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SNAIL: I’m a turtle?
GOD: No, you’re a snail
SNAIL: I have a shell
GOD: Yup
SNAIL: and I move really slowly
GOD: Yeah, all the time
SNAIL: but I’m not a turtle?
GOD (made too many turtle shells and needed somewhere to put them): you’re a completely different thing
A shower so cold, you call it by your exes name
Someone with OCD visited my TL whilst I was napping and now all my tweets
seem to be facing the same way.
“so u have no idea what started the fire” the fireman looks at me. i shake my head no. i nervously fidget with my recipe for a thrice baked potato behind my back
NEW YEAR’S LOGIC
1. The planet is passing through an arbitrary spot on its unceasing orbit around the sun.
2. Time to lay off chocolate.
My neck my back my allergy attack
I have an oven with a ‘stop time’ button. It’s probably meant to be ‘stop timer’ but I don’t touch it, just in case.
Just took a DNA test and it turns out I’m 100% being arrested for shoplifting
My spirit animal just ran into a glass door.
Oh, you’re Happy? Name the other 6 Dwarves
I hate it when I try to impress a date by taking her to a nice restaurant and she orders something that isn’t on my coupon.
I made $12 in the cryptocurrency market. Learn how I did it in my new book, “How I made $12 in cryptocurrency market”.
Interviewer: And your references?
Me: 90’s television mostly.
A headhunter on LinkedIn wanted me to apply for a job as a bank manager. That’s quality recruitment work right there. Get the English major to run your bank.
I’m not entirely sure what numbers are. When I buy something, I just hand over an amount of money and hope it’s right.
Stephen Hawking says artificial intelligence could destroy the human race. Sorry Stephen, but my money’s on LACK of intelligence.
The real power of a man…
Is the size of the smile on his woman’s face sitting next to him.
Come back after dark. Bring your friends
I learned to play guitar so people would stop asking me to go camping.
Luggage rack or cop car is the road trip game you hate to lose
if swimming is really exercise then why dont fish have mega muscles. yeah i thought so. drain the pool so we can skateboard in it
Oh, I just remembered. You’re boring…. and my legs work!
dislike seeing adult twins in public. feels like they’re going to ask me a riddle
My oldest chicken is going through henopause
[trying extremely hard not to say it]
deviled egg nog
When your divorced parents are forced to sit together at your wedding.
I’m 34 years old and I still don’t know what to do when the barber shows me the back of my head with that little mirror.
honestly, i need both:
Me buying frivolous things: Well, you have to spend money to spend money.
“We want to take our engagement photos here at the library.”
“That’s fun. Are there parts of the library that are especially meaningful to you?”
“Not really, we never use the library.”
“Then why take your pictures here?”
“We want people to think we’re people who use the library.”