You Might Also Like
The opposite of formaldehyde is casualdejekyll.
Actually, I’d rather you shut your talk-hole, not your pie-hole. If you have a hole that gives pie, I’m going in there, because HELLO PIE.
If video games really made people violent, I would be jumping on every turtle I saw.
Waiting for my pumpkin muffin with maple streusel to be delivered
I swear I’m more than a mom. I’m a sweary mom.
[being chased through the woods by a murderer]
Me: I CAN’T BELIEVE THIS IS HAPPENINGMurderer: What?
Me *showing him my Fitbit* I’ve done 10,000 steps
Murderer: omg lemme check mine
Tom Cruise is short for tomato filled cruise ship
Every time I start typing in “linkedin” on one of my browsers I just hit enter when it auto-fills and I always end up accidentally viewing the profile of some random person whose profile I once reviewed.
This guy is probably like “why is she so obsessed with me”
I already told you Mom I’m NOT high and I’ll be home at 10:70
Ughh…7 more hours till I can go home. Oh, sorry, my Canadian friends…7 more Kilometers till I can go home. Or is it liters?
ME: [practising my samurai sword moves in the mirror]
[ever so slightly later]
ME: [dying from massive blood loss]
I just learned that in the US you have to pay money to cross a bridge in your car lol like you can’t convince me that America is real.
What she said: Honey, I have this GREAT idea.
What I heard: Honey, I have this EXPENSIVE idea.
Funny Quote of the Day: “If your parents never had children, chances are… neither will you.” – Dick Cavett
doctor: you’re completely blind
me: what are you saying
doctor: april fools lol you’re actually deaf
me: what
doctor: oh right
Me: [pitching an idea for a comic book] Imagine a superhero whose parents are–get this–alive and well.
Exec: *under breath* whoa
Therapist: Okay, let’s go over this one more time
Me: This really isn’t helping with my fear of bridges
Me, as a vampire: Tell me, mortal…have you eaten anything spicy in the last 24 hours?
My girlfriend is so crazy she even traced down the girl who once kissed me in kindergarten.
Gloria Gaynor: Go on now, go! Walk out the door! Just turn around now because you’re not welcome anymore
Hotel California manager: Gloria, a word
Yes sex is good but have you ever made someone super mad online and then go to sleep?
I hate everyone in front of me in this traffic jam, everyone behind me is cool.
I ordered a bed from IKEA and they sent me a tree trunk and a saw.
Somewhere, a real Nigerian prince is sitting at his computer wondering, “Why oh why does nobody reply to my emails?”
Me, to the fellas: Load up. We getting magical tonight.
You know in the first “Austin Powers” when Dr. Evil tells the therapy group about his childhood? I can deliver that bit of dialog verbatim from memory.
Interviewer: Um…yes, well I’m not sure that would be particularly useful in a hospice facility.
Sorry I said, “Maybe you’ll do better next time” when you showed me your baby.
[sermon]
There will come a day when Christ will drive out evil from our land, and it will be the Judgment Day!
*T-1000 shifts nervously*
Him: I just poured out 16.9 ounces for my homie.
Her: Just say you filled the dog’s water bowl.
Prof asked if anyone liked comic books. I raised my hand. She didnt add anything or say why it mattered. Just wanted to isolate me socially.