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Better than a Justin Bieber concert:
1. Being deaf.
2. A rattlesnake bite.
3. Chewing razor blades.
4. Licking a public toilet seat.
me: I’m doing marathon training
friend: that can really help you in the long run
me: I know what it’s for
If she thinks Simon and Garfunkel are the names of your lawyers, she may be too young for you bro.
I’ll never have the opportunity to Say Yes to the Dress, but I’ll Say Yes to the Cookie like, three times a day. Minimum.
The doctor told me that at some point I’ll have to stop partying and I said I’d cross that bridge and find a new doctor.
He walked across the parking area explaining, “I’m going through a lot”
[attending a lecture on kleptomania]
Me: *taking notes*
Keynote speaker: please give me back my notes
Little known fact: Scotland is just an elaborate hoax with Mike Myers playing all of its citizens.
Watching my husband try to get off the phone with “talkers”is like watching a fly trapped in our house, desperately trying to escape but repeatedly bumping into a closed window.
if anyone is picking on you, it’s really themselves they have a problem with, I promise
[Sees girl watching Star Wars]
“Oh I love that movie, the way” *starts to sweat* “All those stars are at war with each other”
If you would have told me when I started this account that my dumb parenting jokes would eventually lead to a dream job writing for a Netflix series, I would’ve said that was crazy. Fast forward to today, and I can confirm that it’s crazy. Nothing remotely like that has happened.
In what is potentially a gross misunderstanding of Christmas in general, my 2.5yo has hidden her wallet ahead of Santa’s arrival.
If I was a girl my best friend would have to come untangle me at least twice a week because I tried to take my bra off through my sleeve
Stop, Drop, and Roll: A Beginners Guide to Bowling
To avoid further heartbreaks from loving someone who doesn’t love me back I have decided to focus on things I have a better shot with…like my love of chicken wings.
Chicken wings: Um, I have a boyfriend
Me: *looking at spider in my bathroom*
Spider:
Me:
Spider:
Me: so, are we gonna do this superhero thing now or do you want me to flush you?
Why don’t furniture stores just tell us when they’re NOT having a huge sale?
A couple drops of super glue on your fingers and you wont pay attention to any other thing on the planet for three hours.
PASTOR: and the lord said unto us—can u stop please? it’s very distracting
ME: [bouncing up & down on yoga ball] i don’t think he said that
Being in my mid 30s is just constantly worrying that today is the day I get REALLY into model train sets
The next time my middle schooler refuses to acknowledge me in public, I’m giving him a big hug and asking him when his last bowel movement was.
My wife gives the best headache.
ME: Hmm. My biggest weakness? Tough question. I guess some people say I’m delusional
UBER DRIVER: I didn’t say anything
i love playing rock paper scissors they never expect me to pull a glock out of my pocket
Two raccoons reach into a moonlit bag of trash. A moment! Their paws meet. They lock eyes. They hiss and scratch the shit out of each other.
That time hackers stole my nudes and returned them.
Don’t drink water and stay hydrated it’s a hoax
[hell]
Me: Why am I here?
Devil: You told people you’d say hi to other people 3,789 times but only did it 4 times.
Me: OK that’s fair.