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My first time driving a stick shift I popped the clutch and ran over a smallish apple tree and I’ve applied that same can-do attitude with its inevitable destruction to every endeavor in life.
looks like someone ordered the brontosaurus ribs
The boy is putting whipped cream on the cat. I think he may have overheard a conversation he didn’t understand quite so well.
Twitter is like swimming in the ocean. Sometimes, it a beautiful sight. Occasionally, you find others like you. And you have no idea how many times you’ve passed a shark.
Eight maids a-milking
Seven swans a-swimming
Six geese a-laying
Five onion rings
Four calling birds
Three french hens
Two turtle doves, and
A partridge in a pear tree….Dwayne Johnson: Yup, that’s today’s meal prep done!
Apparently when your wife asks you to get your toddler off your bed she doesn’t mean knock him off with a pillow
I remember when it was just limbo dancers asking “how low can you go?”, now it seems like everyone in the news wants to answer that.
“How would you like your eggs?”
“Whipped up and inside a chocolate cake please.”
Grandma, stop asking people what they’re supposed to be for Halloween-this is Walmart.
I have a friend who’s band is playing this weekend. He said the doors open at 7 but I’m pretty sure Jim Morrison is dead.
I would marry Christopher Walken just so I could listen to him talk and regret it three months in.
I SAID YES!!!!!! 💍🥂🥳🎉 i asked myself if i wanted a breakfast burrito.
JUDGE: Mr. Cash, you’re charged with speeding. How do you plead
JOHNNY CASH: I shot a man in Reno just to watch him die
JUDGE: Jesus Christ
Probably the most humiliating thing that can happen when you die is that you come back as a fitted-sheet ghost.
Instead of a condom i keep a moist towelette in my wallet because i run into buffalo wings alot more often than sex
I only had a few friends before I got on Twitter.
Now I don’t have any.
My son asked Alexa to play The Imperial March, and it synced with my 3yo storming away after her tantrum. It was the most beautiful thing I’ve ever seen.
During my prostate exam I asked the doctor, “where should I put my pants”? “Over there by mine”, was not the answer I was expecting.
EVERYBODY NEEDS TO STOP WHAT THEY ARE DOING RIGHT NOW AND ACKNOWLEDGE THE FACT THAT I HAVE JUST SEEN A BEAVER.
Maybe Aliens don’t visit us because they’re all women & they want us to make the first move. 😏
Are they bowling to earn soup or bowling on behalf of soup
*puts eight small cups of urine on the nurse’s station*
Nurse: We only need one.
*puts seven small cups of urine in my purse*
Saw someone get offended online and comment “two shay” and I can’t stop thinking about it
My life is like Monopoly: sometimes I’m the racecar, sometimes I’m the iron.
But usually I’m a peanut because I’ve lost all the game pieces.
Sorry I forgot your birthday but I thought we’d stop being friends long before it got here.
Ted Cruz is complaining about “liberal fascism,” so I guess he’s just stringing random unrelated words together, like “potato doorknob.”
20s: I want to see the world!
40s: If I do all of my food shopping on Sunday I won’t have to go outside for a week.
Kate Middleton is in between Kate Lefton and Kate Righton.
you can never lose a homing pigeon. If your homing pigeon doesnt come back, what you lost was a normal pigeon.
Curious, how many years do you keep a mismatched sock before you can get rid of it? Is it like taxes? 7years?