baby proofing your house is easy, just lock your doors. There’s no way they could get in unless there were like hundreds of them or somthing
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My wife recently got into a minor car accident with my kids in the car. When I arrived at the scene to check on them, the policeman was super nice and gave my crying kids free ice cream coupons.
He then gave me an attitude when I asked for a coupon too.
Nobody will know you’re stoned if you’re always stoned
Don’t ask me! I’m 48 and still refer to it as a Choo-Choo Train.
Being distracted for the entirety of the Zoom call if your own hair happens to look particularly nice today.
I surprised a raccoon in my garage this morning, and now he’s telling his friends he made a human run into a wall.
My wife and I have agreed on a trial separation.
The kids aren’t to keen, but my wife and I just don’t want them anymore.
Happy birthday to rapper Pitbull who is 34 today, or 238 in dog years for all the other Pitbulls.
Editor: You wrote a play about Victorian England using menstrual blood as ink?
Me: Yes, it’s a period piece.
*sees neighbor put his garbage in our trash can*
ME: *goes to find hub* “You know what makes me mad?”
HUB: *points to self*
when i was 17 my car started to spin out on the freeway during a blizzard and the only thing that snapped me out of my terror enough to be able to regain control was the chilling revelation that I didn’t want 2 Phones by Kevin Gates to be the soundtrack to my death
Don’t drink water and stay hydrated it’s a hoax
What idiot called it a hot air balloon and not a sphere of heights
I turn to my freezer as I fill up an ice cube tray with water. “Hey, can you do me a solid?”
“Oh, you decided to close your bedroom door with me on the outside? Allow me to sing you the song of my people.”
-my cat
Me: I better make banana bread before all the bananas go bad
*walks into the kitchen to find the bananas wielding switch blades*
Me: h-how are you smoking??
How dare my wife accuse me of not helping her at home when I washed the dishes without her asking, just 6 months ago.
“Bring forth the sacrifice. The ritual must proceed.”
[speed dating session]
Me: I have a good job with benefits. I love movies and hiking. And I’m a cat person.
Her: I love that! *writes her number on a napkin and slides it across to me*
Me: *slowly pushes the napkin off the table*
Engineer: we’ve done it. We’ve created the most advanced robot known to man, even capable of feeling emotion
Boss: can he read slightly jumbled letters when trying to sign up to a website?
Engineer: obviously not
Very problematic
[at Super Bowl party]
Age 24: LET’S GET DRUNK
Age 34: LET’S PARTAAAAY, but only until 8pm because I work tomorrow
Age 44: EVERYONE BE QUIET THE COMMERCIALS ARE ON
All women are technically bodybuilders if they get pregnant
The concept of “raining men” is a terrible thought and I wouldn’t be surprised if it happened in 2020.
If I run my fingers through your hair, I’m not being romantic… I’m probably just trying to get chicken wing grease off my hands
Me: I love the 90s!
Grandparents: we have names
if aliens attack we will probably be fine unless they realize how easily we are influenced by traffic cones
Me, to teenage son: You just keep trying and trying until it eventually goes in
Wife, whispering to me: What the hell were you teaching him about
Me: USB sticks
Wife: Oh thank god
I just saw a sign that said “if you can plan for a wedding, you can plan for a natural disaster” and in my mind those two things are the same things
I just wish my ex-wife could look down from Heaven and see me
now.But no, she’s still alive.