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me: did you have fun on your playdate?
my 9yo: yes, but that was the wrong Logan. Next week can I have a playdate with the Logan who’s my friend?
“Oh heyyy youuu. How are YOU doing? How’s your… stuff? I haven’t seen you in… time.”
-I say to the person I don’t remember.
I know we are supposed to be worried about AI but I’ve been watching my Roomba throw itself off the stairs every single time I’ve ever used it I think we’re OK for a minute
Wife: OMG this checker is so slow at the grocery store
Me doing the self-checkout: I can hear you
Bad is when you finish the dishes then see a few more things to wash. Worse is when your wife is there so you can’t say you didn’t see them.
Date: Are you winking or blinking?
Cyclops: I do not know.
BOSS: We need to improve morale
ME: Okay
BOSS: How about an office party?
ME: [crosses out “replace coworkers with puppies”] I guess
So when rioters are just practicing the rioting do they use Molotov mocktails?
A Toyota Prius tried to race me at a stop sign. I totally had it for the first 100ft, but I can only walk so fast
[stranded on a desert island]
*finds a message in a bottle*
hey honey, where do we keep the teabags?
Establish dominance by saying “I thought you’d say that” in response to everything anyone says to you.
very niche meme I made
[used car lot]
Customer: Do you have any mini vans?
Me: No, we sell cars…but there is a kid’s shoe store near the mall
Plot Twist
Nigerian Prince won the Powerball jackpot and he’s emailing everyone now.
An ape picks up a bone, contemplates it for a moment, has an idea, strikes his neighbour over the head with a satisfying ‘toc!’. And in that moment is born the xylophone.
“Have you had a shower today?”
Yes, but thank you for clarification that it hasn’t made me look neat, fresh or washed
If YouTube ever goes down nobody will ever figure out how to tie a tie again.
Harmonicas were invented in 1932 when the worst person in the world decided he needed to organize his hot air into compartments.
Otters drive ottermobiles.
Don’t even THINK about “honey”ing me if you’ve shrunk the damn kids…
[date]
HER: ok let’s both say our greatest fear at the same time, 3 2 1
HER: being alone
ME: a clown eating my hotdog
A Fitbit is just a tamagotchi, but the creature you have to keep alive is yourself
My number constantly gets falsely placed on a youth soccer team’s phone number list. I finally responded.
What part of watching dogs on skateboard makes YouTube ads think I’m in any position to buy the brand new Lexus?
[playing frisbee with my dog]
Me [out of breath]: boy, you’re a lot heavier than I thought
My husband and I play this game where we buy potato chips the other one doesn’t like so we don’t have to share.
My favorite thing to say to old people is, “When I was your age I didn’t believe in reincarnation either”.
“This steak is really chewy.”
*me drunk, eating my dog’s toy*
Relationship status: the extended car warranty guy told me to stop calling him.
Hired a chimney sweep and he refused to sing and dance on our roof. A disgrace to the profession.