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Psychiatrist: what are your future goals?
Me: I can’t tell you because you’ll try to stop me
Friend: [handing me baby] Here’s the apple of my eye
Me: Why is this apple crying? And why does your eye have an apple? What kind of apple—oh my god I think your eye apple just pooped
[after divorce]
I think I still know…
*puts on shark tooth necklace*
…what women want.
One of my girlfriend’s bras made it into the dryer.
It was nice knowing you guys.
Little known fact:
Centipede’s are the Metric version of Inchworms.
Heard my mom tell my dad to “stop tossing her salad” at the dinner table and now I can’t look at either one of them without laughing…
I bet dogs have a really hard time playing Twister
Left paw: grey
Other left paw: darker grey, but not the darkest grey. Sort of in between
Obama: Didn’t think he’d be late
Biden: I gave him the wrong address
Obama: Joe he’s the president-elect
Biden: idgaf what they call him
I just really hope The Weeknd’s real name isn’t Mnday.
Sorry I referred to your baby shower as a gift extortion party.
Commonly confused phrases:
In the same boat = We’re going through this together
On the same page = We understand each other
In the same trunk = We’re getting kidnapped OMG
[JOB INTERVIEW]
It says on your CV that you are a magician, can you show me?ME: *Points on CV to where it is says I am a magician*
Chief Wiggum, Springfield PD, here… they’re doing WHAT?
1pm, the perfect time to start doing the work I woke up early to get a jump on.
H: What’s for breakfast?
M: I’m having potatoes and orange juice. *sips juice*
H: Great, when are you making potatoes?
M: They’re in my orange juice.
A Cobra wanted to fight me but I challenged him to a thumb war and he slitthered away embarrassed.
ME: how will i die
FORTUNE TELLER: you will be hit by a car
ME: will my wife miss me
FORTUNE TELLER: perhaps i wasn’t clear
cashier: “would you like to donate to fight hunger?”
me: “oh, hunger wants to rumble?”
*dip knuckles in syrup & then in Cheerios
“im ready”
If he:
-Changes his entire look for you
-Travels 1,900 miles upstream to chase you
-Procreates and dies
-Replenishes an entire ecosystem with his carcassHe’s not your valentine, he’s a Chinook salmon
date: [breaks 3 minute silence] “you dont have to use the chopsticks just to impress me”
me: [trying to pick up my beer] “i can do it”
Some nice person with absolutely no issues of their own dm’d me and asked how I sleep at night being such a “bloodsucking piece of sh*t divorce attorney” and I said, “like a baby on 1000 thread count sheets.”
I enjoy holding the door open for people who are far away so they feel like they have to run a little.
Cinderella: [changing clothes after the wedding, removes one shoe]
Prince Charming: omg babe where did you go
My son told me that it doesn’t matter what way the towels face when he puts them away and it’s almost like he wants to see my eye do that twitchy thing.
The recipe I’m making specifically says allow to cook undisturbed, and yet my whole family is standing in the kitchen
have a nail gun and some boards laying around? show him you love him by adding some attractive wood paneling to his car
This story lives rent free in my head:
Lord of the Rings star Sean Astin once asked Lesnie [LotR cinematographer] ‘where is the light coming from? ‘ when they were shooting in what should have been a darkened tower.
Lesnie replied, “Same place as the music.”
Him: I can’t sleep
Me: try counting sheep
Him: did it ever occur to you that the fact that you filled our bedroom with 27 sheep is the reason why I can’t sleep?
Me: aww you HAVE counted them *claps hands*
My wife left me because of my gambling addiction.
But I know I can win her back.