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I found an extra $9 in the bank! Get dressed baby we’re going to Little Caeser’s!
Her: do we have an LED lightbulb
Me: you don’t have to spell it the kids are asleep
My new dishwasher takes over two hours to run a full cycle and I don’t know what garbage this is because even my kid can wash dishes faster than that.
Joseph Campbell: Follow your bliss.
Marie Kondo: Spark joy every day.
My doctor: Everything you love is bad for you.
Me:
Active voice: “I love your article”
Passive voice: “Your article is loved”
Passive-aggressive voice: “I love the potential this article had”
Me: You really can’t describe the thrill of the hunt until you’re in the thick of it. Exhilarating!
Cashier: Sir, those items are always buy one, get one free all year.
to revive an exhausted bee, leave out a little bit of sugar mixed with water
to revive an exhausted wasp, give it a cigarette and ask it if it really believes that god can kill it
Boss: can I get an update
Me: glitches out and fails to install
How to make your house look like a trash can in one easy step:
1. Hand 3yo a muffin on your way to the bathroom.
I know this now.
Wouldn’t it be WAY weirder if Taylor Swift DIDN’T get all excited at her boyfriend’s games? Like, what if she just sat there, stone-faced?
“This sausage tastes funny.”
“Funny how? Like it’s made from a clown? Because it’s not. It’s absolutely not clown sausage.”
I bet the guy who invented pants wasn’t even wearing any pants when he invented them.
Male response to “How’s it going” severity scale
Pretty good – Not good
Can’t complain – Rough couple of weeks
It’s going – Alcohol and cigarettes are keeping him going
Just another day in paradise – Hates his job, wife and life
Things couldn’t be better – Going to park on the train tracks
[First day of class at law school]
*raises hand*
Hi, yes. When do we get our white, curly wigs?
me: [being beaten w/ nightstick] are u a virgo
cop: GET ON THE GROUND
me: that’s such a virgo thing to say
Canada has Nova Scotia but won’t tell us what happened to Scotia. What are they hiding?
[framing store]
SALESPERSON: how can I help you
ME: make it look like my wife did a murder
My dentist said I need to cut back on blows to the face
I get so annoyed when horror movies begin with the family moving to a new house, and the parents say “This place will be good for us. We will finally be happy here.”
But you already know they’re not going to be happy, because the movie is called “The Ghost That Ate Grandma”.
toddler *begs me to take him to get ice cream*
me: Ok
[standing in line]
me: Do you know what do you want?
toddler: Chicken nuggets
i just got paid $40 for a 9 second video of me brushing my teeth. i will never do anything for free again.
Cigarettes are a lot like hamsters. Perfectly harmless until you put one in your mouth and light it on fire.
Three ways to tell if you’re dating an Octopus:
1. They give awesome hugs
2. They have no skeleton
3. Every date is at the aquarium
If a picture is worth a thousand words then why does everyone only buy Playboy magazine for the articles?
6 year old: I ate all my lunch today!!
The evidence to the contrary:
“Go ahead caller”
Why radio DJ’s should never work a suicide hotline…
(6yo student hugging me first thing in the morning, head against my jacket)
Me: You were absent yesterday. Were you sick?
6yo: No, I had lice.
At least we know scientists somewhere are finding a way to make humans sweat hallucinogens like those toads, so there will finally be a perk to all this stress about climate change and we all have a happier apocalypse.
Why do they ask your job on gameshows? It’s the least interesting thing about you. Ask people their favourite dinosaur.
Million dollar idea: Selling shower heads at the exit of a Ryan Gosling movie