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[commercial for toilets]
°a man is walking around his house picking up turds°
There’s got to be a better way
Clown: *twisting balloon* any requests?
Me: how about a dog
Clown: one dog coming up
Stranger: THE GATES OF HELL HAVE OPENED! THE ARMIES OF THE DAMNED ARE UPON US!
Clown: *stops twisting*
Me: ok a sword I guess
[1917]
allied soldier: my god this world war 1 is horrible
another soldier: wait, why did u call it that- are we gonna do this AGAIN
a true american can survive on just corn syrup and debt
“I can’t believe putting bears in charge of the hospital administration system didn’t work out. They just kept eating all the patients!”
“Maybe we should let the bears choose the doctors?”
“And run the hospital cafeteria!”
“More bear involvement is obviously the answer!”
My resignation letter to HR will be delivered via glitter bomb
It’s only August and I’m already tired of watering my plants. Makes me wonder how my daughter has lasted 18 years.
Literally nothing makes me more angry than watching my kid yawn an hour after he dragged me out of bed at 5am.
I wish I had remembered this was a rectal thermometer before I’d put it in my mouth for 3 minutes.
imagine playing truth or dare and they dare you to go home
Let the sword wielding plants fight the Boston Dynamics murder robots.
My teenage niece and nephew refer to everything before the year 2000 as “the 1900’s” and, while technically correct, it still makes me want to slap them.
Thin eyeliner today.
*left one goes fatter
*right one goes fatter
*left one goes fatter
*right one goes fatter
*covers entire face.
LEGALIZE MEDICINAL MURDER
What is wrong with Riverdale that ARCHIE was the best option?
do not take my piercings out for my funeral or i WILL be back
[painting a picture of the last supper]
“Who’s that?”
“Darth Vader.”
“Was he 1 of Jesus disciples?”
“I dunno, I’ve only seen the 1st movie.”
My knight in shining armor comes in liquid form.
*Salt-Free Chocolate Covered Potato Chips*
My Wife… The Bargain Hunter
A lot of people look at Russian roulette as a negative game, but statistically it’s actually one of the only games you can’t lose twice
Friend: my wife & I had our son very young
Me: so did we, he was just a baby
Booked a non-refundable train ticket, sadly had to cancel the trip. Accepted I would lose the train fare. As luck would have it the train I was due to travel on got cancelled. So applied for a refund even though I’d no intention of travelling. It’s the small wins.
*pokes forehead*
Is this thing on ?
My 4yo asked if the tooth fairy pulls your teeth out in your sleep, and I deserve an award for taking the mature not-funny path of telling her “no”.
“Hi, how much for a slice of pizza?”
A slice is $2.50, and second slice only $1.
“I’d like 3 second slices please”
Gravity is just the earth being really clingy
I won’t get excited until Twitter adds a button that lets me correct mistakes in other people’s tweets.
gym bro: “dude are you using disney+ to watch rapunzel’s tangled adventure in between sets?”
me:
What do you call a reluctant potato?
A hesitater.
LIFE HACK: don’t give your children weird names
ME: stop complaining, when i named you Life Hack it was on a dare and i won