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Guy on the plane threw a fit about sitting next to my Therapy Scorpion
You know how people play video games by pushing all the buttons at once?
That’s how I’m handling adulthood.
At the zoo, you have to drag me away from the otter pool. The promise of a soft pretzel usually does it.
Welcome to adulthood. Every time you login now, it’s a game of “Will I get into my account the first time” or “Will I be spending the rest of my life sitting here resetting my password forever.”
“Murder most fowl!” I scream as the cops pull me away from the many duck corpses. They explain I misunderstood Hamlet while arresting me.
Everyone wants to be a Viking until you set them out to sea on a boat that’s on fire.
me: how do you like the future?
lincoln: it’s– omg stop the car
me: what is it?
lincoln: *pointing to ‘children at play’ sign* we have to warn them
It will be light. It will be dark. It will be light. It will be dark. It will be light. Then I’m back.
Me, explaining a vacation to my cat.
I’m wearing a tuxedo to work today in protest of casual Friday.
When the chicken shop gives you chicken instead of change?
I guess it’s legal tender.
I quit dating because I’m a germaphobe and also because my husband was getting annoyed
[grocery store]
DAD: [wearing a ski mask]
SON: this is so embarrassing
MOM: hush- your father gets nervous when we have to buy toilet paper
My coworker’s out here matching her water bottles to her clothes and I don’t even match my clothes to my clothes.
Morpheus: ok this guy is definitely “the one”
Trinity: but why though
Morpheus: you’re gonna kick yourself lol but just re-arrange the letters in “Neo”
“A cantaloupe is an antelope that doesn’t.”
[During lull in conversation at party]
ME: Do you think you’re closer to your own birth or your own death? Let’s go around the room.
date: I love a man who’s self aware
me: I’m honestly below average looking and pretty boring
date: *gets super turned on*
going over to my buddy’s house and opening all of his treasure chests to see if there’s any items in there that i need
i will be the first to admit when something is my fault, it really undercuts the other people blaming me for things
In high school I was voted Most Likely to Be Shot Dead While Trying to Steal Something of Moderate Value From a Texan.
one week till the election
[blind date]
OK don’t let her know you’re a remote control“Your eyes are beau-
*sinks into seat crevice, lost for weeks*DAMMIT NOT AGAIN
“Oh, I get it!”
– Me, when I didn’t get it.
For lent, I’m going to give up sexual innuendos but it’s hard… so hard!
I like to think my essence leaves my body at night, and walks the lonely streets trying to eat custard with chopsticks.
The main cause of immigration is we’re still a country where people want to go, but we’re working on fixing that
God inventing dogs like “what if your best friend sometimes pooped in your living room and ate your shoes?”
*Attempts to use ‘I have a boyfriend’ meme*
Meme: I have a boyfriend.
[Me as a zoo tour guide]
Me: On your left, we have the African Spotted Tall Bois
8 yo: Aren’t those giraf-
Me: AND ON THE RIGHT we have a Giant Leaf Raccoon
8: They’re pand-
Me: AND STRAIGHT AHEAD, you’ll see the beautiful Wild Barcodes.
8: Zeb-
Me: THIS IS A SILENT TOUR
