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Harry Potter at an interview
Interviewer: It says here you defeated Lord Voldemort when you were 17 years-old.
Harry: That’s correct, sir.
Interviewer: But no experience with Excel. Wow.
Million dollar idea: an alarm clock that plays Nickelback if you hit snooze.
The fake cough I use when calling in sick is now available on iTunes.
When you’re alone in your room, start doing karate so ghosts know what’s up.
I’ll smash someone’s car window on a hot day if I see they’ve left a chocolate bar melting inside.
I just heard a newborn crying & my remaining ovary shriveled up & fell out. I kicked it under the fridge. The ovary, I’m not a monster.
It’s amazing how little sleep you can survive on, just by eating right, cutting out alcohol & sharing a bedroom with a vengeful poltergeist.
Lifehack: Turn any noun into an insult by simply putting ‘You absolute’ before it.
Examples:
You absolute drum
You absolute fridge
You absolute shed
You absolute goose
You absolute bollard
Don’t have a house cat drive you to the post office. I know that now.
ME: *coughing* I’m sorry my voice is a little hoarse.
CHESS PLAYER: did.. did you just swallow my knight?
[at grocery store]
Son: Why is this peach fuzzy?
Me: That’s nothing. You should’ve seen them in the 70s
so awkward to break up with a friend at the Renaissance Fair who is the back-half of your Centaur costume 😥
cop: do you have a license to fish?
me: yes.
cop: ok you may go.
me: *drives away on my fish*
Forever 21… pounds overweight
Whoever’s responsible for the Microsoft outage is getting fired anyway, so the smart thing to do would be knock Teams out for the day too and leave a hero.
“Eat right and exercise?!?…
I dunno…seems like some kind of a scam, Doc.”
I’ve just had to reset my password to Delicate Luggage Handler as I was told it had to be case sensitive.
NINE MONTHS LATER, A FIRE TRUCK WAS BORN
My cat walks down the steps in front of me like he’s the beneficiary of my life insurance.
How do I tell someone respectfully to die in a fire?
the joker: lol i’m going to get rid of the one thing you care of most
batman [clenching fist]: pancakes
robin [slowly being dropped into pool of sharks]: what
Retweet this and something good will happen at some point in the near future that you can choose to attribute to having retweeted this.
Romance is weird. My wife said she wanted fantasy play but got angry when I handed her the wizard beard & 20 sided dice
Why do people apologize when their dog runs up to you? You could stuff your dog down the back of my shirt and I’d give you a dollar
Him: [running his fingers through my hair] is… is this part of a cookie?
A couple weeks ago I was introduced to Jason Momoa AS I WAS WALKING INTO THE GYM in case you’re wondering what every sad song on my next album will be about
SNOW WHITE: so how’d you get your names?
SNEEZY: I sneeze a lot
SLEEPY: I sleep a lot
GRUMPY: my wife left me
If I took every USB cable I’ve ever owned and strung them end-to-end, I’d have a cable 34 miles long that I still couldn’t find when I needed it.
[Jesus’ dating profile]
I love wine that’s made from water, taking long walks on the ocean and going to supper w my friends.
WIFE:
“At recess today, some kid named Billy told our daughter that he had butterflies in his stomach. Isn’t that adorable?”ME:
”That Miller kid? He’ll eat anything.”