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[trying to open a packet of hotdogs but I can’t because I refuse to slow down on my run]
I just threw some bird seed on my lawn and now there are dozens of them out there which is amazing because I thought it would take ages for them to grow
He doesn’t bite he is more into sabotage
Having a kitten around is great, because I was definitely missing being randomly assaulted by five pounds of panicky barbed wire as silent as a shadow in my life.
we all know this pain all too well
The Macarena began playing through the dental office speakers as I lied helpless with the hygienist’s hands in my mouth today. #survivor
attention murderers, please do not murder me for the next 1 hour and 40 minutes as i am once again watching How To Train Your Dragon
*deathbed*
All that time wasted. When I could have been *looks at family*
getting down to this… sick… beat
*dies*
*widow rolls eyes*
*At the checkout
Cashier: How many croissants?
M: Four
*Cashier eyes up the crumbs on my face.
M: Um six
[Giving my eulogy]
GIRLFRIEND: He was beloved for his many funny tweets, such as,
*Scrolling**Scrolling*
*Scrolling*
*Very slight chuckle*
*Scrolling*
Okay I actually don’t see any I like but he talked about it a lot, so I assume he was good.
“why are you being so quiet?” bc I wasn’t listening the first half of the conversation and now I have no idea wtf is going on
Car Salesman: If you buy this car, you’ll save $2000.
Me: I’ll save $20000 by not buying it.
jigsaw: I have injected you with a deadly poison
me [sitting in a chair]: OMG
jigsaw: if you want to live the antidote is on the other side of the room
me: I don’t understand, I’m not tied up?
jigsaw: *places sleeping kitten on my lap*
me: goodbye cruel world
My friend showed me her new vegan pants. I know vegans can be annoying and everything, but should we really be making pants out of them?
Today, a man looked me right in the face & said “You’re not hot!”
Actually it was a cop &he said “Here’s your ticket. Have a nice evening.”
As it may promote gay propaganda & non traditional sex, pictures from my workout this afternoon will not be published.
Me: finally drifting off to sleep
The alarm: you’re not gonna believe this
“Good luck tomorrow.”
* Me confusing a random stranger *
I’ll marry your mom just so I can ground you
Men fantasize about me, women want to be me and children obey me!
[wakes up on bathroom rug]
The game has officially changed 😎
*climbs Mt. Everest hoping to find clarity, PEACE & a deeper understanding of myself & the world*
“When did they put a Starbucks up here?”
No one would ever question Siri’s directions if she said them with more conviction. “Keep right, if you want to live.”
A lollipop is like a normal lipop but it laughs a lot.
Sorry.
Putting on a bra is like trying to wrestle two pigs into a potato sack.
“Guests, like fish, begin to smell after three days.”
That’s why I keep everyone who comes to visit in the freezer.
I saw Jesus trending and my heart dropped. My first thought was ‘damn you 2016!’ but then i realized it was just his birthday.
GARY JOHNSON: let me debate, i wanna debate, lemme lemme
MODERATOR: FINE! how will you deal with big banks
JOHNSON: like…river banks, or
You look like the kinda person who eats the DO NOT EAT silica packets