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Apparently, “lead the way” is not the best response to your neighbour’s “may you burn in the eternal flames of hellfire” after his 17th wind chimes go missing under mysterious circumstances.
Girls are always taking your hoodies but you take one of their dresses and suddenly they’re all like “we need to talk.”
Used to be able to touch my toes. Now I just have a sip of beverage and wave at them.
My family using a Ouija board to summon my spirit: “Are you with us? Please, shows us you are here! Wait, it’s moving… o-m-g-w-h-a-t-d-o-y-o-u-w-a-n…”
I’m becoming psychic. Looking at a dusty exercise machine and I see a yard sale in its near future.
By the time he entered rehab, Popeye was more spinach than sailor man.
I read that Miley Cyrus will be starring in a remake of Silence of the Lambs.
She’ll be playing Hannibal Montannibal.
BOUNCER FOR A COOL BAR: password?
Me: Midnight77
BOUNCER: great *grabs a poster board collage* now which one of these doesn’t contain a stop sign
A big bug flew down my throat during my run this morning so [buys treadmill]
San Andreas is just like Godzilla only Godzilla is invisible
KID: Dad?
DAD: Yes, son
KID: What is the true meaning of Easter?
DAD: Well my boy, when someone wants to go very, very East they g-
KID: Never mind
5: I accidentally opened this bag of chips so I should probably eat them all, right, Mom?
Me: NO! Put the chips away, have a piece of fruit.
Also me, that night: welp, might as well finish off this sleeve of cookies or they’ll probably go bad.
I put some doughnuts, ice cream, and snickers bars in my blender for dessert tonight, so yeah-I juice.
What’s the difference between a lentil and a chickpea?
Trump wouldn’t pay $1000 to have a lentil on his face.
#watersportsgate #goldenshower
NASA : we were wrong , there ARE 9 planets in the Solar System
PLUTO: I’m back, baby!
NASA: because we found a new one!
PLUTO: SON OF A
I try not to let avocados go bad anymore cause last time I let an avocado go bad, it stole my car and robbed a bank
If a neighbor rolls up in a golf cart to your new house, he’s either the really fun neighbor or he’s your new HOA overlord.
My kids tell me I drink too much.
It’s funny they don’t make the connection.
“Dad, can you explain the eclipse to me?”
“No sun.”
Daughter: Mom! I’m bringing Carl home to meet you guys this weekend
Me: I should warn you, we’re going to be nude this weekend
Her: What??
Me: Yes, Friday to Sunday with no clothes
Her: Why?
Me: We want to be naked
Her: Why can’t you just admit you don’t like him
Me: So naked
*phone rings*
Yoda: Yoda
Luke: WTF VADER’S MY DAD?
Y: Uh
L: And you knew & told me to kill him?
Y:
L:
Y: Going thru a tunnel I am
*hangs up*
When I grow up, I want to be 16
Pro-tip: instead of telling a woman she looks tired, make her day by saying literally anything else
Every once in a while I’ll be driving while not eating and think, “Wow, this is way easier.”
Who decided to call them a personal trainer and not a gym reaper?
Wife: Where are you going?
Me: Out. I can’t stand being hemmed in by four walls.
Wife: How many walls has the pub got? Five?
Her: I want you to dress up as your biggest fear this year.
Me: Ok, but how do I make a costume out of you finding my unlocked phone?
marry someone u only kinda like so if u get a divorce it won’t be that bad
I’m 6’4″ and built like someone who ate someone who was 6’5″
If I ever marry someone who shares my intense love of puns, she’ll be my pun-kin.