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a man on a dating app just asked how he could find out more about me. he’s going to lose his mind when he finds out about questions
Do I lie completely still during sex? Yes, but what makes me unique is I mutter “light as a feather, stiff as a board” while I do it.
Can’t get a girl? Rip out your rib and make your own! Critics are raving “this doesn’t work” and “I’m bleeding to death”.
The microwave really puts 1 minute into perspective, doesn’t it?
Everything started to go south when I realized I didn’t know how to read a map.
At least, I think it went south.
Addiction therapist: You’ve tweeted 36k tweets in a year.
Me: Yeah, so?
Therapist: What are you paying me for?
Me: Material.
Therapist: …
LETS SHARE EMBARRASSING STORIES. me first: i saw Brad Pitt at a bar back in the late 90’s. he was smoking so i walked up & asked for a light he handed me his lighter but i didn’t have a cigarette so i flicked on the lighter & said “oh cool it works” gave it back & walked away
10 WARNING SIGNS THAT YOU’RE CURRENTLY READING A LIST
once i complete this philosophy degree it’s over for you Nietzsches
i’m reading this thesaurus. it’s really interesting, or should i say… very interesting.
PLEASE DO NOT SUMMON WHEAT THINS FROM THE TOILET
I ran into a wall today. Literally, not in my writing. The writing is going well for once, so I guess that’s how it balances out. 🧱
The new Barbie movie should be an accurate depiction of her. Her knees should not bend, her house should have no walls, and the elevator should break all the time.
The way this woman squealed when getting proposed to is the exact same reaction I had when I found out the restaurant serves 3lb. lobster.
Bummed about the early Scotland vote results. This was pretty much our best hope for seeing Shrek on a flag.
DMV CLERK: go to the end of the line it’s gonna be a while
WAITER: excellent
Stop giving me dirty looks, lady. I wasn’t flirting with your husband. I was looking at his nachos.
{Working as a bouncer}
ID please
*looks*
Okay you can go
*softly kisses their forehead first*
[On phone]
“Did u see the weather forecast?”
“No. I refuse to be sucked in by Big Weather.”
“Where are you? Its so noisy.”
“IN A TORNADO.”
Phlebotomist: Have you had blood drawn before, sir?
Rambo: *semi-unintelligible* first, first part II, and last
[art store]
You do free framing?
“With any purchase”
Ok, just this pencil and [slides a gun with wife’s fingerprints] you know what to do
Stop saying “so I did a thing”…just say what you did, moron
Her: I want to fulfill your deepest desire.
Me: *gives her recipe for my mom’s peach cobbler* The crust is the most important part.
I don’t care how bad it looks in the casket I want to pay the boatman with fettuccine alfredo
Spanish for wife – “esposa”
Spanish for handcuffs – “esposas”
Well played, Spanish
My kid, asking the important questions after I told her I’d gone to the PTA meeting this morning, “How did you wear your hair?”
they should hide prizes in more boxes than just cereal, I’d love to reach into my laundry detergent and find a colour changing spoon
It is with a heavy heart that I announce I will no longer be accepting mayonnaise as a form of payment because SOME of you *glares at the crowd* made it weird.
If it weren’t for this whole job thingy that pays me money I’d become a professional nap taker.