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The phrase “don’t take this the wrong way” has zero % success rate
Finally all the people in the White House are being polite. They are all running around saying “pardon me.”
Throw me to the wolves and they’ll come back with cute names, little sweaters & an affinity for baby talk.
When my daughter was six I picked her up from kindergarten. It was overcast and drizzling. She pointed up to the sky and said “that’s where the sun would be if we had one” and I was like OK settle down, Finding Emo
My dogs would be happier if I spent more time walking them and less time folding their ears inside out.
Hate freeloaders who join in the New Year’s Eve countdown for the last 10 seconds. I’ve been doing this all year. Where were you back in May
Inventor of the Ouija Board: I have created the most evil family game ever
Inventor of Monopoly: oh, child
It’s password awareness Friday.
Today I offer free consulting.
Send me a password and I tell you if it’s strong.
Promises so empty, you thought it was your bank account
C’mere baby, let me help you break that resolution.
It could have been love, but then I caught her putting a perfectly good steak in an air fryer.
Dads on here: my kid is such an amazing person. I love them. Moms on here: let me tell you what this little shit stain did today.
I need a hobby so I think I’m
gonna start calling the phone numbers on missing cat posters and just “meow” at whoever answers
I just learned that at the Vienna airport there’s a counter specifically for people who arrived in Austria instead of Australia as they intended but apparently didn’t try hard enough
I hate when my boyfriend’s snoring wakes me up and then I realize it was my snoring and I don’t have a boyfriend and I’m going to die alone.
GF: Can I have some almonds?
Me: Sure I’m done with them.
GF: These are good!
Me: They were better when the chocolate was on them.
5yo: Dad, if you make me take a bath I will scream and yell and cry, and then you will have to give me a consequence. You don’t want me to have a consequence do you?
How scared do I need to be for this kid’s teenage years
My yoga instructor says I need to work on my breathing.
But I mean, 41 years, still alive. I kinda got it.
Amazon Prime: Free 2-Day shipping
Amazon Subprime: Loads package into trebuchet and shoots it in the general direction of your house
Amazon PrimePrime: Lets you live in the warehouse
Had day surgery – came out with about fifteen less followers than when I went in with.
So apparently I’m offensive even when unconscious.
If someone wants to spend time with you, they’ll let you know. Get rid of those people
Friend: hey man can you recommend a good book to prepare us for having a toddler?
Me: yeah try the Strange Case of Dr Jekyll and Mr Hyde.
In India, Twitter crush is choosen by your parents.
Best part about marriage?
NO MORE CONDOMS!!!
Worst part about marriage?
No more sex.
Overheard 10 plan her b-day party with her BFF, including renting several hotel rooms for a mega sleepover.
Somebody tell her, I can’t.
OK, guy with the two kayaks and two bikes strapped to his Subaru Outback: settle down. Save some outdoors for the rest of us.
Two hundred dollars for a women’s blazer?? Am I paying it to do the work for me??
me: the best things in life are free!
lawyer: again, I don’t think the bank you robbed sees it that way
There is no “I” in the word “team,” but I don’t think that means anything about team work. That’s just how it’s spelled.
*Sneezes*
Dating: Bless you
Engaged: You’re adorable
Married: We need to talk