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[Asking someone out]
Um…so do you want to come to my exorcism next week?
😂😂😂😁😁🤣🤣
[1st day as bank robber]
leader: i told you to put tape over their mouths
me: [still struggling to find end of the tape] just gimme a second
The emailer who threatened LA schools claims to be “a Muslim extremist.”
That’s like a student signing his report card “Timmy’s Dad.”
UNNATURAL ~>Homosexuality
NATURAL ~> Virgins giving birth, talking snakes, dead coming back to life, walking on water.
Confused yet?
Glad I spent all this money on Bath & Body Works body wash just to make my wash cloths smell nice
Until I became a parent I had never heard a human cry because they bumped their head on the roof of a blanket fort
I’m terrible at balloon animals but pretty decent with balloon amoeba
I can’t come into work. I opened a cursed sarcophagus and now I gotta put a pharaoh’s soul to rest. I DUNNO, TAD, I’LL PROBABLY BE IN MONDAY
When I eat rotisserie chicken, I like to pretend that I’m performing an autopsy.
I bet everyone had that one weird uncle who taught them how to do weird stuff like forage for berries or catch upstream salmon in their mouths and sleep for 6 months at a time just like my Uncle Bear
some lady dressed as catwoman is walking around our halloween party just knocking drinks off tables
I’m so hungry I could eat this piece of paper.
*adds salt to resume*
My girlfriend keeps asking me how I’m feeling once in a while like I’m fine are you slowly poisoning me?
*runs into a burning building to save the fire*
I would explain it to you but I’m all out of puppets and crayons.
My kid just yanked out a loose tooth and set it next to the flowers he got me, and is that…is that part of the gift
me: in or out
dog: yep
me: which one
dog: you bet
Me: Shhh. You have to keep it down or my husband will hear us.
*Me talking to a loud, crinkly sleeve of Girl Scout Cookies.
Cornhub…
For them dirty farmers.
Why learn a second language, when you don’t have anything interesting to say in your first one?
“Say ur a bad girl”
I’m a bad girl
“oooh yeah, and tell me what bad girls do…”
ooh i’m gonna sign up for 3 months of yoga and only go twice
This is hilarious….
Before the invention of the hose, firefighters had to put fires out with their fists.
me, realizes 5 is hiding behind the couch: what are you doing back there?
5: nothing…I don’t have scissors
Guess I’ve had too much caffeine…I thought this lady was a muppet.
I think I may have screwed up. When I saw on here how the ladies liked the dad bod I went and got 3.
Wife: I’m going to wine down
Me: You mean wind down
Wife: No
Today i started stalking guys. Not for any gay reason but it’s so much easier to do. Women always complain, guys don’t suspect a thing.