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3yo: When will I die?
me: Hopefully, not until you’re very, very old.
3yo: Who is going to kill me?
UMMM, what?
her: so do you have air conditioning
me: no, only fans
what pushes u to watch 19 seasons of mfs in a hospital??
When she jokingly asks “You’re not a serial killer, are you?”
It is NOT okay to jokingly say, “Well, you’d be my first!” in response.
[buying a USB cord at Best Buy]
that’ll be $29.99
[buying a USB cord off Amazon]
here, take 5 cords for $4.99 and I’ll throw in a free horse
*covers kids eyes*
“Hey Billy, guess who?”
“Dad!”
“Nope”
“I knw its u dad. I know ur voice”
“Its not ur dad”
“Stop jking”
“Ur adopted”
[at dry cleaners]
Me: Hi, did I drop something off here a few weeks ago?
Owner: Yes
Son: *walks out from back* Daddy!!!
Updating my 2014 MacBook and you would think I am diffusing a bomb. It’s been two hours and the fan is going so hard it sounds like it’s preparing for take off
My daughter quickly pulled my glasses off and threw them on the floor, and out of habit, I gave her my lunch money and stuffed myself in a locker.
My husband just bought us a cooking class for date night. Subtle.
Gambling is all about getting something for nothing and spending thousands of dollars trying to do it.
[First day waiting tables]
Customer: do you have wings?
Me: *flaps elbows* no, just regular arms
[three days after inventing phone]
*rrrrrriiiiiiiiinnggggg*
Alexander Graham Bell: oh ffs
angel: what should zebras look like?
god: completely innocent
angel: ok
god: they could do no wrong
angel: got it
god: so paint ‘em like the hamburglar
If biscuits were slimming and contained every nutrient the human body needs, I’d be in terrific shape.
I’m 32 and my mom took me clothes shopping or as she likes to call it a “please go back to school sale”
I’m not saying he’s a gold digger, but he certainly did not hold back when I took him through the McDonald’s drive thru.
Ok, all you people who adopt dogs and put “who rescued who?” stickers on your car… you drive me crazy!
Clearly it’s “who rescued whom?”
thin ice you say? *starts riverdancing*
Having an indoor/outdoor female cat that isn’t spayed is like having a free refill for kittens.
A grasshopper just jumped onto my foot and I reacted like I was being attacked by a shark.
Most of my one night stands happened because they knew they would get a fabulous breakfast the next morning.
Me: Table for one, please.
Waiter: Would you like to see the men–
Me: YES.
Women never find it devilishly charming when I follow them into the lady’s room. Thanks a lot, “Top Gun”.
if i text you “🤩” it means i have a starfish over each eye
Two days ago: omg, I’m so glad I found my watch, I’ll never misplace it again!
Today: *has zero clue where the hell my watch is*
I feel like landlords who don’t allow dogs but DO allow children don’t know very much about children.
I hate it when pretentious people try to use big words to make themselves appear photosynthesis.
I solve the trolley problem by choosing whichever option is more inconvenient for the passengers
In medieval Europe, it was pretty easy to amass vast armies eager to go into battle and have their heads schwacked off because no one wanted to be alive in medieval Europe.