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It’s been a horrible day. This morning my ex got ran over by a fed ex truck. Then I lost my job at fed ex.
I remember the first time I saw a universal remote control. I thought to myself, “Wow this changes everything.”
The orthodontist says I’m doing a “super job” wearing my retainers. All this really means is that I’m able to put things in my mouth.
I’m pleased to announce that I will continue using the word Kafkaesque to describe things, and I am proud of my commitment to never learn what it means.
My reading glasses would look good on your nightstand.
-Me, flirting.
Marriage is between two people: one person who is on the verge of sleep and one person who is asking if the front door is locked.
i’m at the potluck telling everyone i saw a house centipede crawl into cheryl’s artichoke dip bc i overheard her call my pumpkin pie puff pastry pockets ‘mid’
TEEN 1: Church is so boring.
TEEN 2: It’s so out of touch.
THE YOUNG POPE approaches pulpit: “Some…BODY once told me–”
TEENS: HOLY SHIT
Having a tan is attractive. Having skin sponsored by Doritos isn’t.
Once I surprised my husband with a murder mystery weekend, and not to brag, but it only took him an hour to get drunk and accuse everyone at our table of being the murderer.
Wife’s outta her goddamn mind if she thinks I won’t purposely fall off this ladder to prove we should’ve hired someone to wash the windows.
Whenever I hear “let me tell you the truth”, I secretly cross my fingers, hoping they say “brownies are healthy, eat as many as you want.”
“loud noises scare horses”
[wife now whispering] get it out of the basement
cop: sir it looks as if you were the victim of organ theft
me (in an icy bath): oh no…she took my yamaha?
cop:
*i finally get a girl over*
*dad rolls out from under my bed*
YO SON WHATA YA CALL A PIG WHO DOES KARATE?
“dad no”
A PORK CHOP
once I posted “it’s funny how ‘the Hague’ is like the only city that randomly decided to give itself a definite article” and everyone was like “don’t you live in Los Angeles”
I sprayed FeBreeze on the recliner and now my dog won’t talk to me.
It was cool when I taught my kid at 2yo to whisper, “your soul is mine” back to us.
It was cooler when she started whispering it to anyone she was introduced to.
I was pretty happy getting a lot of honks for my “Honk, if you love Jesus” bumper sticker but I can’t help wondering if it’s because of that red light I sat through three times now.
I hope the mysterious food thief at the office enjoys the dog food marinara and Jello with my toenail clippings I made for him/her.
I can only assume that when realtors list a “modest home,” that means it is a house that has never once worn leggings or yoga pants
Remember, your toilet is just afraid of you as you are of it.
I’d change my name to laundry if it meant you’d think about doing me every day.
An eye for an eye, a tooth for a tooth. But a tooth is worth half an eye, so an eye for two teeth also works, if you’re out of eyes.
I’ve already had 3 people ask if I have enough wine to last me through the hurricane. Beginning to think I may have a reputation.
I’m so glad the internet is like this now.
accidentally clicking the spam button on someone you email regularly but being too lazy to undo it and seeing how it plays out
what sorcery is this, the iron wasnt workin, so I took it apart put it together again got left with extra parts and screws but its working??
I love the idea of a fruitarian, just morally affronted that anyone could eat a baby spinach.