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I want what any normal girl wants in life… A great job, a loving husband and to be the wallpaper on thousands of iPhones.
Bought two shirts at Kohl’s and according to their calculations I saved $2,750.
I thought Match .com was a place to arrange fights to the death, but turns out it’s a website to find love. So I was close.
“Make him press 1 again.”
“Good.”
“Now, 3 minutes of silence.”
“He still there?”
“Give him 18 minutes of pan flute.”– Call Center Training
Whenever someone tells me they have an IQ of 140, I wonder if that’s Fahrenheit or centigrade.
[Pulling brother’s life support plug]
*whispers in ear*
“This is for that time you cheated at Monopoly.”
high school was the free trial version of college. “if you wish to continue your education you can buy the complete pack for $50,000”
WIFE: i’m leaving you
ME: is it because I name inanimate objects?
WIFE: no, it’s because you won’t stop wearing that eyepiece
ME: [looking perplexed] why do you hate Monoclewinsky?
Thanks to Twitter, rock bottom now has a waiting list.
Me: the refrigerator wasn’t built for this
Her: all the food?
Me: no this penguin
to any witches I’ve offended: please don’t shrink me, it would be just awful if I had to go live in this large nineteenth-century doll’s house
every 5 year old named Khaleesi is about to get a little brother named Zelenskyy
*sees any 3 stars in a row*
(confidently)
“that’s orion’s belt”
Sardine Wife: “What’s wrong?”
Sardine Husband: “I just need some space, Linda.”
Sardine Wife: “WHERE EXACTLY SHOULD I GO, KENNETH”
Why is your kid mad at you today? Mine is mad because I didn’t take him to a restaurant that shut done before he was born.
5: How come we never do anything fun?
Me: We went to an amusement park..
5: Yeah but that was a really long time ago
Me: It was yesterday
If my cats are going to insist upon me getting up early they’re gonna have to learn how to make coffee
The mail slot on your door is so you can tell the mailman you love him
Ramadan month is exhausting. You have to wait all day to Instagram your food.
[sees people filming a movie] yeah real original. a movie. like that’s never been done before
What do people who drive 20 mph slower in the rain want from us
[spelling bee]
Your word is ‘mnemonic’
“Can you use it in a sentence?”
Memory Needs Every Method Of Nurturing Its Capacity
Genie: And your second and third wish?
Me: [just killing it on banjo now that my fingers are slightly less fat than they used to be] No need
came home to find the cat drunk again. the dog of course said nothing.
You can’t intimidate me; you’re not a hairbrush.
“The best things in life are free.” ~ shoplifters.
Someone should have warned me, that when you have kids, they talk to you, like, ALL. THE. TIME.
hacker: i know your social security number
me: that makes one of us
If you call all the priests “daddy” you don’t have to go back to church.
I do believe I’m an Empath. I can always sense when someone I’m attacking is in a bad mood.