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My gym is opening up again, so now I have to go back to not going because I’m lazy.
Me: (to myself) what is wrong with you
Myself: (to me) oh like you don’t know
I hate it when some random company refers to me as their “customer.”
I’m like, look we had one night of drunken shopping, we are NOT in a relationship.
still burning off that Cinnabon i ate in 1997
You can put refrigerator magnets on your car, too. There are no rules.
Dang you got a good deal on your tattoo and the squirrel’s so realistic. What? A portrait of your Mom? Dude I wish my Mom was a squirrel.
Remember those kids that used no tear shampoo? Well, they never learned to cry and now they’re all sociopaths. Nice going L’Oréal
I hate laundry, dishes, sweeping, mopping, dusting, fixing and fetching. The only logical conclusion is that I am descended from royalty.
“you can achieve anything if you put your mind to it”
*spends 3 hours trying to put cheese strings on a guitar*
Me: [trying to keep a stiff upper lip]
Mortician: we’re gonna need that back
🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣
boss: i need u to reschedule our meeting to 10am
me: [reschedules meeting to 10am]
boss: [declines]
ME: I’m afraid I don’t have enough to make rent. Maybe there’s some *bites my bottom lip seductively*…. other sort of arrangement we can come up with.
FRIEND: Dude, this is why no one likes playing Monopoly with you.
I never realized just how much of parenting is surreptitiously throwing away artwork.
I’m sorry I punched you in the face when you said “I love you”. Intimacy scares me. And you said it to my sister.
Mom called. She was worried. Thought maybe I moved because I haven’t answered her email and she wouldn’t know the new address to send it to.
I’m at the gym and I just saw someone put their water bottle in the Pringles holder on the treadmill.
*ordering from the neighborhood Saudi restaurant*
Me: I’ll have a quart of the Chicken dump truck with a side of She is suspicious of cheese.
If diamonds are a girl’s best friend how come diamonds never drunkenly make out with me?
Father’s Day Fun:
1) Walk up to a complete stranger at lunch with his family.
2) Hug him.
3) Tell him ‘Happy Father’s Day dad’!
4) Run.
Logged into LinkedIn for the first time in three months and immediately received 45 emails from LinkedIn
Boy, ISIS are going to be pissed when they find out New Atheists talk about God more than them.
my doctor just told me I’ll never be able to play the xylophone ever again in his office
I’m just like the ghostbusters, except I chase squirrels around my neighborhood with a vacuum cleaner
I have 3 kids and often wonder what their future holds.
10: will be a teacher
5: a doctor
3: a dictator – just not sure which country she will take over yet. So many choices, but I’m thinking Canada because they are so polite and she is scary AF.
“Take me with you,” I whisper, palms pressed to the windowpane, watching the trash truck drive away.
If you’re a software developer, are you code-dependent…
It’s like you don’t even care that I filled my pockets with mashed potatoes and gravy for you
Everyone is a surgeon when you wash your hands and have to walk across the room for the towel.
The manual for my motorized wheelchair says “Do not operate while tired. ” I haven’t moved in six years.