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if i could teach my cat to go downstairs and accept my doordash delivery i would never marry
I wore a leather jacket into a vegan restaurant and now I’m hiding in the bathroom.
Her: mmmm Look at all this cheesy goodness.
Him: (a rat) Only from the finest mousetraps my love.
This is war. The Boys tv show stole my joke about a TSA agent named Pat Magroin
If you leave our home after a visit we will stand on the porch and wave until you drive out of sight because that’s how we were raised, by maniacs.
[carrying sleeping cat out of burning house]
seriously, what purpose do you serve
Sorry about the mess, but cleaning really chips my nail polish.
They say all dogs eventually look like their owners……..that’s unfortunate for your dog
I translated it for you because it’s just the funniest dialog
Yeah I can explain that gap on my resume – I tried to move a picture in Word
He went from scream to scary movie in seconds😭
the composer
Put my fitted sheet and duvet cover in the washing machine for a death match to see which one swallows the other.
Boobs are to men what laser pointers are to cats.
[God inventing pain]
God: This is how humans will know they need to heal physically.
Angel: But how will they know if they need emotional healing?
God [inventing Linkin Park]: worry not
Just once I’d like to open a can of biscuits without having to beat it like it stole my last cookie
I’ve been through a lot in this last month, but by far the most horrific thing to happen to me was broccoli on pizza. Never again.
this is 10/10 content no notes
Please help settle an argument between me and my wife:
I say it’s weird she dresses Mr Whiskers and Fluffykins in different outfits every day, and wheels them around town in a stroller
She says it’s more weird that I insisted on giving those names to our kids.
When I play the kazoo, I play to win
Somebody keeps sending me flowers with all the heads cut off.
I think I’m being stalked…
Most Brands: Sandals and flip flops should cost a normal amount, between $10-$30
Gucci: What about $200?
Old Navy: Give us some loose change. What’s that, a button? Fine
“Release the Kraken” I say as I push “clean” on the Roomba.
amazon prime: select delivery window
me: *types* the bathroom one
Let me make this abundantly clear
– window makers probably
Clerk: we’re not that kind of mom and pop shop
Batman: *eyes welling*
alcohol soaked fruit is still considered fruit though right
Who is feeling this?
#HorrorFam #LordOfTheRings
STUNTMAN ON TV: don’t try this at home
ME [sitting on couch eating out of a 5 lb. bag of m&ms]: ok