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If you could pick a super power what would it be? Mine would be eating a nutritious meal when I’m depressed
Hitting the brakes, I instinctually reach my arm out in front of my passenger seat as my mother did before me. It’s ok, I whisper to my travel Doritos, you’re safe.
How to properly use a paper clip:
1. Throw in garbage
2. Use a stapler
Get in, there’s no time to explain.
Recipes in your 40s should be like, the first thing you’re going to want to do with the frozen bag of peas is ice your knees.
I got a 6 month head start on No Shave November, so I think my chances of winning are pretty good this year.
[a guy walking his dog grabs my purse and they run off]
Me: Hey, that’s not nice! You get back here this instant and let me pet that dog!
Isn’t is weird how we have one million dog breeds and everyone is like “goldendoodle” this or “chihuahua mix” that and if you ask someone what type of cat they have it’s just like “an orange one”
*deathbed*
All that time wasted. When I could have been *looks at family*
getting down to this… sick… beat
*dies*
*widow rolls eyes*
You see some crazy stuff when you’re out late at night smearing raccoon blood on your neighbours windows.
My uncle was famous for being really quick with a shovel. You probably don’t know him though. He was only a miner celebrity.
My kid wants me to tell China that they should have camouflaged the balloon by painting it blue with clouds and stuff, and since she’s not wrong I’m wondering, do I write a letter or is there a phone number I can call
what other people think of me is none of my business. unless it’s bad, then i need to know everything
Guy who invented the spelling of bologna: shoplifting is a misdemeanor but murder is a felogna
Baby Lawyer: Did you steal the victim’s nose?
Accused: No. *cries into palms
Baby Judge: O, great, he’s disappeared again.
I know a bad idea when I see one.
I was shopping the Netherlands Amazon site and the shopping cart is called the “winklewagen” and now I can’t stop thinking about that.
People say I’m an idiot for using superglue instead of bonjela, but I’m sticking to my gums.
*posts “Glitter is my favorite color”*
*sits back to smirk while 347 strangers tell me glitter isn’t a color*
[creepy mansion]
ME: That portrait is watching us
MAN: No way
ME: [goes right up to portrait] I’m vegan
PORTRAIT: [rolls eyes]
ME: I knew it
If you don’t want to play with me I’ll just play with myself!
– Overheard in 2nd grade today… Me too kid, me too.
Not to brag, but having travelled extensively through India I could teach you all you need to know about living without toilet paper.
~ me, flirting.
Wife: “Was that lightning?!” Me: “No, they’re taking pictures for Google earth…”
What a beautiful crisp spring day. The birds are singing, the sun is shining and I’m seething with anger as I think about what someone said to me 25 years ago.
I mean, I had to pay a gym membership so technically they’re not really free weights.
HR says I’m not allowed to test the bungy rope I made out of rubber bands on the intern
Elevator sex is a logistical nightmare on many levels.
What I learned from Titanic was that u need to have sex as soon as possilble with the person u like cause u never know what might happen.
I hate birds as much as the next guy, but not enough to hold one prisoner in a cage at my home