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[chess tournament]
RIVAL: [plays move]
ME: [knocks board aside. punches rival in face] Chess!
COMMENTATOR: He’s won every round this way
One of my friends had a baby today, and another got a puppy. I think we all know which one I’m going to visit.
[texting]
So what’s your name?
“ily”
omg this is moving too fast.
ILY: (yelling) IT’S HAPPENING AGAIN MOM, WHY DID YOU NAME ME THAT?
*boyfriend and girlfriend in shower*
Girl: do bad things to me babe
Boy: *flicks shampoo in her eyes and trips her over*
FIREMAN: this blaze is out of control
ME: sometimes you gotta fight fire with fire
F: what? No
M: *already brandishing a flamethrower*
Pro tip- stick AirTags on your kids before you hit up the corn maze this year and you can drink spiked cider in peace.
Don’t touch that.
Hate weight limit signs in the elevator. Then I’m put in the awkward position of telling some pregnant woman she has to take the stairs.
Friend: so drinks later?
Me: oh shit I can’t I’ve got work.
Friend: after 5?
Me: YES, KAREN. I HAVE A LOT ON MY PLATE AND A LOT OF PEOPLE DEPENDING ON ME.
Friend: uh..k?
-LATER-
Me: [playing animal crossing] here’s that apple I promised you, Rex. I told you I’d come through
Sprayed a spider with some Davidoff Cool Water & it didn’t die. Now I’m just stuck with a spider that I wanna bang.
Condom commercials should just be 30 seconds of crying babies shitting and vomiting all over themselves.
For Halloween I’m putting on a fishnet body stocking and going as a bag of onions.
Dear God I need smarter followers.
God: Me too.
Good Will Hunting (2018): Dystopian movie about a near future in which everyone with an ounce of good will is mercilessly hunted and killed.
Ever since we moved into our house, we’ve nicknamed the guy who lived here for 30 years before us The Engineer because everything is so precisely done.
Our neighbour just brought The Engineer over to meet us & Reuben looked like he was meeting the biggest rockstar on the planet.
Whenever I get my hair cut I always take a ‘before and after’ photo outside the barber’s shop. Here’s the latest…
Him: This is the best sand castle I’ve ever built!
Her: We’re gonna die in this desert aren’t we?
My husband hates it when I say ‘long story short’ so I’m going to start saying ‘the long and the short of it’. Marriage is all about compromise.
These e-cigarettes keep getting bigger and bigger. I swear I just saw someone smoking a clarinet.
Just paid £200 for a train ticket. If the inspector doesn’t turn up, I’m going looking for him.
If you don’t want me to sing at your kids then don’t name them Roxanne.
motorcycle cop who arrested me: hop on.
Was looking at smoking pipes on Amazon & realized that CW could look at my history.So,I immediately started looking at Sherlock Holmes hats.
When I’m at the mall, I carry a purse around so people think I have a girlfriend
Forget my browser history, when I finally pass from this earth, please delete my calculator history because it’s waaaay more embarrassing
“Don’t wind up the dog, he’ll be annoying”
Me:
[first day as an art thief]
Me: (pointing gun at sculpture) give me your money
{concert}
eddie vedder: WHO’S READY TO ROCK?!
me (from the mosh pit waiting for my transition lenses to adjust to indoors) GIMME A SEC, ED
“I didn’t come here to argue.”
– people who definitely came to argue.
I could never do time in prison – The handshakes are way too complicated.