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mugger: YOUR MONEY OR YOUR LIFE
me: My best friend will protect me
mugger: Haha, right-
[my dog appears spinning dual nunchucks]
If I was Snow White you wouldn’t get me with an apple. You’d have to poison a taco or something
My dead husband has to report for jury duty. He just can’t catch a break.
The best part of working retail is when a customer insists you “check in the back”
Our inventory system is pretty rock solid, Susan, but sure, I could use a 5 minute break pretending to look
Do you think if I slip this Dr. an extra $100, I’ll get the “good” prostate exam?
I take offense when people don’t invite me to events l’d like to turn down.
Every Independence Day I get a little bit disappointed when aliens don’t try to take over the world.
Say it with flowers.
If that doesn’t work, say it with arson.
Customer: did you know that when octopuses get mad they throw things at one another?
Me, slowly suspecting my ex might have been an octopus: you don’t say…
Hey girl are you the supply chain? Because despite extensive explanations I do not understand what is wrong with you
*Goes to the gym. Takes a selfie in front of the weights. Leaves.
Apparently, when you supply HR with a urine sample, it has to be because they requested it.
When skinny girls say “I’m so fat” to fish for a compliment from me, I just agree.
Saint Peter: Name
M: David
SP: You’re in
M: Even after that night in Nogales?!
SP *winks*
*takes a step*
*trap door opens*
SP: Sucka!
[guy running at me with a machete]
wonder what this fella wants
I’m always there for my friends when I need them.
[at Home Depot]
Me: hey, I need some gardening gloves, a tarp, a shovel, and some lye
Clerk: haha, you kill somebody?
Me: our dog died
Clerk: oh God, I’m so sorry…
Me: haha, just kidding. I killed somebody
Every time you see a snake’s shedded skin, it means it got bigger. Same with me and the 4 empty Oreo packages you find in my trash.
According to autocorrect, my favorite Star Wars character is Bob’s Feet.
If you come to my house and see a coffee cup upside down on the floor, just be my hero and put the spider outside please.
*hypnotists breaking up*
four years Greg. FOUR fucking years and not ONCE have I been feeling very sleepy
A drone, but for seeing which fast food drive-thrus have the shortest line
It’s always “you’re so cute when you’re mad,” until the house is on fire.
my date is in 2 hours, which means I have very little time to fix my glasses and fix my bangs and get a career and lose 50 pounds
Starbucks, where 11 members of staff frantically do things behind the counter, yet not one of these things appears to resemble a hot drink
judge: your click bait articles have been deemed fraudulent. How do you plead?
me: I’m innocent and you won’t believe why! click here
Penn and Teller is my favourite double act that sounds like 2 things you find in a bank
Why is it called gluten intolerance and not “going against the grain”?
“I think it might be time to cut back on the energy drinks, Elliott.”
“Eat her already!” – Animal watching people kissing