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Maybe I’m driving around with my coffee on the roof because I want to cool it down. YOU DON’T KNOW.
In choosing clinical logic and detached isolation over laughter and passion, you went full-Vulcan.
Everyone knows you never go full-Vulcan.
My astrological sign is KFC gravy
looks like the dishwasher has a nice side hustle going
[awkward silence while i drive my date home] in my defense some places let you draw on the menu
my dad is heart reacting pics of my mom that he himself sent in the family group chat
Google reviews are always so mixed..
I hate it when people who are younger than me complain about being old. They’re all like… well, I forget what they say, but it’s still annoying.
wife: What’s wrong?
me [annoyed because the kids menu has a picture of a tree on it but they didn’t give me any brown crayons] Nothing
When tragedy strikes your community, McDonald’s will still be there to take your money.
It’s an scientific fact that the smoke detector battery will only die at 0230
LUKE: any weekend plans?
OTHER JEDI: I’m probably gonna do yoga
LUKE: omg I have to warn him
A world war 2 bunker with fake air vent
I saw an ad for burial plots and I thought, that’s the last thing I need.
[First date]
Her: I like bad boys.
Me: *trying to impress* I have it on Blu-ray.
It’s always fun to put a rainbow bumper sticker on your homophobic friend’s car.
When my friend and I were children, gym class would have us run around the neighborhood. This run would pass my house. We sneak through the back alley into my house and watch TV for 20 minutes and then my dad will drive us back to school. The perfect crime
listen, i know shrek isn’t REAL, i was simply asking if it was based on a true story,
Everything is about balance. A sombrero with strawberries on the one side and melons on the other, can and will cause you certain problems, I know this now
by age 30 you really should just be in a completely unsustainable number of different group chats that all comprise of different combinations of the same people
Four stages of my life:
1. Life is beautiful.
2. What is twitter?
3. Twitter is beautiful.
4. What is life?
did it hurt? when the rat pulled on your hair to make you cook?
You better watch out
A cop just pulled me over — asking if I knew my tail light was out? I said, ‘Uh uh. I drive on the inside of my car’
If I ever get a dog I’m going to teach him how to fetch useful things like tv remotes, iPhones and men who like red wine.
Who will tell him he’s not a dog !
“Dog Detective, how can I help you?”
MY PERSON THREW THE BALL AND I CAN’T FIND IT
“Did you check his hand?”
NO HE THREW IT ALR… oh wait
[my last day as a transplant surgeon]
Oh, my bad! I thought you said “kid knees.”
This recipe takes only 30 minutes.
3.5hrs after preparing all the ingredients, it did indeed take 30 minutes.