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-Sir we found hot glue in her ears nose and mouth, seems she suffocated.
-Well whoever did this must be pretty….crafty.
-Go to hell sir.
*on a first date*
Me: I’m in financ-
Her: oh finance that’s cool
Me: ial debt. Crippling financial debt
[Security breach at Wayne manor]
BRUCE: *brooding darkly*
ALFRED: The back door is literally just a waterfall
No matter how many times he was killed by their products, Wile E Coyote remained loyal to the ACME brand. You’ve gotta respect that.
Life hack:
When a police officer is asking you to touch your index finger to your nose, pretend your nose is a snooze button at 5AM.
Parenting Tip: Wear clothing with pockets so you can flip off your children inconspicuously.
If I close my eyes and nod while eating the food you made, it was good.
If you see me eating like a raccoon, it is absolutely amazing.
14: Mom, you’re like the youngest mom in my grade. So how far apart are we in age?
Me: I had you when I was 24.
14: So we’re like 10 years apart.
As per my previous tablet…
imagine being a bald vampire and every time you walk by a mirror your toupee looks like it’s floating in mid air.
judge: how do you plead
me: no further questions your honor
Me: What’s the capital of Ohio?
Son: …
Me: It’s also a famous explorer.
Son: Dora?
Me: Yep. Dora, Ohio.
In a previous life I may have been a carrier pigeon, in that all I ever think about is going home.
[1st Row at Beyoncé Concert]
Beyoncé: Who run da world?! *points mic at me*
ME: [having briefly heard the song once before] …squirrels?
RELATIONSHIPS: Because sometimes destroying your life is a two person job
I could be wrong, but an escape goat strikes me as an awfully inefficient getaway plan.
Walked by a coworkers computer and he was just looking at a picture of a hotdog
I read all your bumper stickers and now we’re both stupid.
[dark alley]
ME: someone told me that you knew how to fry rice
SHRIMP: [takes long drag from cigarette, murders me]
Spilling your powder while wearing black isn’t the worst thing that could happen to you in the morning.
It’s definitely up there though.
Who called it a witches’ coven and not a hex trafficking ring?
Apparently when your wife says “let’s make a baby,” she doesn’t mean assemble an infant from clay and chant The Old Words inside a pentagram
Never seen anyone in Nandos or McDonald’s pick up an appropriate amount of napkins – you’re cleaning up after a burger not a double homicide
How did you break your leg?
[flashes back to tripping over couch] I twisted it while pushing a toddler out of the way of an oncoming train.
Seize the day! Kidnap the evening! Murder the night! Assault the afternoon!
As a child all I wanted was as to be a time traveller like my grandson and his grandson before him.
Meet your new stalker! The good news is I’m middle aged and very lazy. You’ll hardly notice I’m here.
[fast food management]
“All dipping sauces go into a plastic container.”
“What about ketchup?”
“Use a tiny pouch impossible to open without getting half of it on your fingers.”
Found an ant in my bathroom today, which is weird because I haven’t had a picnic in there for like 3 months.
Ok so my husband and I are mad at each other, and I just noticed on the grocery list he wrote “A Better Attitude”
Do I laugh or….?