: *rolling her sleeves back down* what is wrong with you just fix it