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You think if I tell my dad “30 is the new 20” he’ll start paying all my bills for me again like he did 10 years ago?
Sitting on airplane…. I sanitize our tray tables, seat cushions, seatbelts, and seatback pockets. My child then licks the window.
MORPHEUS: choose the red pill or the blue pill
NEO: which one turns into the coolest dinosaur
I hope that boomerang I threw in 2009 is happy out there somewhere, maybe in a relationship with little boomerangs that don’t listen either.
Kind of rude when I get home from vacation and my plants look better than when I left
This should not be this funny I am sorry😭😭😭
I hope I don’t die of something stupid like old age, I want a piano to fall on my head.
Go suck an egg. Lick a mango. Breathe on an avocado. Make everyone at the grocery store uncomfortable.
I’m 14 shows into the 1st season of ‘Lost’ & there are SO many mysteries.
I sure hope someone finds out where Sawyer plugs in his flat iron
I love Buzzfeed because all the headlines are something a drunk girl would say right before passing out. “Um did you know corgis can wink??”
I disabled the reminder beep on my microwave months ago, because what kind of idiot forgets food. Tonight I found my would’ve been breakfast burrito in the microwave. So…yeah.
Me: Unhand me you scoundrel!
Masseuse: Please stop saying that
Angel: Whatcha makin?
God: I call them peanuts. A tasty treat in a protective shell. They’re not really a fruit or vegetable. Most people will love to eat them.
Angel: That sounds innovative-
God: Others will eat them and die
Angel: …is this a prank?
Meets girl at bar.
Takes her to Ikea.Quickly learns the difference between one-night stand and one nightstand.
“I’d love to go to the moon” I said “but on a full moon day of course, no point going all that way when only half of it’s there”
[ first day working at a pet store ]
customer: can i see that fish bowl?
me: sure let me get his shoes
I’m concerned that the Mars Perseverance rover is stealing jobs from space cowboys
In honor of Mother’s Day here’s my favorite text my mom has ever sent me
Have manufacturers of picket fences ever gone on strike? Because the irony would be awesome.
Take your time, I’ll wait.
We need to make art so weird that when the tech companies try using it to train AI, the AI goes “listen I don’t know what this is and I’m scared”.
My son: When my friends are over, you’re mom. When it’s just me at home, you’re mommy.
My son, 30 seconds later: Mommy, why are you crying?
*visiting Egypt*
“What the hell, they walk like everybody else!”
I just bedazzled my twitter handle on a jean jacket in case anybody wants to beat me up in person.
*cold day in hell
Satan: Dammit! Did some band get back together?
Blues songs are about being sad, which is why so many of them begin with “I woke up this morning.”
Two companies that hate each other? Probably KIA and …Nokia
Never ever did it occur to me that in my forties, and as a mother of teens, that I’d be spending my time scolding my parents for leaving the house without my permission.
nobody needs to go to school for code. if your code doesnt work just keep putting } at the end until it works
What’s the best way to dispose of a dead body? Was asking for a friend, but he was being a whiny shit about it, so now I’m asking for me.
Priest: and do you, Lil’ Jon, take this woman to be your lawfully wedded wife?
Lil’ Jon: WHAT
Priest: you say “I do”
Lil’ Jon: OKAY
Priest: I do
Lil’ Jon: OKAY
Priest: I DO
Lil’ Jon: YEAH!