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ME: I’d like a free burrito
CHIPOTLE CASHIER: Sir, it’s buy 1 get 1 free
ME: Right [points to stranger] that guy just bought one
*Puts on Kool-aid guy pitcher costume outside of a bank*
Friend: This isn’t going to work.
Me: Bank vault here I come. *Charges at wall*
My daughter was looking at a photo and asked…“How come you don’t look like this anymore?” Was about to be sad but then realized the pic was of Halloween and I was dressed up as Pippi Longstocking and she just really likes flying pigtails
My 20mo came in while I was giving 4yo a bath w a bath bomb. “Pink bath?” She asked, dumbfounded. My husband took her to her room but seconds later she came thundering down the hall, pointing, blinded by the injustice, “PINK BATH!!” She yelled and tried to climb in fully clothed.
Personal trainer said we’re going to try some dips today.
I brought hot salsa and tangy cheese. He hates me.
My 1 year old kept saying “I lug ya” and I was so excited until I realized he was trying to say “alexa” not “I love you”
If you are single, just be patient. Your soulmate is almost done with their divorce papers 😉
31 years old, still bitterly disappointed by what “carpool” means.
long distance relationships can work if the 4 of you all truly trust each other.
If whisky can damage your short term memory, just think what whisky can do.
Me: *places a hold on a book in the Libby app*
Libby app: There’s a 36 week wait on this book.
Me: *starts another book while I wait*
*two hours later*
Libby app: Your hold is ready.
[working at prison coffee shop]
I walk up to the biggest guy in there & punch his loyalty card bc repeat customers are crucial to business
My boss: “Sean, what do you know about Twitter?” Me: “nothing. Why? What have you heard?”
Water Park Lifeguard: I said you are unwelcome here
Me: I promise this corduroy swimsuit isn’t as flammable as the last one- please?
I want to jump in a time machine, find the person who decided the work week should be 5 days and the weekends only 2, smack them across the face, and come home.
The USA is having so many disasters and tragedies you’d almost think it was built on thousands of ancient Indian burial grounds.
you ran a half marathon? that’s really cool, i’ve almost finished a bunch of things too
Trying to pass my red flags off as a mini golf course
Gluten free pizza is like a roller coaster that just goes straight.
me: is there a doctor on this plane?????
doctor: i’m a doctor
me: my mom wants us to meet
I had a cat and a Beta fish once. Then I left my apartment for a minute. After that I had a cat.
judge: what do you have to say for yourself
scooby-doo villain: i was legally startling trespassers on my own private property and was wrongfully arrested and imprisoned by a group of high teenagers
judge: oh damn
Y’all know who you are.
Hey neighbor…
Hope you…
Don’t mind…
Me borrowing…
Your…
Trampoline…
hmmm
I’m so glad this hat comes with instructions
[valentine’s day]
gf: [reading my txt] “keith just said he’s going to give me 92 minutes of pleasure tonight”
her friend: “oh wow”
[later watching shrek 2]
me: “you look disappointed”
I travel a lot for work and carry around a piece of paper in an envelope with a load of nonsense words written on it in the hope that, if I ever die suddenly, I will become the subject of internet conspiracy theories for years to come
I see you posted a photograph of snow with the caption “it’s cold” could you tell me more about that
Most annoying times to be attacked by bees
3. Seconds after selling your beekeeper’s suit
2. A day before you’re due to set a record for the longest anyone’s gone without being stung by a bee
1. During a battle to the death with your arch-nemesis who’s wearing a beekeeper’s suit