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In high school we had a thing called Ethics Day put on by Chick-Fil-A where they would give out coupons for free chicken sandwiches. My friends and I found the book of all the coupons and stole it. The devils of Ethics Day.
Arachnophobia is stupid I mean why are we all terrified of a bug that knits all day?
it’s funny they call them “unidentified flying objects”. I could identify them right away. those are ufos
Sex is a lot like Mario Kart, you go really fast, you throw some bananas, Wario is there.
LITTLE MERMAID 2016:
SEA WITCH URSULA: Your voice is mine mwaahahaha!!!
ARIEL: *flicks eyes up; keeps texting*
I broke up with a guy because he killed a horse on Skyrim.
A puppy can stab a girl in the face then steal her bag & she’d still be like, “Awwww a puppy.”
[at deli]
me: I’ll take a platonic male friend that doesn’t treat me like their manic pixie therapistlady: we have cole slaw
me: ok
i was just introduced to a toddler name Frank.
i realize now that i didn’t mentally prepare myself for this possibility.
I’m so pro-life,
I believe life begins at erection.
hitler’s mom: WHY DO ALL THESE TIME TRAVELERS KEEP TRYING TO KILL MY BABY???
Therapist: what was it like growing up?
Me: I just [reaches for tissues] kept getting taller.
“i can’t go because of coronavirus”
– whiny
– boring
– weak“i’ve sworn an oath of solitude til the blight is purged from these lands”
– heroic, valiant
– they will assume you have a sword
– impossible to check if you really have a sword because of coronavirus
Whenever someone says, “Good question” I never hear their answer because I’m too busy congratulating myself for asking such a good question.
AISLE 7
– Chips
– Cookies
– Quackers
One of my kid’s friends was talking about how he told his dad about a cool new group called Bon Jovi
No you didn’t, 9 year old lol
I think my neighbor just noticed that I was wearing a pair of shoes he put into his trash last week.
Felt like crap, so I drank an energy drink. Now I’m talking really fast and cleaning things I didn’t even know I owned.
“Well this is silly”
– me describing a window sill
“Am I the only one who-?”
There are over 7 billion people on earth. No. No you’re not the only one.
[First Date]
Me: I can’t believe we’re on a date! It’s not cause my fathers rich is it?
Him: No. He’s very handsome too
Me: CHECK PLEASE
It’s 1925. I’m leanin’ against this lamppost on the lookout for dames who are lookin for trouble. I start flipping a quarter. I catch her eye. I fumble the quarter and it rolls into a sewer grate. I have lost the equivalent of thirty thousand dollars.
If I hear people screaming, I always go check on them. Not because I’m nosy or some kind of hero. There might be ice cream.
[during fight]
him: I’ll cancel our dinner plans.
me: What? Why?? I still like food, it’s you I don’t like.
“Treat her like a princess” everybody said.
Then they get mad when I marry her off to a cousin from a neighboring country for political gain.
I’m not saying becoming a parent ages you, but when I started having kids I was 24, and now I’m 117.
People of my generation are always saying that they are shocked how little role quicksand plays in their lives, but I gotta tell you, knowing the difference between a stalagmite and a stalactite has not proved to be as critical as I expected either.
H: I’m going to fix our washer myself.
M: Okay, I’m going to Lowe’s to pick out our new washer.
Not the sharpest cheddar on the charcuterie board…
I can’t lose weight, that’s where all my fattitude is