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[ first day in funeral home ]
me: *gently placing hand on widow’s lap* this is your husband’s it fell off
The only issue with being single is when you fall asleep on the couch after dinner and are wide awake at midnight and you can’t make it someone else’s problem
Friday night. Gonna put on my dancing shoes, throw on my coolest shirt, and aimlessly browse Netflix for an hour
Monday, why can’t you be more like Tuesday and have tacos
Don’t propose with a diamond, that’s so yesterday. Propose with a pair of oven mitts, at least she’ll knows what she’s getting herself into.
My 10yr old just asked me to stop brushing her brain, when I put her hair up in a pony tail.
On a scale of ‘woke up in the gutter’ to ‘CAPS LOCK IS TOO LOUD’..
How hung over are you?
blocking someone isn’t enough i want them to be forced to drink orange juice after brushing their teeth
The horror. The apostrophe’s.
Little known fact:
If you eat a Tide POD™ you will poop out the secret of how to fold a fitted sheet.
My husband is mad at me because I’m finger quotes “condescending”.
Mrs Lemon: hi honey. Good day at work?
Mr Lemon: awful. Care for some homemade lemonade?
Mrs Lemon: where… where are the kids?
There’s something mentally wrong with people who ask other parents if their baby isn’t the cutest baby they’ve ever seen
Me: let’s take those jeans!
Her: idk, that’s stealing
Me: *stuffing the jeans into my backpack* we’ll just walk out with them… no one will notice
Arby’s patron whose jeans I just pulled off: I’ve already noticed
When I’m bored on a plane, I pull a random machine part out of my pocket and ask the person next to me “Do you know where this came from?”
In a few hours, after I become a billionaire, I’m changing all the contact names in my phone to peasant.
It’s wet right there and I don’t know why
– a one sentence horror story
“Mommy don’t sit on the swing because you’re going to make it wider!” – my daughter screaming to me at the park
Brought home almond milk from the grocery store
My bf: You know, if you like nut milk you could….
Me: No
I AM dressing for the job I want (I want to be a sweatpants model)
gargoyle: I’m not feeling well, omg *blarfgh!!!
DRACULA: [bites me]
ME: Oh shit, am I vampire now?
DRACULA: Yes.
ME: Forever?
DRACULA: No, we’re only creating limited-term adjunct vampires due to budget cuts.
ME: Oh okay. Any chance it becomes permanen—
DRACULA: No. Now get in this coffin you share with 20 other vampires.
GUY 1: Why can’t we skip rope without society judging us?
GUY 2: What if we occasionally beat the crap out of each other?
Boxing is born.
Imagine the alien whose first encounter with a human is somebody struggling to put on their scuba flippers.
Makes a girlfriend in IIT. Breaks up with her. Adds Ex IITian in bio.
My teacher always said not to worry about correct spelling, because we have autocorrect.
And for that I am infernally grapefruit.
I’m not saying that I’d summon Cthulhu to avoid work this morning, but I’m not ready to say that I wouldn’t either
I always sleep naked. I don’t care if it makes people uncomfortable, they can just switch buses.
Told my daughter that whoever takes the longest nap gets to choose what’s for dinner.
And now we wait.
PSA: Tipsy driving is drunk driving.
