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i’d rather go to jail than go camping. at least jail is inside
[1st day as police officer]
PARTNER: THAT CAR FLEW BY DOING 126 MPH! LET’S ROLL!
ME: Um, ok, but I literally JUST got this ice cream cone.
Sleep when the baby sleeps, eat when the baby eats, edit your manuscript when the baby edits their manuscript
For about 2 seconds, when you run a red light, it’s like you stole your own car.
Him: I’m drawn to winged creatures.
Me: *bats eyelashes, cocks head, makes duck lips*
If someone asks for advice, just tell em to follow their heart. No idea what that shit means but at least they’re not talking to you anymore
My son kicked his soccer ball in to a rosebush & now I look like I got between Chester Cheetah & Tony the Tiger at a coke party.
I try to always be the bigger person by hanging out with a lot of short people
indiana??? now they’re just making up states
My friend bought a house and I’m happy for him but part of me keeps thinking he could’ve bought so many hot dogs with all that money.
I see no reason these two should not be wed, but I do like to make things about me.
“Hello, 911? Hi, I was just wondering: is it stop, drop, THEN roll? Cause my friend–STOP SCREAMING, I’M ASKING THEM”
Never go to a place that has burgers, sushi, chicken wings and donuts on one menu. Never.
Just found a WhatsApp message to my friends from 2014 when I was living near Central Park. Little did I know it was a Kennedy
[Interview with a time traveller]
“What’s life like in the year 3000?”It’s pretty much the same as 2015 but you can download a towel
Never buy trail mix without dried fruit or chocolate. That would be totally nuts!
Warm welcome to all my new followers from last night when I changed my avi to a skinny brunette from Pinterest
[Shipwreck Diary]
Day 29: worried I’m losing track of time
Day 4: nope. I’m fine
Checkboxes dating apps /should/ have:
🔲 Willing to sneak snacks into movies
🔲 Good at building blanket forts
🔲 Only sets volume, temp etc. to EVEN numbers
🔲 toilet paper roll goes OVER
🔲 I don’t think the position of the stars when I was born determined my personality
It’s an indescribable feeling when I’m trying to put my toddler in his car seat in a crowded parking lot and him screaming “HELP”.
Interviewer:
“This is a very impressive résumé.”Me:
“This is a creative writing job I’m applying for, no?”
teach a man to fish and fish will hate him forever.
It’s a good thing Netflix didn’t release Baby Reindeer around Christmas. There’d have been a lot of angry parents.
I’m going to a dinner tonight for my husband’s work and he said, “Tonight I need you to be charming and funny and do not tweet about this.”
0 for 3 so far.
Meiosis is still a better love story than Twilight.
[opens treasure chest & it’s full of treasure]
Me: whoa
Friend: what is it?
Me [slowly closing chest]: spiders
Marriage is a little less fairytale and a lot more lying on opposite couches in your rattiest pajamas arguing over which brand of saltine crackers is superior while the same show you never really watch replays on the TV in the background
Dances with Wolves is not about famous wolves competing for a mirror ball trophy. I know that now.
WIFE: How could you spend our money on this?
ME: *Dressing ducklings in tiny raincoats* They live outside, Karen. They need this.