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“Miss me yet?” – 2019
[someone stops being my friend]
ah that’s sad they must have died
Ever feel like you have one foot in a canoe and the other on a banana peel?
Plain white T’s: A thousands miles seems pretty far, but they’ve got plans and trains and cars
The proclaimers: *after walking 500 miles and 500 more* ……they have…. WHAT?!
what happens if the bachelor chooses to love himself
waiter: bread for the table?
me: ok fair swap (walks away with basket of bread)
My neighbour won’t make eye contact with me ever since I mistook her for my Uber when she stopped at the mailbox in front of my house
(sitting in back seat, locking eyes with the kid in the child seat) “Huh. I didn’t know drivers could bring their kids”
[commencement speech]
when I look out at all your faces, I see future leaders & scientists who will change the world, I also see probable felons & a whole bunch of divorcees, some of you will be great inventors, some of you will get a dui and- what? no I don’t go to this school
I was offering free mammograms in the company parking lot long before my employer was doing it.
Me: *just finished watching Shark Week* Did you know sharks have to swim continuously or they’ll die?
Wife: Yes. Everyone knows that.
Me: It’s kinda like you, but with talking. LOL
Wife:
Me: OMG! Say something!
I told my boyfriend I had a dream we broke up and I started dating a guy named Arthur and now he won’t stop calling himself “Daytime Arthur”
Me, mouthful of cicadas: WHAT?!
Always be kind to people, you never know who may own a boat.
Cleaning out my fireplace before the chimney sweep comes feels like I’m flossing on the way to the dentist.
Oompa Loompa: When you die do we get the factory?
Wonka: No, I’ll just invite 5 random kids and murder 4.
Oompa Loompa: We need a union…
Putting 7 to bed and she started asking me questions about having babies. I answered as well as I could for her level and was feeling quite pleased with myself. I told her she could ask me anything so naturally her next question was how do shipwrecks happen.
I’m rubber, you’re glue. He’s scissors, she’s a toner cartridge, those fellas are paperclips. Welcome to the supply closet pal.
customer: can I return this bird food?
me: we don’t take returns
customer: then can I give some feedback?
me: I told you no
So, when we talk about history repeating itself are we talking just fashion trends or can I start prepping for a pet dinosaur ?
Guy wearing Superman t-shirt. LOL. Way to blow your identity idiot.
Drug dealer: if you’re a cop, you have to tell me
Me: [into shoulder radio] is that true
Nobody knows how much work I put into looking only this fat.
My wife asked me what I wanted for Christmas. I winked at her.
She bought me eye drops.
Strudel me like one of your toaster girls
my kid was complaining she’s bored so I found her a tutorial on mining Bitcoin.
I ate an entire box of delicious Triscuit crackers, and 8 hours later gave birth to a wicker chair.
In hell, you have to watch my son fold laundry.
You stop eating apples if your doctor is cute.
It’s been a horrible morning so far. My ex got run over by a bus, and I lost my job as a bus driver 🙁