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What if Creature From the Black Lagoon’s real name was Gary and “Creature” was just a mean nickname he got in middle school
I find it hard to believe that bears made porridge and the only thing wrong with it was the temperature.
Date: I’m excited to taste your cooking. When will it be ready?
Me: In a minute I’ll have to peel back the plastic, stir and re-cover.
Goose parade in The Netherlands.. 😊
Celebrities, they’re just like us, except they drink wine and insult each other from their private island
I miss the crypto guys with the laser eyes telling us to “have fun staying poor” — where did they all go?
Panera VP of Marketing: Our sales have gone up 41% since our lemonade killed two people.
CEO: Dang it. That means-
Panera VP of Marketing: Yes, we have to put a gun inside our buffalo chicken melt.
Earth: “You’re causing tidal waves!”
Moon: “So?”
Earth: “I don’t think you understand the gravity of the situation!”
Moon: “Very funny.”
This bouncer’s lucky I’m with my lady and physically frightened of him or he’d be in a world of pain.
If a cop pulls you over & asks if you know why. Answer “are you giving me a ticket or a quiz” for a free ride in their car.
“Surprise!” they yelled as he came in.
He screamed.
“Happy birthday!” they said.
“Do I know you?”
“No. We’re just excellent surprisers.”
My 9 yo talked us into buying him a tracksuit this year. He looks like he’s well on his way to coaching an Olympic skier or arguing over the price of grapes at the supermarket
when i tell guys i want a baby i just assume they kno i don’t mean a human one. i want a baby antelope, a baby hedgehog, a baby lizard
Him: I love nerd girls
Me: Cool! Did you know the human body can’t feel water, only a change in temperature?
Him: no. not like that.
Friend: OMG! What happened to your hands?!
Me, thinking about how I burned them pulling a naan apart: oh I was grilling a steak and the flames were out of control.
Me: Im still mad at you for last night
Hub: Well Today is the 1st. Which means that happened last month. Which means youre being ridiculous
Kids: Stay in school.
Californians forget how to drive when it rains
God: send them snow
Couples who finish each other’s sentences have killed before and will kill again.
To clarify:
DOJA CAT is a 25-year-old rapper, singer, and songwriter.
DEJA CAT is the strange sensation that you’ve seen a cat somewhere before.
Hope this helps!
Him: Wanna go out with me tonight?
Me: Let me ask my mom
Him: Wtf?! You’re in your 40’s!
Me: She said no
oh, you’re a Methodist?
name all the methods
Having a crush is weird bc one minute you’re a normal person and then out of nowhere you’re like damn I wanna bake that boy a pie
WORD: wanna see paste options?
ME: no it’s fine
WORD: but check out these paste options
ME: pls move the box I can’t see the words behind it
WORD: 🙁
ME: fine there I looked now move the box
WORD: 🙂
ME: it’s still there
WORD: which was your favorite 😐
oh to be lowered into a toaster with you, my bread slice wife
If Wonder Woman and Spider-Man go into business together, they should call it Amazon Web Services.
“This is greatest invention since sliced Brett!”
—Cannibals
The packing insert from our robot vacuum looks like it should be guarding a temple somewhere.
I wish I could fall as gracefully as a winter coat slinking off the back of a chair.