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I met a young fashion designer earlier, and it wasn’t long before I was in the bedroom ripping her clothes off.
I love counterfeiting stuff
Unfortunately, Yoda’s proposal came across as more of a statement, possibly even a threat. And so, he lived out his life alone, forever pining for “which got away, the one.”
IRS: You claimed deductions for coffee and alcohol?
Me: They’re my dependencies.
IRS: It’s “dependents.”
Me: Oh, hahaha! Is prison hard?
Up to 300 serial killers are active every day but the good news is that some of us have been incapacitated by the internet.
Vin Diesel memes still relevant? Ok.
hey babe come look at the cat. he looks the same as he always does and hes just sitting there. babe come look. hey come look at the cat
I wish my 3yo ate dinner as well as he eats toothpaste
Apiarist: Don’t! Stop!
Bee: *leaving*
[Approaches table]
Me: Can I buy you a drink?
Him: This is an AA meeting.
Me: Oh, I’m sorry. Can I buy you some drugs?
I wish they’d stop turning movies into musicals and make them ice shows instead.
I’d pay good money to see “The Godfather on Ice.”
Where are you going?
“Ice fishing”
You know you can just buy ice at the store right?
“No I mean th…”
Or just freeze some water even…
[On my death bed]
My son: Before you go, could you make me pancakes?
[flirting between USA and Canada]
Canadian: you’re my favourite.
American: no u.
If you’re ever attacked by a mob of angry Vegans…
…don’t worry about it. They’re too weak to hurt you.
Starting my own social media site called Chaos Realm which is just a Google doc that anyone can edit
[Confession]
“I killed a man”
“Wait what”
“Lol had to get that off my chest, now why did you come in today, my son?”
Amazon is a $250 billion dollar company that reacts to you buying a vacuum by going THIS GUY LOVES BUYING VACUUMS HERE ARE SOME MORE VACUUMS
Help Wanted
That awkward moment when twins realize that one of them was not planned
My husband Scott and I don’t have much of a sex life anymore. I’ve been getting off Scott free for years
If Usain Bolt ever becomes a zombie we are all screwed.
In RL I’m a car salesman. Which means its my job to know how many bodies fit in the trunk of a car officer. This is all work related.
My great grandfather always used to call me Alan. I thought it was him being silly, but I later discovered I was going to the wrong house.
Sometimes I like to trick my dryer by selecting the Bedding setting when the load is really jeans and towels.
Disney say they’re going to make Mickey Mouse’s hands smaller for “realism”.
Well, not on my watch.
jk rowling: every character will have a meaningful arc. harry finds the family he never had
editor: nice
jk rowling: ron faces his fears. hermione questions authority.
editor: what about, what’s his name, neville?
jk rowling: oh, shawty gets DUMB thicc
Seems I can never find good brussels sprouts at the store, so I decided to grow them myself. Turns out I don’t like brussels sprouts.
I just kept my pants buckled for 30 minutes straight so I think I know a little bit about endurance training, Sheila