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Take them to a sporting event on your first date. You don’t want to waste time dating someone who claps like an idiot.
Cement your reputation as the office Romeo by committing suicide over an underage girl you’ve been seeing for less than a week.
Red wine has anti-inflammatory properties so if there is a god, she is a middle aged mom.
My wife wants me to stay on twitter because she doesn’t want me to tell her 10 jokes a day.
We’ve got some ground rules in this house bro. if there’s a sock on the doorknob it means im trippin balls and think the door is a big foot
Pink has done surprisingly well as a solo artist ever since her and Floyd split up.
Punctuation Matters. Period.
I hated muffins until I was 17 & saw someone remove the wrapper on the bottom of a muffin before eating one. Prior to this, I thought it was just part of the muffin eating experience & would angrily eat muffin wrappers because… I just thought that I had to.
Subway Guy: Enjoy your sandwich
Me: You too!
Subway Guy:
Me:
Me: *gives him my sandwich* this is yours now
“I just can’t wait to hear the audible gasps of amazement from everyone who enters my house.”
-Me after spending 6 minutes cleaning
Others: if you want your house to smell like xmas take a pot of water & add sliced oranges,cinnamon sticks, vanilla, peppercorns, cranberries, forage for 3 pine branches and simmer all day
Me: lights xmas candle
I’m sorry to hear your uncle was run over by a boat in Venice. My gondolences.
My daughter, age 6, is into playing Would You Rather and her questions are not for the faint of heart, i.e., “Would you rather have eyes, or a grandma?”
She argues in Italian
She sings to you in French
She yells at you in German
In tones that make you clench
The girl is complicated
And very hard to please
When you disappoint her
She
Some woman is out there right now pregnant with Leonardo Dicaprio’s next girlfriend.
—Interviewer: Do you have any special skill that can benefit our company?
Me:
Louis CK releasing a special when no one can leave the room feels pretty on brand TBH
I accidentally wore a beetle inside. Neither party was happy about this.
My safe word is “insufficient funds”.
*runs for mayor*
Mayor: You’re outta shape
Burning rubber…
While driving a race car: Good
While using a condom: Bad
Me: A coworker called me ‘Papa Hemingway’ today.
Her: Because of your beard?
Me: Well it wasn’t because of my Nobel in Literature.
I have a draft that just says “rhino!” & I cannot even wrap my brain around why I thought that would make sense.
ME: I wasn’t invited to the party
FRIEND: Yeah, people think you’re melodramatic
ME: [slaps friend with silk glove] Then I shall die alone
If you let me, shear’s what I’ll do. I’ll take hair off ewe
2014: maybe 2015 will be better
2015: maybe 2016 will be better
2016: omg, wtf is happening?
2017: is this a bad dream?
2018: no seriously, WTF?!
2019: AN ASTEROID WOULD BE NICE
Before you tell a woman her makeup is askew, be sure she’s actually wearing makeup.
chiropractor: so how’s your back been?
backstreet: alright
I picked up carry-out and the guy asked if I wanted to leave a tip.
Yeah. Offer delivery.
I abuse music so badly. I’m always like: make me feel good, watch me dance, listen to me sing, improve my mood. She must be sick of my shit.