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A baby came out of my stomach and I was all “weird, I don’t remember eating that…”
6’5″ guy: [starts a fight with me at the bar]
me: [hides behind GF]
GF: HEY, WHAT THE F-
me: look, we need more strong female lead char-
My kitten runs away when the kids come near her, and now I’m mad that I never thought to try that myself.
I take it personally when I let a car cut in front of me and then they immediately get into another lane. Come back you are with me now.
Parenting is groaning when you have to watch the same movie for the 300th time, but also mad when the kid interrupts the movie because you’re actually watching it
Flex on houseplants by drinking water whenever you want
What does my tattoo mean? It means I couldn’t be trusted with $200 when I was 18
Keep hiring mermaids, but they don’t clean worth a damn, the place always smells like fish, and they leave scales everywhere.
Capture a raccoon & an octopus. Sit them on the couch. Give them snacks. Sit between them. Turn on the TV.
Now you’re ready to have kids.
[Day 5]
GOD: What do you think?
ANGEL: You’re tired. Why don’t we try making the birds tomorrow.
Travelers diarrhea is my favorite illness. You cheat at basketball you get what’s coming to you.
[Being murdered]
You’re on my hair
“Just skip to the part where he pushes stuff off the counter!”
HIM: Are you mad at me?
ME: No.
HIM: Well you’re playing Sims again and removed the ladder to the pool while an avatar that looks remarkably like me drowns.
ME: So? That’s how you play The Sims.
Optimist: the glass is half full
Pessimist: everything is dying
Our forefathers fought against British rule so anyone can become president. For the first time in 240 years, we’re regretting that decision.
“Axe” is not going to help you get girls, unless you spray it in their eyes then quickly chloroform them.
My coworker replaced her chair with an exercise ball to “work her core.”
I’m eating a giant chocolate chip cookie for breakfast.
I win.
I want my car horn changed so that every time I press it, it just yells “SERIOUSLY?!”
FedEx said they needed an adult signature to me, the 26 yo wearing this nice sophisticated outfit 😔
Him: *being flirty* I wish we met when we were young enough to still ruin each other’s lives
Me: *flirting back* I can still ruin your life
It’s National Compliment Day.
So here goes.*clears throat
Some of you are not so bad.
When he was very, very young the Greek philosopher was a mere Aristoddler.
When your coworker tells you they are getting a divorce a high five is not the right answer.
Or so I’ve been told.
Twice now.
A headhunter on LinkedIn wanted me to apply for a job as a bank manager. That’s quality recruitment work right there. Get the English major to run your bank.
I’m not entirely sure what numbers are. When I buy something, I just hand over an amount of money and hope it’s right.
this is the most cat thing ive ever seen
My what?
For once I’d like to get kicked INTO a bar
Pilot: “Attention passengers, our engines have failed. We may not make it.”
Me, still wearing parachute pants since the 80s: “I KNEW this day would come!”
judas: hey man want to come out to last supper
jesus: what?
judas: regular supper, we’re having regular supper tonight, are you free