You Might Also Like
I’ve dated a vegetarian, trust me, they put meat in their mouth.
“Hold on lemme just hotbox these bugs so I can steal and eat their goo.” -beekeepers everywhere
Lady: he’s so mysterious
Lady2: I wonder what he’s thinking
[Me, just wondering how easy it’d be to convert a nerf gun to fire meatballs]
It’s my patriotic duty to eat bbq and wave sparklers this weekend. Don’t wreck it with words like “calorie count” and “hair on fire”.
The guy who invented doors must have been a big hero to the thousands of people standing around outside their homes.
“I was being bad last year and I STILL got presents from Santa Claus.”
-My 4yo completely embracing the Dark Side
There’s a couple breaking up so loudly on the sidewalk in front of my house! He said WHO ARE YOU GONNA TAKE TO YOUR SISTER’S WEDDING NEXT WEEKEND? She said MOZZARELLA STICKS! Which is a valid and devastating blow.
“sixth cousins three times removed” is not related. i’m probably sixth cousins three times removed with a martian.
can’t stop thinking about pink camo as a concept. the lore of where you’d need pink camo to survive the wilderness under cover. I want to go to there.
Things that won’t save you:
– Love
– Art
– Books
– Philosophy
– PoetryThings that will:
– Watching a seagull pretend like they’re innocently walking past someone at the beach but at the last second they steal their sandwich and fly away and the person chases after them yelling.
me: [jumping out of a cake]
skydiving instructor: really not necessary for the experience
mosquitos out here really acting like it’s ok to go person to person without using a rubber
before u buy those shoes online ask yourself if u really want 2 new emails a day for the rest of ur life
Just watched The Hobbit: The Battle to Stay Awake for What Felt Like Five Hours.
Life can only give you lemons if you answer the door.
Who said “do something each day that scares you?” I need them to explain to my wife how I got a shark pregnant
[me going to literally any sporting event] i better wear my sneakers in case they need another player
Crying friend: Have you ever had a really bad day?
Me: [picking dog hair out of my oatmeal] Can you be more specific?
“Sucks to suck!” My 3 yr old yelled as she ran away from me in a busy store. You see, I don’t simply have bullies, I make them.
I can’t find my ceremonial porcupine.
using AI to expand this shot in Fast & Furious 6 and achieve the filmmakers true vision 😌🙏
The bad news: climate change threatens 1 in every 4 species with extinction.
The good news: you’re one of them.
According to this box of spaghetti I am an Italian family of 8
The most important thing I learned from working at the bank is which lollipop flavor tastes the best.
8: Can we have peanut butter sandwiches?
Me: No peanut butter allowed in the house. Daddy is allergic to peanuts
8: Can we buy some after he dies?
Me: Sure
Before kids:
[Watching nature documentary]How do some animals just abandon their young like that??
After kids:
[Watching nature documentary][Takes notes]
[planning heist]
Me: then we access the vault
Guy: I don’t think they have a vault
Me [mocking]: yeah I bet they jus leave the Mcflurrys out
a segment like “celebrities read mean tweets” but instead it’s professors reading course evaluations written by students who failed their class
I hate when you’re talking to a woman at a bar and some guy comes up and says “Is this guy bothering you?”
It’s even worse when your wife says, “He really is.”