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You think if I tell my dad “30 is the new 20” he’ll start paying all my bills for me again like he did 10 years ago?
“Are you submissive? 😏”
No, I’m off my meds with nothing left to lose
Why are ghosts and angels depicted as semi transparent is that what happens when you die they just turn your opacity down
who will die first, you or grey’s anatomy?
Whenever someone says smart phones are turning people into zombies, look up from your phone just long enough to bite them.
How are you supposed to buy a gift for your mom as an adult? It’s like, oh you gave birth to me? Please enjoy this fancy candle.
I only had a few friends before I got on Twitter.
Now I don’t have any.
your come hither look says “yes”, but the way you’re opening & closing that switchblade says “no”
Him: I’m drowning in bills
Me: You should sign up for paperless
sperm bank employee: is he [ear to the wall] is he listening to the full house theme song
every day I think about the girl who thought everyone could “hear the universe’s energy” and it turned out she just had tinnitus, I hope she’s doing well
I just met my daughter’s friend’s mom for the first time and she introduced herself by saying, “Hi, I’m Olivia’s mom, you’ve probably heard me yelling in the background of their Zoom calls.”
Welcome to middle age, where you wake up hungover whether you’ve had a drink or not.
My friend got a tattoo of his wife’s name so I guess he loves her as much as he loves barbed wire.
[interrogation]
What were u doing last nite?
I was killin my neighbour, Bert.
Louder for the tape?
[leans in]
Fillin in paperwork. Busy guy.
My brain is a bad influence on me
Sometimes I feel like I’m a bad mom but then I think, at least I didn’t give away one of my kids because her dad was annoying and then completely pretend she didn’t exist for eleven years until she accidentally met her twin at summer camp.
Her: I like a man with an air of mystery.
Me: [trying to impress her] I’m under investigation for murder.
[family vacation]
Son: how much farther?
Me: call me dad
you ever take a long hard look at yourself and think, “wow, i should really clean this mirror.”
Me: I have a case of the Mondays.
Lawyer: that’s not a thing.
Judge: but it should be I’ll allow.
If I arrive at your party and you ask me to help cut up the pineapple, I’m mad at you.
‘You have a choice to not be rotten’ I patiently explain to my cat who promptly responds by vomiting on the couch
Me: *practicing selfie poses in the gym mirror*
Trainer: Ma’am, are you having a stroke?
Him: I’m an English teacher
Me: Oh yeah? Recite all the Englishes
Her: I’m a sapiophile
Me: I don’t know what that is
Her: it’s being attracted to intelligence
Me: totally I am a sap… sapial… me too
Townspeople: [shaking pitchforks at me] BURN THE WITCH
Me: lmao go ahead I can take it
Townspeople: you have a dumb face
Me: [tearing up] ok I was wrong I can’t take it
The number of STDs I can spell without autocorrect really bothers me.
Well, well, well, if it isn’t the consequences of my own food choices.