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You’re psychiatrist’s opinion about your social media habits don’t count if he has less followers than you.
4-year-old: Will you ever love me more?
Me: I already love you as much as I possibly can.
4: I’d love you more if you bought a pool.
Airlines when they need to change your flight: here’s a complimentary napkin
Airlines when you need to change your flight: that’ll be $8700.
If you’re 6’5” tall and drop something, I imagine you just keep walking, like “yeah, THAT’s gone now…”
If you’re driving a getaway car just remember the best way to lose the cops is to ship them via the post office
It sucks you can’t google something happening in your life. What does my neighbor Derek do for work
Here’s a sentence that has stuck with me for 22 years, from a doofy classmate’s story in 8th-grade English: “The werewolf puked and died.”
I told you these spanx were too tight.
-my tombstone
“Would you rather eat a pound of bricks or a matter baby?” he asks.
“What’s a matter baby?” I ask.
I’m shown a newborn so dense the fabric of space-time sags in a deep gravity well; objects within the event horizon are drawn inextricably to it.
“Uhhhhhh… The bricks, I guess?”
every night i say to my husband, “go up without me, I have to take my vitamins” but I’m just eating cookie dough
Puts all the toys my kids forgot they had in their Easter basket
HUMAN BEING: You won’t touch the salad I made, but you just ate 2 stray cats and a whole koi pond! I thought you said you were vegan!
ALIEN, from planet Vega 3: Yes, that’s right.
Hey teachers, stop giving my kids homework that includes stuff for me to do. I HAVE ALREADY GRADUATED.
Sincerely, every parent everywhere.
WELL WELL WELL, if it isn’t the lady who’s baby I stole.
“I will eat 3 oreos” I say to myself, bringing the bag
Good for you, the 3 people trying to keep MySpace alive. Good. For. You.
Him: I don’t believe I caught your name.
Her: I don’t believe I threw it.
Mob Boss: Did you check the money for marks?
Me: Why would I, we’ve never had a president named Mark
Mob Boss: …
Me: *getting nervous* H-have we?
Trying to take the best instagram picture ever but the kittens keep drowning in the latte.
Gyms closed. So this summer gone be about personality.
Rome fell because it was run by idiots who used letters as numbers.
I was a stay at home kid for the first 12 years of my life. I don’t think I’ll ever financially recover from it
Me driving through Toronto
Slip ‘n Slide should be a universal mode of transportation. I refuse to budge on this
My 13 y/o daughter is a little disappointed that her friends backed out of wearing an inflatable shark costume for Halloween and are going as Bluey characters instead but she’s sticking with the shark.
13: They just don’t take Halloween as seriously as me.
If you wait long enough to make dinner, everyone will eat cereal.
Follow me for more recipes.
Non-believers of Earth being a sphere presumably flatly deny all the evidence.
I’m not stressed
Me- Look at the beautiful Christmas lights kids!
My husband- Woo buddy, I’d love to see their electric bill