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Nothing in my college degree prepared me for having the cat supervise me while I clean out the litter box.
This morning my neighbor put a note in my letterbox telling me off for honking my horn to say goodbye to my kids at 9am yesterday
This evening, I’m learning to play the drums
NAZI: Some of us Nazis got hurt too
ME: Thoughts and bears
NAZI: Don’t you mean “thoughts and pra–
ME *releasing grizzly bear*: Nope
No one is more unnecessarily confident than a white person that just ordered Mexican food in a Spanish accent.
Any animal that has a face CAN SPEAK. They’re just being stubborn.
one time i was taking a cpr training class and someone did cpr so hard on the manikin that the head popped off and then she went to lunch and never came back
This is the huge spider that I killed inside my shirt by slapping my side while driving my kid to school. So, yea, I’d call it a win win.
Maybe the Earth really is flat and we’re just on one of God’s refrigerator magnets.
Some girls look like they’ve barely broken a sweat after hot yoga while I look like a tomato that’s been doused by a fire hose.
Personal news: After years of flawless service, the Tooth Fairy hit a rough patch this week.
You say tired, I say challenge.
-A toddler at bedtime.
The best part of vacation with your extended family is talking shit about them on the trip home.
Big Sex has us all fooled
I think we should elect Bernie. When Isis hears a Jew is president they will all have heart attacks and die.
When your diet is finally over.
Lmao I love the recipe blogger parents who are like “I’m just like you! I hardly
Have time on weeknights! Here is a little ditty I make when we are SUPER busy running between activities” and it starts out “first, spatchcock a whole chicken.”
My hometown ranked 4th for the worst cities for hot dog lovers. I don’t know how I’m supposed to feel about that.
Y’all say redheads eat souls like it’s a bad thing, but I’m telling you, this diet is really going to pay off come swimsuit season.
“They say time is linear but it repeats itself. For example, I just got dumped again. Same girl. Were stuck on a loop, and when-”
*the man grating parmesan stops*
“No, that wasn’t a ‘when’ for you, keep going.”
It’s like my grandpa always said: make all your decisions based on the outcome of social media polls.
she wears short skirts, I’m googling the symptoms of gout. she’s cheer captain, and I have gout
Leo: They say the best revenge is living well, when in fact the best revenge is living IN a well and poisoning your enemy’s water supply with your foul presence.
Wow, my kids are decorating the heck out of this small lower left section of our Christmas tree.
i feel like if the avengers were real we’d really really hate them
Everyone knows you don’t need a wood chipper, if you have pigs.
I’ve never played Jenga, but I have had to extricate myself from a sleeping toddler in my bed, so I think I could handle it.
Nothing is hungrier than a Roomba that sees a charger cord.
I’m not saying your perfume is too strong. I’m just saying the canary was alive before you got here.
My sexual fantasy is that I’m a pizza boy, and I deliver pizza to sorority girls and they can’t pay for it, so my boss lets me take all that pizza home for free
Perks of being an adult: I can eat 8 cookies, no one can stop me.
Cons of being an adult: I ate 8 cookies, no one stopped me, I feel awful.