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At the park.
4yo niece: Can we play with the bodies again?
Me:
Me:
Me: Barbies! She means Barbies!
The tapeworm was replaced by the CD-worm and then eventually by the mp3-worm.
Don’t ask me how evolution works!
Just choked on a apple…
Bet a brownie wouldn’t have done that..
Some hipsters were camping next to me and asked for help starting a fire.
So, I chased one around until his corduroys burst into flames.
If I’m ever snowed-in somewhere hope it’s a place that serves mushroom swiss burgers.
“Emergency Defibrillator”
As opposed to the one we keep around for fun?
me: how much is this cordless mouse?
pet store employee: that’s a hamster
when your local library starts subtly sowing the seeds of anarchy
every time I try to lay down for a bit it’s someone in a group text’s birthday
Brought home almond milk from the grocery store
My bf: You know, if you like nut milk you could….
Me: No
Me: Hey Alexa-
Alexa: OMG WHEN ARE YOU GOING BACK TO THE OFFICE
Ummm yeah I want one of those phone case’s where I can put my credit cards in with my phone so when I lose my phone I’m also broke. Genius!
How to cook the perfect amount of pasta:
1. Pour out how much you think you need
2. Wrong
11.45: Arrived at crime scene
11.45: Examined body. Signs of a struggle
11.45: Found murder weapon in drain
11.45: Realised watch was broken
Wanna feel smart? I just texted my sister a picture of her phone she left here
don’t look at the title of Kill Bill before you watch because it’s a bit of a spoiler
How I handle confrontation:
Them: Aimee!?
Me: *falls to the ground*
*does the worm*
Dad: relax kids, no monkey business in a nice restaurant
[table over]
Monkey 1: *slams briefcase shut, stands up*
Monkey 2: not worth it man
*first date*
Her: I have tattoos but I won’t say where, maybe you’ll need to investigate and find out? 😉
Me: Ah gotcha, I love investigating. *calls her mum*
My chess strategy is to make a bunch of erratic moves at the beginning to throw my opponent off, & then lose the game
I saw a car flipped over on the way to work and I was envious because they probably get to take the day off
*waters flowers*
*flowers die**sprays weeds with poison*
*weeds mutate, quadruple in size, grow 3 heads, and start speaking in tongues*
If being bad at grammar is a crime than arrest me.
If you’re curious what the priciest item in a store is just bring a kid along because they’ll definitely find then break it
“We have an idea for a video game. Picture a big gorilla on top of some metal framing hurling barrels at a plumber.”
That could not make any less sense. What’s the gorillas first name
“Donkey”
Can’t believe this needs to be said but giving two shots of vitamin B6 doesn’t mean you gave a shot of B12.
MOM: Any plans tonight?
ME: Me and the guys heading out to find us some ladees *shoots finger guns
HER: So Pokemon Go with Gary?
M: Yessss
Watching Dirty Dancing as a teenager: Damn right nobody puts baby in a corner
Watching Dirty Dancing as an adult: That child needs to be handcuffed to one of her parents at all times
wife: do u want a glass of water?
me: of what?
wife: water
me: a glass of what?
wife: oh my god. *sighs* earth soup