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*writes in climate’s year book “Best of luck. Don’t ever change!”*
If I ever went to jail for murder it would be for murdering my printer.
Just walking down the “Gluten Free” aisle, secretly dropping boxes of Twinkies in everyone’s carts.
After speaking with the psychiatrist, I’ve learned that “hungry” is in fact NOT an emotion. So I’m in the market for a new psychiatrist.
Ok guys, very important meeting at the Waldorf Astoria Shovel Palace. Bring your own shovel!
If I could make water into wine, I’d probably stumble out of a cave 3 days later too.
I forgot to buy sacrificial goats for the eclipse on Monday (stupid!!) but then I remembered I can just log into this app and find an unlimited supply of virgins.
Home improvement paradox: every time you paint the inside of your house it gets a tiny bit smaller but every time you paint the outside of your house it gets a tiny bit larger
They should have a surrealist SAT, with questions like:
A train departs the South Pole at sunflower AM while a submarine swallows a cormorant’s wings. Where will they meet?
Not enough arguments are settled with a dance off.
*first day as a cloning scientist
*first day as a cloning scientist
*first day as a cloning scientist
*first day as a cloning scientist
*first day as a cloning scientist
The gorilla and I maintain eye contact, separated by only an inch of glass.
He scratches his head… I scratch mine.
He touches his chest… I touch mine.
He shits in his hand… my wife drags me away.
Even Benjamin Button would feel old by the time 2020 finally ends.
What if instead of yelling out “Oh God” during sex you yelled “Okie Dokie!”
I have two dogs. One named Rolex and one named Timex.
They’re watchdogs.
My parents were great parents. They’ve always treated me and my brother, Douchenozzle McDisappointment, the exact same.
If you see me at the bottom of a lake, mind your business. I’m relaxing.
“LMAO WHO DID THIS” — me as a homicide detective
I never feel greater anxiety than the anxiety I feel when I watch people leaving a Marvel movie during the credits.
A geneticist’s refrigerator has a CRISPR drawer
My fashion decisions have gone from “Is it cute?” to “Is it comfy?” to “Did anybody see me wear this yesterday?”
” Let me be perfectly clear” – My Aquarium
Captain: relax, it’s just a title
Second Mate: WHAT DOES HE MEAN TO YOU
[ undercover stake out ]
me, adjusting fake mustache: all clear, how bout you
donut wrapped in lettuce: *vegetable noises*
A moment of silence please. Not for anyone in particular, everyone just shut up.
“I shaved for this shit?” – All of us at one point in our lives.
Tarantino’s Star Trek is 100% going to feature a planet where white people have to say the N-word to survive
[making money] Ugh this is boring and awful. But at least spending it will be nice!
[spending money] Ah no this feels bad also
Bad news world, my biker gang ‘The Sons Of Panicky’ are finally back out on the streets and oh my god the traffic is SO heavy, maybe we should go back and try again tomorrow
I just heard my roommate mixing some beats except I don’t have a roommate and it was my cat throwing up.