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I am grateful for the canned, boxed, frozen dinners my parents provided. BUT my favorite thing about having worked in kitchens for years and having the time and ability to cook great, from-scratch meals for my children is when they say, “Ugh! Can’t we just order pizza!?!”
BRONTOSAURUS: Why don’t you wear that sweater I bought you?
T. REX: I don’t think I could pull it off
I love my husband. But, what really motivates me to stay married is how much weight I’d have to lose to date again.
ghost: boooooOoo
me: you better stop
ghost: what are you doing
me: [setting up ouji board] i’m calling your mother
ghost: oooOooooh noooOoooOooo
That is the biggest doily I have ever seen.
Because of social distancing if someone cuts you off and gives you the finger you can’t get out and fight them which is why I now carry a jousting lance in the Jeep.
If sleeper cells advertised themselves as napping cells, they’d see a huge increase in membership.
[floor creaks inside mansion]
Robber 1: shhhhhh…
Robber 2: …
[Fitbit buzzes]
Me: HEY GUYS I JUST GOT MY STEP GOAL
I wonder how many mini Reese’s cups I can fit in each cheek before my facial recognition stops working?
Cashier: Would you like a receipt?
Me: Absolutely. This was the best Pop Tarts buying experience of my life & it’s going into my scrapbook!
casting director: whenever you’re ready
me: the name’s bond… james bond
casting director: okay, hold up a sec. do you want to try it without the finger guns
me: no
Girlfriend just called me by my full given name.This is gonna end poorly.
an alarm clock that repeatedly & loudly makes the sound of a windshield wiper going across a windshield that is not completely wet
I remember when it was called “drinking a glass of water” instead of “hydrating.”
Hide-and-seek is just as much fun for adults, although it usually ends with someone getting hit with a restraining order.
Her: is it in yet
Me: *fumbling with phone charger behind bed* don’t rush me
It was midnight. I was alone and online with a lot of available credit. I saw an ad for boots. The perfect storm began. I bought shoes, a bra, 11 pounds of tomato sauce, a life-size elephant inflatable, and two used cars.
Hairdresser: [holding up mirror] what do you think?
Me: [horrified] I love it
So apparently there are two types of white towels in my house. Ones to dry off and ones to touch if you want your fingers broke.
public bathrooms: wash your hands
also public bathrooms: here’s a microgram of soap, 2 seconds of water, and an inch of paper towel– good luck to ya!
My kids’ hamster escaped and I found her hiding from them in the closet so I just left her in there because honestly I get it… I get it.
One of the cool things they don’t tell you about your thirties is you can hurt your neck by turning to look at something, which is wild because that is neck’s main job.
I sleep with a squirt gun under my pillow just in case a gang of cats break in while I’m sleeping.
Take me down to Vatican City where the church loves greed and the Pope’s all quitty!
– Nuns N’ Moses
(I’m so sorry)
If you have an enemy, recommend a bad salon, it’s the best revenge ever
FRIEND: I just found out my kid lost another tooth
ME: Really? Which one?
FRIEND: Katie
ME: Wow, I didn’t know your kid named his teeth
“Kids today are pathetic” is NOT a good take from the generation raising today’s kids. It’s like giving a bad Yelp review to the restaurant you run.
Dollar Tree pregnancy tests.
For when you only want to be 35% sure.
It’s okay to have a favorite child, especially if one of your kids is great at baking.
Dating – Do you want to share my cheesecake?
Married- Touch my cheesecake and I’ll end you.