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I caught a glimpse of myself in the mirror this morning, so I guess once again my personality will be doing all the work today
My mom bought me a bottle of whiskey as a Xmas gift…
She seemed a little upset that I said she should’ve mailed it ahead of her visit.
I could never do polyamory not because of jealousy or anything I just don’t have it in me to keep track of more than one birthday
Everyone keeps returning to the same hypothetical. If loving you is wrong…
Bullshit.
What if loving you is gross? That’s the question.
My favorite Disney princess is Ariel. Gotta love a woman who can’t talk for half the movie.
[speed dating]
Her: Nice to meet you
Me [on meth]:
I HAVE MISUNDERSTOOD THE SITUATION
It was midnight. I was alone and online with a lot of available credit. I saw an ad for boots. The perfect storm began. I bought shoes, a bra, 11 pounds of tomato sauce, a life-size elephant inflatable, and two used cars.
NATE (naive): Want to share a pickle with me? Oh wait, I don’t have a knife.
ME (has seen Lady and the Tramp): Don’t even worry, pal.
“Never eat raw cookie dough” sounds like a lie made up a long time ago by some guy that sold ovens for a living.
I need real life DIY youtube videos. I want to see the guy start to explain then be like “oh shit I forgot this part” or “dammit I got the wrong thing!” And drive to Lowe’s 47 times. Don’t give me that 4 min video Dave. We all know it took you 13 hours.
[at restaurant]
Me: What’s under all that garnish?
Her: Nothing, it’s a salad.
[playing 7 minutes in heaven]
doctor: ok lol plug him back in now
my body: please…eat a vegetable
me: fine
my body: that’s not fried
The Duolingo owl and the Hooters owl are brothers. One chose the path of knowledge. The other, the path of jumbo bazoingas, short shorts and chicken wings. An unbridgeable schism. A tale as old as time.
Who is the highest ranking officer at the hospital?
General Anesthesia
We’re not supposed to bring snacks to meetings because they’re a distraction, but so far no one’s realized my mask is full of Doritos.
WISE MAN #1: I brought gold for the babe
WISE MAN #2: frankincense
WISE MAN #3: myrrh
ME: *pulls out Chili’s gift card* I hate you guys
PHYSICIST: There are infinite universes, more than you can imagine
ME: That means there exists a universe in which all my tweets are funny
PHYSICIST: Not that many
WORK FROM HOME TIPS:
Have a routine. Shower/dress like normal. Keep a dedicated workspace. Fill a briefcase with sausages & carry it at all times. Stick to usual work hours. NEVER let raccoons trick you into trusting them with the beefcase: they dont have your interests at heart
Was just talking with a friend who refuses to give her husband a blow job because it’s “dirty”.
Told her not to worry, someone else will.
Me: Almost time to sign about us All Hanging Signs.
Her: Um, you mean Auld Lang Syne?
Me: Well, this is embarrassing. I mean, you should learn the words if you’re going to sing it babe.
She: It’s not working between us
He: Why?
She: For starters, I can’t handle your silly jokes
He: Hmm, okay and for main course?
My dog stayed up late playing with the neighbor dog last night and then he slept till 11am and he won’t tell me a thing about her, is this what it’s like to parent a teenager?
damn he’s good
I overheard a dad at Starbucks tell a kid not to tell Mom he got a cake pop for breakfast, so I guess I’m part of their web of lies now too.
[ordering Indian food]
them: thank you for calling Chutneys, what would-
me: I’m white
them: say no more, where would you like your butter chicken and garlic naan delivered?
One of my girlfriend’s bras made it into the dryer.
It was nice knowing you guys.
Date: so where do you see yourself in ten years?
Me: (remembering women like commitment) living happily with a wife (remembering women like mystery) whose murder remains unsolved
*cocks shotgun*
Goodnight Moon