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STOP ACTING LIKE THIS GROCERY STORE GIFT CARD ISN’T ROMANTIC. WHO DOESN’T LIKE FOOD?
If I ever go missing and theres a big search party out looking for me, you can save time by not looking at any gyms.
[gym]
ME: hey can you spot me
HIM: yeah
ME: *hiding under the bench* how about now
I’m like the reverse Goldilocks. I’d lay on a bed of nails and be like, “No, no, this is fine.”
You get: 1 hour of extra sleep
You lose: the will to live after the sunsets at 4pm
not enough men these days put fish in their mouth and pull out the entire skeleton in tact
[Bruce Wayne enters Gotham Orphanage]
I’ll take your finest orphan.
“Sir, we can’t just give-”
Here’s $50mil.
“Do you like boy acrobats?”
waiter: are there any allergies at the table?
me (already drunk): BEES
Happy April 31st from me & my Dollar Store calendar
*Reads about a Salmonella outbreak on lettuce
-NEVER eats Salad again!
*Reads about the dangers of Alcohol poisoning
-NEVER reads again!
People who marry themselves are so silly, like you already live together
Do you have anything the size of an eyepatch on the left & a cantaloupe on the right?
– Me, bra shopping
I’m only going to have two glasses of wine tonight
~ refills 32 oz tumbler
*leaves social media, covers webcam with tape, installs encryption software, resets passwords, dons tinfoil hat*
Try and spy on me now!
*ad for Reynolds Wrap pops up in my browser*
SON OF A
It’s so unfair how the houses on HGTV get remodeled in 30-60 minutes, but my house is taking 2-3 months.
If one door closes & another door opens, you’re probably in prison.
how come you never see animal cruelty people protesting turtlenecks?
I walk around my yard with a fake neck tattoo so my neighbors will not ask me to watch their kids.
I love carbs so much, I’d let them look through my phone.
CAT 911: What’s your emer-
CAT: THE PERSON PET ME
CAT 911: What were you doing?
CAT: SLEEPING
CAT 911: I HATE PEOPLE
CAT: I HATE PEOPLE
Pretty disappointed that the phrase “if looks could kill” is figurative
THE WEEKND: I can’t feel my face when I’m with you
DENTIST (injecting novocaine): that’s kinda the point dude
Hey, I may not look like much right now, but believe me, in the morning I’ll look even worse.
“Follow your heart,” as advice, is sort of like “abandon yourself to cognitive bias.”
If you want to get someone out of your office, just pull two tampons out of your purse and start air drumming.
I’ve never done a tweet call. But today is my 33rd birthday and I hit 600 followers yesterday after being on this website for 9 years. But I actually enjoy Twitter these days and would love nothing more for my birthday than your funniest tweets. No theme. Just funny. Cheers!
[enters house after leaving the kids home with my husband]
12: No, you shut up!
14: NO! YOU SHUT UP!
Me: *locks eyes with my husband and backs out of house slowly*
My 9 yo talked us into buying him a tracksuit this year. He looks like he’s well on his way to coaching an Olympic skier or arguing over the price of grapes at the supermarket
In my late forties, I now find myself with gray hair, a delightful assortment of aches and pains, and surprisingly strong opinions on decorative throw pillows.