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first person to make a calzone: *looking at pizza* I can fix him
Doritos has a new snack called “Taco Explosion” so I’m suing Frito Lay for stealing my term for what occurs an hour after eating Taco Bell.
“Why don’t you have kids yet?” is a great question, ma’am, but I’m saving that conversation for the right total stranger at this gym.
Bout to have the best sleep of my life
Oops, I ate my feelings again.
~ a memoir
Me to cat: quit looking at me like I’m an ingredient
I talk a lot of smack for someone who believes the plane will tip over if you stand up midflight.
I like arugula because it’s good for me, delicious, and an old fashioned car horn sound.
My days of chasing men over. I’m all about chasing food trucks now.
selfie game
Him: this pie is delicious! Is it a family recipe?
Me: yes, and you’ll never guess the secret weapon
Him: you mean secret ingredient?
*catapult launching sound*
Neighbor’s newborn won’t stop crying. Typical Taurus.
DR: Good news and bad news
LADY: What’s the bad news
DR: Your husbands dead
LADY: *crying* Oh my god
DR: *holding finished sudoku behind back* Ask what the good news is
I would probably have too much fun as a mortician asking customers whether they would prefer “Smoking” or “Non-smoking” as opposed to “Cremation” or “Burial”.
Heard astrology described as “space racism” and that’s the only definition I’ll accept from now on.
Dear Karma:
I don’t understand, he hasn’t been mauled by a lion yet.
XO,
Me
why are they called stepfathers and not faux pas
The enemy of my enemy is my friend unless they don’t dance and if they don’t dance well they’re no friend of mine.
You’re a dog person? *Throws a stick* Well? Aren’t you going to run after it or are you cool with being a normal human that’s also a liar?
Found $10 in a pants pocket. It was awkward though because someone was still wearing it.
[roommate watching me get ready]
dont take that with you
“why not”
why would you
“it’ll be fine”
[hour into date and I spill my bag of ants]
It’s like nobody at this Bed Bath and Beyond appreciates me taking intimate selfies on every bed so I can decide which comforter brings out my natural beauty.
Getting closure is important.
*lies on bed to zip up jeans*
Lawyer: You’re looking at life without parole
Client: [Breaks down crying]
Lawyer: Hey it’s ok I’ve never had a parole either
Salsa counts as a serving of vegetables, right?
I’ll love you until the end of the egg timer.
Boy ant: Feel like a swim?
Girl ant: Can’t, I’m not boy ant.
What if Adele was calling from inside the house?!
Husband: I love you.
Me: I have a boyfriend.
My Diaper Genie grants wishes, as long as you wish for a 40 pound bag of baby shit every week.