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The seven year old I work for just informed me my haircut makes my hips look wider, so I have that going for me.
My daughter, a hair stylist, has a tiny pair of scissors tattooed behind her ear with tiny red teardrops for clients she accidently stabbed.
Soft pretzels come one of two ways:
– no salt
– enough salt for ten miles of roadway before a snowstorm
The subtext of Moby Dick, The Rime of the Ancient Mariner, and most of Conrad is that you should never make eye contact with a retired sailor because he’s just waiting to tell you some interminable story about his time at sea.
Wow, pretty rude for people to exist that are younger & hotter than me but OK
I got drunk with my dad once and I asked him if his boner curved to the left too, he replied “No, you got that from your mother”. 🙁
Somebody called me a free spirit today and my heart leapt as I turned back to my paperwork.
Me: Stay back, I have garlic!
Count of Monte Cristo:
“What do you see in him?”
– me to the x-ray tech imaging my kid
I had no idea so much of my married life was going to be spent listening to my husband complain about the price of gas, yet here we are.
A girl on Facebook says it’s officially too cold to go outside. Thank you for your official confirmation, Madison, I will remain indoors.
“You have nice eyes”
– boring
– unoriginal
– she’s probably heard it a million times“Jeepers, creepers, where’d ya get those peepers?”
– musical
– invites a dialogue
– reminiscent of a better time, before World War II
– could yield info on where to acquire good peepers
Leaning over with an open bag of skittles in your shirt pocket: a tragedy in one act
Not only was my brother not mad when I backed into his Porsche, he even invited me camping and said to bring a shovel. Whew!
The new Call of Duty physics got us distracted… 😅
god: [creating sharks] make them apex predators of the ocean
angel: sounds fearsome
god: ya but if you punch them in the face they just immediately leave
the duality of man
*seductively tries to take off sock with his other foot*
Boy, there sure are a lot of lonely people on twitter, which is weird because we’re all so pleasant
Genuinely thought they were scouring sponges
my husband pointed out that i “do a little shoulder dance” when i’m eating a good meal, and with a growing sense of horror, i consider the many amazing meals i’ve eaten with colleagues and bosses…
[at doctor’s office]
Nurse: You may get undressed now.
Me: [rips off tear away pants]
Nurse: Most people wait until I’m out of the room but okay.
SWAT: give up the hostages
RICK ASTLEY[holding a gun to my head]: you know I can’t do that
Ok, but like, how married are you?
One day you’re young and carefree, the next somebody refers to a movie set in the 80s as a period piece.
Me, dry heaving and wheezing: Everest was a mistake! I’m going to die alone on this godless wasteland
The Sherpa: Miss? We are still in the parking lot
Sometimes when my boyfriend and I aren’t speaking, we have the dog deliver notes to each other
I just got a message from the dog asking where the good mustard is
Quick question guys. Why is my therapist putting on boxing gloves?
Gave myself a steam facial* today
*opened a bag of freshly popped popcorn too close to my face
….and you will know me by the trail of roaches l leave behind.