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Customer service: how can I help you?
Me: yeah, I’d like to change my security question. My favorite kid is now Josh
*sees locks of hair on floor*
*looks at daughter*
*looks at American Girl doll*
“Oh, thank God, you cut your own hair”
All the smart people at the office are worried about being replaced by A.I., but not me. I’m safe until they invent Artificial Stupidity.
I have discovered there is no popcorn in popcorn chicken. I guess that means it’s not worth trying hash browns.
Two weeks until Canadian Thanksgiving. Better start defrosting the beaver.
DOG (watching me stuff my face): Let the Cheez-Its hit the floor. Let the Cheez-Its hit the floor. Let the Cheez-Its hit the–
ME: Ope…
Me: a pessimist sees the glass half empty; an optimist see the glass half full.
Wife: [returning from the restroom] why is half my mimosa gone?
Me: because you’re a pessimist.
My husband bought me jewelry for Valentine’s day. He doesn’t know it yet, but that was still nice of him.
Finally got the mustache thick enough where other mustache guys are giving me the mustache-comradery nod. Absolutely crushed it at Home Depot today. Neck sore from nodding.
Me: Should we watch WandaVision?
Wife: She’s probably too young to understand it
3: *draws a rune on the wall*
A woman just pulled out her checkbook to pay for groceries and even the cultured butter dropped an f-bomb.
[heaven]
ME: Lord?
JESUS: My son
ME: I have an important question
JESUS: I know…The meaning of life is f-
ME: Is Die Hard a Christmas movie?
Could sum up all Indiana Jones movies with ‘finding old stuff violently.’
*Opens a window and the wind blows 42 corndogs from my desk.*
“Oh no! My research!!”
btw the stereotype of americans i have run into the most so far in europe is that americans work themselves to death for nothing
Maybe money can’t buy Happy but it can probably buy Dopey at a good price.
[lightning strike super close to our house]
5-year-old: Missed me.
I just ruined my 5 year olds’ entire life by using the wrong shade of yellow for the sun
Yay parenting
Shout out to Clifford the Big Red Dog. He coulda eaten those kids a long time ago
Who called it heckling a cow and not roast beef?
what do you want!!!!!!!!
Cats. Honed by centuries of evolution into efficient, remorseless hunters. Also:
Right now, someone likes something you don’t and other people are agreeing. You just gonna sit there and let that happen?
Horrifying if literal: Robert Burns
Praying for someone else’s sins is the ultimate “I’d like to speak to the manager”
[at Applebees on Christmas]
God: Your food good?
Jesus: Ya, it-
*a crowd of servers surrounds them*
Jesus: You didn’t…
HAPPY BIRTHDAY TO Y
*Knocks down spider web*
Spider: Rude
*Hangs up spider web Halloween decorations*
Spider: Unbelievable
Ghosts will turn lights on and off, open and close doors, move objects, but never once have they ever turned on a treadmill and I think that’s very telling.
I’m opening an Italian restaurant for Alphas called “Testosteroni.” Who want to get in on the ground floor?
my son wont get past his bridge troll phase. its a phase all children have, where they live under a bridge and rob people with a gun