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You had me at Whipped Cream Vodka.
[portrait studio]
ARTIST: I charge $50 per limb, because limbs are difficult to draw
ME: How much to draw me from the side?
ARTIST: That’ll cost you an arm and a leg
I wonder if bon jovi eventually made it the whole way there
i gave my 4-year-old bubble wrap from a package and he thanked me for his christmas present. now i can’t stop thinking of all the money i could have saved
Just opened a Christmas card and a Yorkshire Pudding fell out.
I love my Aunt Bessie.
Don’t be afraid to ask questions during a job interview. It’s the best way to find out if the person you’re interviewing is a good candidate for the job.
Date – “I really dig intellectuals”
Me – “oh yeah? well check this out babe”
[counts to 17]
CPR refresher class. We’re told, “If they’re not breathing, there’s no way you can make it worse.” Woman then trips; kicks dummy’s head off.
I’m not ashamed of my past. Well, except for that time I used the word snazzy.
Tonight I have taught my 2yr old a very valuable lesson.
He now knows that chips can be used to eat guacamole.
Wow, my kids are decorating the heck out of this small lower left section of our Christmas tree.
Called in, “I’m a time traveler. I came in today yesterday.”
tarot lady: someone wants to talk to you
me: stop threatening me
If E.T. is making your bicycle fly through the sky, why do you still have to pedal?
if a job listing has “rockstar” anywhere in the description: run.
Please God, let the weather be nice for my picnic. There are 7 billion people on this planet. Many starving. Please hear my picnic prayer.
[evening drive]
3yo: daddy
me: yes sweetie
3yo: the moon is following us
me: *floors it*
I always watch Goldeneye before cooking a microwave meal…
A garlic dill pickle is not for the unprepared. First, do you carry a toothbrush in your purse?
My first act as president will be an executive order requiring that all celebrity baby names be reviewed by a panel of sane people.
Every mealtime I put a table mat under 9’s plate to catch the crumbs so they don’t go on the floor and at the end of every mealtime he sweeps the crumbs off the mat onto the floor. I think he’s faulty and would like a refund
[company meeting]
Manager: $5000 in office supplies have gone missing. We are making some changes.
Me: [in paper clip chainmail, sweating]
We should be able to pick our zodiac sign, like choosing your piece in Monopoly: “Nope I’m not playing today unless I can be the crab or the lion”
seeing a lot of pretty girls tweet about being “created in a lab” which is weird bc i distinctly remember the day we all emerged from the depths of the lake together
Me: this meeting could’ve been an email.
Also me: (gets an email) Goddammit.
Billion dollar idea: Tea bags that are actually wine bags. Slogan: You already act like you’re God, now turn water into wine like Jesus!
Streamers say ‘mods’ the same way a medieval lord would say ‘guards’
Every day Stephen King and I both:
1. Get up
2. Terrify People
3. Tweet
Dear Diary, someone’s sent me a podcast recommendation again.