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Her: Thank goodness you brought home a bottle of Drano, but how did you know we had a clogged drain?
Me: *chugging the entire bottle* what?
Me: *singing* They say music is the food of love
Her: I’m not hungry
Unpopular Opinion: the wooden ball inside an avocado is a seed
Me: *leans in for a kiss
CPR Instructor: Did you just say ‘leans in for a kiss’???
so unrealistic when scary movies show an empty rocking chair rocking back and forth. there should be a pile of laundry on it
i can’t believe my little brother is a father we used to have to hide beans in the higher up cabinets so he wouldn’t shove them up his nose
earlier I was standing in a queue to get into a show with my producer and she pointed at someone and said, “that’s Gerard Butler” and I sort of did a friendly wave at him, because I didn’t know who Gerard Butler was and I thought he was maybe one of her friends
P Diddy or P Didn’t he?
I’m “Since when did it become unacceptable for your socks to show” years old.
*doctor looks up*
I’m afraid you have forgetting about 80’s bands disease
“Oh god what’s The Cure?”
*doctor sighs*
It’s worse than I thought
Cop: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: Hello! I’m really high sorry about my driving. I’m ready to order now.
Yes liquor store clerk, I do need help. But I decided to come here instead.
Hell yes I want to apply for your store credit card. Let’s go through the entire process now while the shoppers in line behind me fantasize about my brutal murder.
Everyone was texting her good morning sunshine, so I texted her “good morning solar eclipse”
Yeah, don’t do that.
Adult: If it ain’t broke don’t fix it
Child: If it ain’t breakable, not interested
ME: *points at my “World’s Greatest Dad” shirt*
CO-WORKER: *points at his own “World’s Greatest Dad” shirt*
ME: *takes a sip from my “World’s Greatest Dad” mug*
CO-WORKER: *sips from his own “World’s Greatest Dad” mug*
ME: [eyes narrow] *draws “World’s Greatest Dad” sword*
*Caterpillar marriage therapy*
Wife: he’s not the man I married
Husband flying around room: I’m the same on the inside Karen!!!
Q. Why did the ghost’s dessert come back when he threw it?
A. It was a boo meringue
Not reading the replies to this
I’d throw you a flower, infact, I’d throw you an entire plant.
Live, laugh, lie to the doctor about how many drinks you have per week
“I’m here for the hookers and the booze!!!”
“Sir, this is a library.”
*whispers… “I’m here for the hookers and the booze.”
[universe where we use wormholes to deliver food]
*a potato flies thru the wormhole and hits my son Blent in the face*
Me: stay sharp Blent
Let me tell you how you lost this game according to these rules I’ve just made up.
-Kids when you play board games together.
What’s the downside of being rude to your executioner?
Mum: get me a plate
Me: which plate?
Mum: any plate, doesn’t matter
*brings plate*
Mum: no not that one
[Who Wants To Be A Millionaire]
ME: I’d like to phone a friend.
HOST: (after 14 different attempts with no answer) The shows only an hour long.
I feel sorry for the Phillip whose head inspired the screwdriver.
I’m not saying my son’s basketball team is really bad. I’m typing it.