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I’m returning this head of lettuce. It tastes awful.
“Sir, that’s a loofah.”
Oh. I’m returning this loofah. Someone took a bite out of it.
Forget about waking me up when September ends, wake me up when Backstreet’s back, alright?
Boy, are you a destination wedding? Cuz I can’t come.
Kissed a receipt to lighten my lipstick but I need it to return something & now some cashier is gonna think I’m flirting.
too old for tik tok, too young for facebook, too weird for linkedin, not weird enough for reddit, too ugly for instagram…where will i go now
What do you get when you stick three kids and two adults with full time jobs in a house 24 hours a day for 6 months and then add in zoom school? A toddler who walks around all day shouting “Oh Dear God!”, apparently.
Son: Who do you love more, me or my brother?
Me: Impossible for me to answer. That’s like me asking who you love more, me or your –
Son: Mom!
What kind of cheese do you pair with a rare bottle of ‘08 Lysol?
This cheap wine tastes like a fine full bodied Capri Sun
[first day as an Orderly]
*gets fired for disorderly conduct*
78, 68, 77, 69, 78, 68, 75, 65, 75, 67, 79, 60
My mom & me, changing the thermostat behind each other’s backs.
Marriage is seeing your spouse happy, and wondering if it’s because they’re fantasizing your death.
*getting sexy boudoir photos taken for my husband*
Photographer: Ma’am, in the next shot, could you please put down the cheeseburger?
Men, do you ever wonder what women have in their purses?
Simple really: Wallet, keys, lip balm, tiny hand grenades, sunglasses, tissues, a pet unicorn, souls of our enemies, Advil, tampons and sometimes brass knuckles.
You’re welcome
What if balloons take over and start twisting us into animal shapes?
APOLOGISE NOW!!!
“Some people say things like ‘you can’t get blood from a stone’, or ‘vegetables shouldn’t scream when you eat them’. Well *chuckles* we here at Monsanto laboratories have spat in the face of God once again….”
How do you stop Canadian bacon from curling in a frying pan?
Take away its tiny brooms 🧹
Hypothesis, hypotenuse and hippopotamus are the same words
Stay woke, sheeples
My cause of death will probably be something stupid like, she was running from a swarm of bees and got hit by a dumptruck.
the trick to parenting is appearing to present a united front with your partner while subtly implying that the other one is really the villain
My package got from New York to Chicago in the same business day. Over the next four days it has traveled less than 20 miles, although it moves every day. I think it is walking here.
Eggnog is one of my top ten favorite nogs
*picks up frog*
*kisses it*
Frog: you know I’m poisonous, right?
Me: oh thank god.
[first day as a chef]
assistant: why is your hat squeaking
I have two dogs. One named Rolex and one named Timex.
They’re watchdogs.
He instantly became one of the bros
[private investigator hands me a folder] well she’s not cheating on you
[looking though numerous photos of my wife refrigerating bread] oh god no
“i am a sweet baby”
