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[interview]
“What’s your greatest weakness?”Superman: Seriously?
Passenger: Do you mind if I take a picture out the window?
Pilot: Of course, you utter dipshit.
Look, if I have to stop to explain the reasoning behind everything I do, I’ll never get anything done, so could you please just let me finish the construction of this banana cannon
“you smell good” yeah bro i’ve had a nose my whole life
[being murdered]
omg yay i never get picked for anything
Website: Make a password
Me: Ok
Website: Make it STRONGER so you don’t get HACKED
Me: Wow alright
Website: Damn that’s a strong password
[1 Week Later]
Website: You got hacked
Me: But my password was so strong
Website: Yeah the whole site got hacked. Our bad
Boss: “Do you have a Twitter account?”
Me: “Umm… Yo no hablo inglès.”
Boss: “Tienes una cuenta de Twitter?”
Me: *fakes a seizure*
Sure, it starts off with orcas destroying boats, Next thing you know, they’re chasing my Chevy Spark down I-44.
Of course climate change is man-made. It’s all been meticulously orchestrated by the Titanic survivors, seeking revenge on that iceberg.
I take issue with furniture that deliberately moves 1 inch when you’re in a rush to get by.
How long can one listen to a kid talk before it’s officially considered a hostage situation?
Me: 1yo’s little baby legs are so chonky and sweet. I want to eat them.
3yo: Mommy, NO. We do NOT EAT PEOPLE.
Him: I can’t sleep
Me: try counting sheep
Him: did it ever occur to you that the fact that you filled our bedroom with 27 sheep is the reason why I can’t sleep?
Me: aww you HAVE counted them *claps hands*
I think my life would have turned out differently had I forwarded those chain letters in the 80’s.
me to 8: dude you’re growing up! When you gonna stop getting bigger?
8: I don’t know. When are you gonna stop getting bigger?
me:
I was gonna post a picture of my breakfast but I can’t get the gummy bears to sit up straight.
if i had to do it all over again i would definitely take more evening walks by the pantry
me: [yawning] might get dressed today
coworkers in zoom meeting: please do
It’s unfair to call me lactose intolerant when you consider what I’m willing to go through for lactose.
me: Baby shark doo doo doo doo doo doo baby shark doo doo doo doo doo baby shark! Mommy shark doo doo-
Other people on life raft: please stop
Good morning to everyone except my baby, who already said good morning to me at 1 a.m., 3 a.m., and 5:46 a.m.
It’s cute how the grocery store cashier told me to have a great Thanksgiving like I won’t be back to the store six more times in the next seven days.
A lot of communication between a toddler and a mother is nonverbal. For example, today my 1-year-old walked up to me and handed me deodorant.
Did you know that you can tell the gender of an ant by throwing it in water?
If it sinks = girl ant.
If it floats = buoyant.
Them: ugh could you be more annoying
Me: oh my yes
leaving hand sanitiser and a thermometer gun out for santa this year instead of milk and cookies
*opening heating bill* I wonder how much coal will fit in my stocking
When you’re on the third Zoom meeting of the day and decide you’re just gonna go ahead and eat your lunch and people can just deal with it.
making sure he doesnt get away
