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Dating: *lights candle to set the mood*
Married: *lights sage to ward off the evil poop smell*
Son: Dad, I’m so excited. I got a B in spelling!
Dad: That’s a D, moron.
If we put aside our differences and work together, I truly believe we can come up with a few more alternate spellings of the name Britney.
“I’ll take the Batmobile. Robin, you take the–”
[Robin doing up laces]
“The Batskates, yeah I know.”
i like my women how i like my basements, creepy and wet
My phone autocorrected “gym” to “fun” so I threw it in the trash bc it’s obviously broken.
I think this lady I’m stalking just found out. She changed her wifi name to:
“Hey you in the tree. I’ve called the cops.”
Witness protection program or abducted by aliens? I wanna get this breakup text just right
Me “What are you doing to your tooth?!”
5 “Trying to pull it out.”
Me “That’s going to hurt.”
5 “I don’t care. I need the money.”
*Googles: pet raccoons
“Raccoons are wild animals. Keeping raccoons is ILLEGAL in…”
*scrolls
“What to Expect From Your Pet Raccoon!”
*clicks
Buried bones of a famous crime family might be located at an Olive Garden. “When you’re here, you’re family.”
Wow… Gmail’s auto reply has gotten really good
Safe sex is stupid. Safes can’t get pregnant.
[First day working in an optometrists]
Me: They’re called reading glasses but they don’t actually read. You still have to do that.
Optometrist: Can I see you in my office?
Me: *nudges customer* I would hope so lol
my kid used my Netflix profile so now my “continue watching” thread is Murder, Murder, Cocomelon, Murder, Murder, Baking
Them: Listen to your body more.
Body: You’re old. And you want lasagna.
*sales call
Sales Rep: Trust me sir, I’m giving you the best deal..
Me: Ofcourse I trust you, we’ve been talking since 2 minutes, feels like forever
Daughter: dada?
Me: no honey it’s not.
Daughter: is time travel possi-
Me: [winks].
Daughter: [runs away] AHHHHHHH!
Wife: how did you do that?
Me: I paid our son a dollar to ask her to ask me.
Me: Shhhhh. Keep it quiet…I’ll slip out of bed and find you around 3:00 am.
Leftover Pie:
simultaneously my vacuum caught fire and my crush texted me, so the vacuum had to wait
Instead of looking for things that divide you look for things that bring you together, like the way you all look for things that divide you.
I left some new office rules in the break room of an office I don’t work at…
Autocorrect changed cute dimple to cute pimple and now he won’t reply to my messages.
here’s my dating advice. Take your date to go-karts. everyone loves go-karts. I just solved your life. you’re welcome
No, YOU heard a sad song on your headphones and cried while on the treadmill at your neighborhood gym.
People Magazine chooses Channing Tatum as “Sexiest Man Alive”. Do we really need the “alive” part or is the zombie vote that strong?
Billy Joel’s washing is still wet because he didn’t start the dryer.
Where do storm troopers sit when they go to church?
In a pewpewpew
One way to tell if what you’re watching isn’t really news is if the person is shouting at you.
“Huge hole found growing on surface of Sun”
*drops string cheese*
“This hole is no cause for alarm”
*picks up string cheese*