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Studies show women find food emotionally comforting.
Please send chickpeas.
I like my salad like my poker opponents – obscured from view by a massive f****** pile of my chips.
I’ve just completed a cohort study that confirms people can go longer without sex if they have an adequate supply of chocolate and peanut butter
I call it my Reese’s Thesis
[first date]
HIM: Can I call you sometime?
HER: [slowly slides napkin over phone] You can’t… I lost my phone
I like my women like I like my moon: hidden behind a dark mist and worshipped by wolves
Last minute Christmas shopping at Costco in the 10 TVs or less line.
[dressed like Slave Leia]
Them: Haha ready for Halloween?
Me: Halloween?
It sucks you can’t google something happening in your life. What does my neighbor Derek do for work
Sometimes 6 is smart like her mom and other times she gets her head stuck in the footboard of her bed when she’s supposed to be sleeping.
Found out my sіster ate my leftovers whіle І was at work, now І’m starіng out the wіndow lіke І’m іn a sad early 2000’s musіc vіdeo.
So anyway, my mom and all her opinions are visiting this weekend
*jumps out of plane*
*begins reading parachute instruction manual*
STEP 1: PUT ON PARACHUTE
*looks up*
Well hell
My kids can be so quiet, comatose almost. Until I am on a phone call.
Shania Twain marrying her best friend’s ex husband after her husband and best friend had an affair is some count of monte cristo level shit
BOSS: This is my second wife.
ME: Concurrent or consecutive?
Me: “I think it’s time for a change. Should I paint the bathroom?”
5yo: “Yes!”
Me: “What colors?”
5yo: “The same!”
Nothing says rock bottom quite like having your head in the oven for 45 minutes before you realize you forgot to pay the gas bill
I prefer doing arithmetic naked. Means I can count to 21.
︎ ︎︎ ︎ ︎ ︎︎︎ ︎︎ ︎ ︎ ︎︎︎ ︎︎ ︎ ︎ ︎︎︎ ︎︎ ︎ ︎ ︎︎︎ ︎︎ ︎ ︎ ︎︎︎ ︎︎ ︎ ︎ ︎︎︎ ︎︎ ︎ ︎ ︎︎︎ ︎︎ ︎ ︎ ︎︎
Carrots cant float. But if you tie fishy wire to one and hang it in the air and look at it from far away, it almost look like its floating
The acute panic of my child going to hunt for batteries in my bedroom.
* Open bottle of wine*
*Takes a sip*
He loves me
*Takes another*
He loves me not…
one thing about September, everyday is about 5 people’s birthday 😭😭
People who use the phrase “Correct me if I’m wrong…” clearly don’t know me very well.
Me: Well, well, well. Look who’s come crawling back
Baby: [pretends like she doesn’t hear my extremely witty comment]
I nearly choked on a hard boiled egg and I know in my heart a cinnamon bun would never treat me this way
My diet this week consisted of 6 cheat days
The perfect tattoo doesn’t exi…
(after sex)
Would you mind completing this brief survey?
Sad how some stick figures get stuck working the hangman game, while others get to have nice families on the back of SUVs