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Told my 4 yo that his hamster died and that was in heaven with God. 4yo: Why would God want a dead hamster?
I’ll sleep when I’m dead but also every night so I don’t die.
I called in dinner at a restaurant and Husband went to pick it up. These texts ensued:
H, “What name did you put it under?”
Me, “Yours.”
H, “Not a fake name?”
M, “Why would I do that?”
H, “Because your weird like that.”
M, “You’re.”
H, “It’s under you’re?”
Me, “Yes.”
Wife : Even if you cheated on me, I wouldn’t leave you.
Me : Really?
Wife : Yes. Why would I reward you for cheating?
If I’m wearing the mask here’s how to tell If I’m smiling: I’m not.
20’s: You can eat whatever you want.
30’s: Just two slices of pizza. You’re watching your weight.
40’s: You gained four pounds watching an Olive Garden commercial.
Feed me pretty and tell me I’m tacos
When we’re old the children will use covid to explain our brain damaged opinions much like we do to boomers with lead. It is fate
I’m allergic to bears. One bear bite and it’s straight to the ER for me.
Thought I was having the worst day a person could have and then heard the guy in the next stall whisper to himself, “Well, that can’t be good.”
don’t have the heart to tell my third wife that Coconut by Harry Nilsson was also the first dance song at my first two weddings
If you made her sweat, sweat till she can’t sweat no more, perhaps you should have taken a water break. Dehydration is dangerous.
I hate it when people try to use big words when they clearly don’t know their meaning. It makes them sound so gelatinous and isosceles.
The dress code for my wedding should have been red flags.
WIFE: *reading headline* Bird flu in China
ME: *not looking up from my phone* Birds fly in every country, Sharon.
when your spouse’s phone rings & they go to the other room to answer it
If someone tells you pick a card, any card take their Visa.
me: so what, you’re gonna be angry at me for the rest of your life
wife: no, the rest of yours
The worst part about being humble is that you can’t brag about it.
A wok that cooks so fast you call it a run.
Bring multiple sets of clothes to work, change every hour, and act like nothing’s different.
Friend: You thinking what I’m thinking?
Me: It’s bullshit there weren’t schools from other continents in the Triwizard Tournament?
F: ….
Friend: Your makeup looks nice.
Me: Thanks. I went to a wedding last weekend.
[driving on familiar, wide back roads with one car every hour or so]
Daughter (11): can we please pull over so I can pet that pony?
Me: ok, fine
SO: don’t get bit!
Son (11): [quickly gets his seatbelt off and opens his door] I’m just getting out to see her get bit!
the scariest thing about jeff bezos is that he is impossible to ratatouille
i don’t like little dogs. i draw the line at ever having to say “we’ll go outside later, Brutus. there’s an owl out there.”
[girlfriend texting me] so what are you gonna do to me tonight 😉
[remembers how she likes it rough] shoot you out of a cannon
Apparently changing the locks isn’t funny to my husband or my kids…but I gave my dog a new key.
Wonder Woman 2: Wonder Woman goes to Costco. She pulls apart 2 shopping carts that are stuck together. Costco shoppers amazed. Roll credits.
Of course I consume a lot of carbs. I don’t want to get decarbohydrated.