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Finally passed GO. That’s the last time I eat a Monopoly board.
I just really hope The Weeknd’s real name isn’t Mnday.
My kid has the wildest imagination, there isn’t even a wait when she’s playing doctor
Once a guy pisses me off, I cancel their whole age group.
Currently accepting men aged 53, 74, and 98.
*buys a sectional couch made of cauliflower*
My wife is the most beautiful, intelligent person standing right behind me reading my Twitter feed.
For a while after my wife left me I found it really difficult to listen to any of ‘our’ songs. She’d taken the entire CD collection with her.
what’s wrong babe? you haven’t touched your shrekfast yet
velma: another mystery solved gang. there’s no such thing as the supernatural, just ol’ fashioned trickery
scooby doo, the talking dog: rol’ rashioned rickery
If you drink 6 RedBulls in less than an hour, they’re not allowed to arrest you for stealing a bus. Read the can if you don’t believe me.
[we arrive at the Pet Sematary]
Jud: we’ll rest here, but there’s a… a place further on, it’s got power
Me: how much further on
Jud: three miles
Me: *finger guns* no thank you
[I chuck my dead cat into the woods and go home]
“If anyone has any objections, speak now or-
SHES LITERALLY A BANANA
Groom: IS THIS TRUE EMMA?
Best man: I f’kin KNEW she bruised too easily
Me: My dog ran away two days ago
Dog pound: Does he have a tag?
Me [covers phone to ask wife]: Is the dog on Instagram?
Job interview
HR: What’s your best asset?
Me: I have an excellent memory.
HR: Give me an example.
Me: Of what?
Batman: [sees signal] what’s the emergency
Commissioner Gordon: why weren’t you at my birthday party
I would like to propose Dual-McDonald’s, one side is for people who know what they want because we all have the same order as adults for life and one for people who eat there 3 times a week but pretend they’ve never seen the menu before.
me: I won two tix in the car on the way home today!
husband: cool, what for?
me: Speeding and Failure To Maintain A Lane.
Guys, if you want to make a girl moan, tremble, and scream: be a spider.
I’m smart. Just not remembers how to write a cursive Z, smart.
The Eggorcist
So now I’m told that when cats bring in dead mice, they aren’t “trophies”, but a critique on your own ability to hunt and feed yourself. Which is a bit rich from an an animal that gives it the big leg rub when it fancies a pouch of salmon & herring, the grifting whiskery pricks.
ME:WHY ARE YOU LEAVING ME? EVERYBODY LEAVES ME!
UBER DRIVER:This is where you wanted to be dropped off, right?
ME:*wiping away a tear* Yes.
There’s an app for the people who say they’re not seeking some form of validation here. It’s called a diary.
ask your girlfriend for her ring size and then give her a personalised bowling ball
The Epstein client list but to the tune of Mambo number 5.
Travelers diarrhea is my favorite illness. You cheat at basketball you get what’s coming to you.
Goat: So, I make a ridiculous sound?
God: Yes.
Goat: Anything else weird I should know about?
God: Horizontal Pupils
Goat: What the- *stiffens, falls sideways*
God: YouTube is gonna love you.
I accidentally gave my newborn Muscle Milk instead of formula and now he’s blasting Pantera and doing one arm pull-ups off his crib
[seafood restaurant]
CHEF: where are my shellfish?!
ME: *sneaking Prawn Solo and Luke Sidewalker out the door* quick, the rebel alliance needs you
If you were ever wondering what that last doughnut is doing while it listens to you eat its siblings…
