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“An apple a day takes Billion Dollars away” ~ Samsung
Wife: u can take Max to the park but ur not gonna wrestle other ppls dogs
Me in a spandex singlet: Im 16-0 Karen I have a title to uphold
If a shark attacks you, punch him in the nose. And if that doesn’t work, use your severed arm to tickle his belly.
I respect every moose for having two giant high-fives growing out of his head.
Normal Bar: Hey bud we can’t let you in here with that pocket knife
Renaissance Faire: Here’s 32oz of meade and a bow & arrow go crazy
*cops finds my loose floorboard*
Cop: What’s under here…
*they discover a lifetime supply of hot pockets*
Me: I’d like my lawyer now.
Yesterday I donated $10, just not quite sure where because it fell out of my pocket.
Was it that frightening to gift newlyweds a ceramic cast of my fist?
You’ll be OK
[security patting down mouse]
“Any cheese on your person, sir?”
[waves another mouse over them like a metal detector wand]
“He’s clean.”
I want to open a shelter for neglected and forgotten passwords.
I bring giant stuffed animals into carnivals so when I walk around people will think that I am good at something.
If Adrian Peterson is getting indicted for spanking his kid with a stick my mom should get the electric chair.
burger king implies the existence of an entire burger based feudal system
DATE: I think nervous boys are cute.
ME: *responding with confidence for the first time in my life* Excellent!
DATE: This date is over.
just put in my notice at work and my boss was like, “oh, so do you have another job lined up?” and i said, “no. i just don’t want to work here anymore.” and reader, when i tell you how loud the silence was after that….
walked in on my grandma petting my dogs head whispering “you’re so lucky to be illiterate”
opening twitter before 9am is crazy like did you even try to have a good day
7: Where are you and Mom going tonight?
Me: To meet with your teacher.
7: Oh, you don’t need to. I already saw her today.
Imagine being the person that got a message from an almighty powerful God and it was: ‘There’s going to be a floody floody’.
Alien: we are here to enslave you
Me: *not looking up from phone* huh?
Alien: I SAID..
Me: *still not looking up* yeah I said I’ll do it
lil red riding hood: the Internet told me there are two wolves inside of you
granny: *sweating* haha what I don’t even have one haha who reads things on the Internet
*Goes to bathroom
*Reaches down to unzip
*Discovers pants have been unzipped for the last 4 hours
*Starts wearing underwear
them: ugh, could you be more annoying
me: oh god, yes
I always chalk the pool cue as if it is going to make a difference
If a car depreciates as soon as you drive it off the lot then shouldn’t the price go down when you return from a test drive?
My kids went to great lengths, including the use of interpretative dance, to explain exactly how big the bags under my eyes are
If you’ve ever wondered about the joys of parenting
What have you done…🐈🐾🥴
Sound On..🔊🆙
CANCELLING MY DENTIST APPOINTMENT THE LAST 4 TIMES:
-Sad
-Embarrassing
-Pretended it was a scheduling issue but they knew I was lyingCANCELLING MY DENTIST APPOINTMENT TODAY:
-Brave
-Iconic
-Protecting the world by not letting a stranger put his fingers in my mouth
We can put a man on the moon, but we can’t think of a less terrifying way to can biscuits