Meanwhile at the Maternity Ward…
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Just built a kite that’ll hold my cat. Figured if a mouse helped discover electricity then my cat & I should be able to unlock time travel.
Me: was the “also” because the sun SETS or because the MOON rises?
Hemingway: couldn’t you have picked someone living to have dinner with
If you watch the Social Network backwards, it’s about a man gaining more friends and a girlfriend as he spends less time on Facebook.
clark kent’s honeymoon starts on a down note
I’m waiting in the school parking lot and a grandpa picking up twin preschool girls just yelled at one of them, “GET YOUR HAND OUT OF YOUR PANTS,” and some other little boy in the parking lot jumped like he’d been caught. It’s chaos out there.
2024 is starting to feel like it needs to be left outside until we see if it can act right.
My FIL found my husband’s childhood trumpet and then asked my 5yo if he wanted it. I don’t know what I did for that man to hate me so much, but apparently it was pretty bad.
The Lion King is my favorite movie about how having a karate wielding monkey can completely change your life.
And ladies, keying cars is very 2010 lol all you need to do is ask to drive his car and you take it and speed pass every speed camera in your city. And just return his car back to him like nothing happened.
After I drink coffee I show my empty mug to the IT guy and tell him I’ve successfully installed Java. He hates me.
if you have over 100 followers there is a secret group of people who meet once a week to throw darts at a picture of your face
Started a pot of coffee. Cleaned the coffee maker, poured in fresh water, hit start, and waited for that sweet sweet caffeine laden honey of the gods. I watched in dismay as clear liquid ran into the pot and I realized I didn’t add the beans. Guys. I brewed hot water.
Reminder that today is Make Your Kid Lunch for School so They Can Forget it at Home Day.
when adam driver cut his arm in marriage story my mom said “hemorrhage story” and I thought that was a pretty good one
Best thing about wearing glasses is taking them off when you’re about to make a point so people know it’s about to get real.
Husband grabbed bagel sandwiches for breakfast (hunting)
I stayed in bed liking TikToks for us to watch later (gathering)
The worst part about crapping my pants at work was having to set the ACCIDENT FREE sign back to zero days in front of everybody.
5: Daddy, can we go get ice cream?
Me: I don’t see why not.
5: Mommy said I couldn’t.
M: Hey, there’s the why not.
Toddler: My feet are cold, do you have any feet warm stuff?
Me: Yes, socks
Toddler: No!!
As the officer approached my car I took a big pull of helium from the balloon and started crying
Interviewer: Please put your kazoo away
Ther are two microwaves in my office kitchen, one is for exploding lasagnas and the other one is for exploding other different lasagnas
Pronounces “biochemist” as “beyotch mist”
I try not to be loud in the office restroom stall unless my boss is in the restroom, because then I want to prove I’m not just goofing off.
Recipes call for an item that isn’t used much and the grocery story only has 40 pound bags of it for $7000.
Just once, I’d like to see an honest Facebook status, like “happy birthday to my average-looking, sort of friend, Amanda!”
“Are you a secret shopper? You have to admit it if I ask. It’s the law.”
“That’s only for narcs.”
“That sounds like something a secret shopper would say…”
Taurus: People will call you a trend setter this week when you’re bitten by a new species of snake.
I’m Phoenician, as in, “Nobody better stop me from Phoenician all of these donuts.”
Day 4: They suspect nothing.
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