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[Watching halftime show]
ME: I hope I look as good as Jlo when I’m 50.GIRLFRIEND: You don’t look that good now.
ME: Yeah I’m not 50 yet.
Q: What do the back street ghosts like to sing?
A: I haunt it that way!
My teen practicing her lawyer skills, “We’re studying Thailand, can we get Thai food to help me understand the culture better?”
I can’t commit to plans with friends who wear fitbits.
-“No, I don’t want to take the stairs again, you psycho.”
Interviewer: “Describe a time when you broke the rules.”
Me [from my wheelchair]: “I was at a restaurant and the waiter asked me to wait to be seated.”
I’m not sure how many biscuits it takes to be happy, but so far it’s not twenty seven.
My “15 minutes of fame” are when I get my paycheck and everyone I owe money comes to collect
Does anyone want a free microwave? Contact me. We can talk about how we both want a free microwave
My boyfriend is so cute I decided to get another.
me: we have a problem, i forgot the speakers
her: it’s cool i don’t like music
me: ok we have 2 problems
Cop: “There’s an outstanding warrant out for your arrest.”
Me: *blushes* “I knew it was good but ‘outstanding’? Thank you, officer!”
[Runs into old school friend]
Him: hey you’re that guy who held weird grudgesMe: And how is my eraser?
My Mexican dad before we went to go see Wakanda Forever: so Namor, it means like “no love?” Is that part of his character?
Me: no dad, that’s just been the character’s name since 1939.
Namor in the movie: so I took that as my name, “Namor,” the child without love!
My dad:
My Boyfriend hates it when we role play and I’m the Doctor cause I make him wait 3 hours bill him then send in a med student named Chad.
Any leftover cabbage can and will be shredded and mixed with mayo
– Cole’s Law
My German girlfriend said she wants me to eat her Kürbiskuchen. I was aroused.
I found out it means pumpkin pie. Now I’m more aroused.
I get all my cardio by crying when someone calls me ma’am at the gym.
Me: yeah so I think that Mario didn’t even care about saving the princess, he just really hated turtles
Game theory professor: w- what
“I’m not racist but…” – Britain
my wife: “we should go to that buffet where you slipped on fettuccine alfredo you spilled while running to the cheese fountain”
me: “you’ll have to be more specific”
Maybe the philharmonic isn’t so bad after all 🤔
Gf: I ate that Twix you bought for yourself
Me: I see
Gf: Are you gonna over-react?
Me: Of course not, I know exactly what to do
Ex Gf: what
Waiter: What dressing would you like on your salad?
Me: Ice cream
America sucks rn. I’m moving to the USA!
Why do people leave mattresses on the side of the road? Do they really think someone will take it? Do you think I should wash it first?
[first day as a snake charmer]
me: ayy wussup king damn what that tongue do long boi lmao u got room in that wicker basket for two or what
cobra: *striking me several times about the face, neck, and chest*
Oh, your kid is in all honors courses. That’s cool. Well, my kids are learning from real life experiences like why we don’t put forks in the microwave.
Coffee so strong, it still works even though you’ve disabled java.
What Geico said: We just saved you 15% on your car insurance.
What I heard: You should go shopping.