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you’ll be having a good day and then someone your age says they’re buying a house
My reading glasses would look good on your nightstand.
-Me, flirting.
Some of you people, plus the magic marker I ate earlier, make me sick.
Waiter: here’s your milksha-
James Bond: grrrrrrr
Waiter: -stirred your milkstirred
Your brain needs exercise just as much as your body does
That’s why I think of running everyday
Last night my wife asked me to grab her keys out of her purse, but instead I found 3 Tupperware lids, 2 socks & a third kid we didn’t know we had
I don’t flex at the gym…but I will air dry to the Macarena to buy myself some space in the men’s locker room.
When you ask for your phone charger back and your teenager has the audacity to ask “what percentage are you on?”
My mom found a Barbie Dreamhouse at a garage sale when I was a kid, but all the stickers were ripped off so I drew on appliances and wallpaper. Debbie, down the street, called it Barbie Crackhouse and now she wants to be my friend on Facebook? Ha!
*high fives my therapist*
“At least you tried.”
the 2yr old is walking around going, “sus, sus,” and I wondered what I was doing to have him question my motives.
turns out he just wanted apple sauce
I have a friend who doesn’t drink coffee, so to stay alert at work he gets a healthy amount of sleep each night. What a loser
If the One Ring had been a kitten then Sauron would have spent the whole book trying to find his kitten, sending whole armies out to look for it, while the fellowships heroic quest involved throwing a kitten in a volcano. Makes you think
Saw a police officer dressed as a pilot today & thought it was weird. Then I realized he must be one of those “plane clothes cops.”
me: the opposite of “some” is both “all” and “none”, which are also opposites of each other but not opposites of “some”
the pentagon: who else have you talked to about this
Prank Idea: Toss some red laundry in the ocean and turn the great white sharks into the great pink sharks.
Every mega rich guy has been or is becoming super interested in ways to get off of the planet. Seems fine
[ouija board]
me: are there any spirits with us? Speak now
ouija board: H E L L O F R O M T H E O T H E R S I D E
me: ….please stop
You won’t believe this, kids, but TV used to end. Every day. They played the national anthem, and then it just…stopped. Scary, huh?
[robber breaks into my house] i always knew you’d come for me, my darling. where are you going
Anyone else having a near life experience today?
If you see something, say something.
My dog: i got this
The worst part about re-watching Home Alone is you just know Kevin’s parents bought this house for like $250K.
If you like piña coladas
And gettin’ caught in the rain
Then you need an umbrella
For your drink & your mane
My wife is:
1) Am amazing mom and a great friend
2) Still the most beautiful girl I’ve ever been with
3) Now following me on Twitter
*climbing on massage table*
Me: Okay so here’s the thing, I don’t like to be touched
if you haven’t yet today pleaseeeee make sure you get in your hours and hours of screen time. you are your phone’s entire life. it misses you ♥️♥️🫶🏼🫶🏼 always remember this
2015. Worse than the death of paper is the death of staplers. Rest in peace you sexy plastic alligators.
“A UFO was just shot down 5 miles from my house.”
-Everyone on TikTok