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sorry kids, Santa is a super spreader.
I named my son Kidding Me so whenever people say “Are you kidding me” he has to say yes. This is a bad joke thanks for your time
I’m like the hottest girl on this elevator.
Never mind, someone else just got on.
Denied candy because I “didn’t wear red”. Kicked out of the office because I “didn’t wear pants”. I’m tired of these Valentine’s Day rules.
[whispering to date while watching Chappie when Chappie first appears on the screen] That’s Chappie
*tunnels out of prison cell, pops up in the warden’s office in an entirely different prison*
aw come ON
I’m at my sexiest when I try to run in flip flops in the rain.
Me: “I’m not going to spend any money today.”
Life: “That’ll be $200.”
PIG: “I’m paranoid everyone’s trying to turn me into bacon”
PSYCHIATRIST: “I’ll cure you”
PIG: “Oh God, not you too”
Hubby just choked after he bit into a grape and it squirted down his throat….
Not as easy as it looks is it?
Used to think my house was pretty nice until I starting watching HGTV. Now I just walk around depressed about my lack of sliding barn doors & wondering if I can knock down a wall & discover pristine hardwood floors under my carpet…all before I host book club at 6:00pm tomorrow.
It’s very important, every few days, to take a break from social media walk outside and throw up on people in person.
Not to brag or anything, but I got the high score on my scale today.
I can’t believe Disney didn’t call it “2 Frozen 2 Flurrious.”
“Son you’re just not cut out to be a mime.”
“Is it something I said?”
“Yes.”
A rob Lowe implies the existence of rob homedepot
*lint rolls you awake*
Kids: “Mom watch this. Watch this. Mom. Mama. Mama watch this. You’re not looking. Mom look. Look at me. You’re not looking.”
Me: merging onto the highway
Hairdresser: [holding up mirror] what do you think?
Me: [horrified] I love it
There’s hangry, and then there’s fasting for blood test hangry.
My girl knows I’d never cheat on her because she would need to arrange it and remind me 37 times so I don’t forget
Today I looked in the mirror and didn’t like who was looking back at me.
It was my neighbour standing behind me. Like dude, why you in here?
This is your gentle reminder that one time in the Bible Elijah was like “God, I’m so mad! I want to die!” so God said “Here’s some food. Why don’t you have a nap?” So Elijah slept, ate, & decided things weren’t so bad. Never underestimate the spiritual power of a nap & a snack.
do you mean bf like best friend or boyfriend or bread festival
[Witches Kitchen]
Mama: I made you a birthday cake and I used pig blood so it’s nice and moist
Daughter: wow okay that’s gross
Mama: what, I thought you liked pig blood?
Daughter: oh I do, but stop saying moist
We have guests, go get the fancy cups.
you accidentally send 2 people to hell, and all of a sudden nobody wants to play with you anymore
Me: don’t ever speak like that to me again
Alarm clock: *continues to beep*
History: delete
Pics: delete
Texts: delete
Kik: delete
“Why yes, you can use my phone for a second.”
Oh right, like you’ve never let your kids stay lost in a corn maze just a little longer.