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Reality called, I hung up. Not today Satan
I am waiting for the day we have a national scandal involving a gate
[trying out my magic tricks for the first time]
*sawing person in half*
Funeral director: *wrestling me away from casket*
Sorry I’m late, there was traffic and I lied about when I left.
You: I’m so hard on myself.
People on the internet: Hold my beer.
Not my sister’s dog looking like a 13yo girl who just got grounded for texting during class
My boyfriend tried to make me have sex on the hood of his Honda Civic. I refused. If I’m going to have sex, it’s going to be on my own Accord.
When hipsters replaced hippies, we lost free love and drugs and got skinny jeans. Worst. Trade. Ever.
My niece is pregnant and the fetus already has business cards as a freelance media consultant.
grampa: no controversial topics this Christmas—
me: it’s not controversial
grampa: don’t start
me: Santa is more powerful than the X-Men
grampa: Phoenix would DESTROY San—
me: SPEED, OMNISCIENCE, FLIGHT—
grampa: HE CAN’T FLY IF SHE WIPES REINDEER FROM EXISTENCE!
Don’t cry because it’s over, smile because you were able to steal 12 of his hoodies.
The prophecy is fulfilled
[tracker kneels and examines spoor]
– A herd of idiots has passed this way but an hour ago.
– How can you tell?
– Look. Fresh nincompoop.
#Thanos #MondayMood
“What do you mean ‘stuffed'”?
If I pick up two cinder blocks and walk into the cold, cold Atlantic while we are talking please don’t take it personally
Cheap 1st Date Ideas: Get some matching Red Polo shirts & hang out in a Target. Give terrible info to inquisitive costumers.
Give me one reason why I shouldn’t pass this math class
“You held up 2 fingers just now”
Ok then give me that many reasons
HER: I’ve missed you so badly.
ME: *pulls hatchet from wall* thank god!
Guys will say literally anything to get laid like “you’re beautiful” or “you can have my last donut”, shit like that
*a caveman walking along a trail sees another set of footprints. he stops & shakes his head*
the traffic has gotten so bad here.
*eats nothing but junk food for 3 weeks straight*
OMG is bellyache a symptom?!
T NOW! what do we want? MORE TIME-TRAVEL JOKES! when do we want them? RIGH
A guy tried to flirt with me so I gestured to my wedding ring, but I’d forgotten to wear it so he thought I wanted him to propose. It turned out that worked even better at getting rid of him.
*does the Dirty Dancing lift with a slab of ribs*
“are they real” i mean yeah they’re right there
is it too early for christmas memes
If you watch the Mighty Ducks backwards it’s about a hockey team that starts sucking so bad that the coach leaves and becomes an alcoholic.
*drops a couple pew-pews from my finger guns into the offering basket at church*