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JESUS: so I’m u
GOD: yes
JESUS: and ur me
GOD: yes
JESUS: I don’t get it
GOD: I do
JESUS: how can one of us get it & not the other
GOD: whoa
Listen I don’t wanna be bent over a balcony. I’m in my forties and my right hip hurts and my left knee hyperextends and my shoulders are constantly knotted so please for the love of Christ find us a bed.
Terrifying if literal: the walls have ears
God: you run really fast.
Horse: sweet.
God: people ride you in circles for sport.
Horse: kindof weird but ok
God: also don’t break a leg.
Horse: why?
God:
Horse: God? why?
What, I’m Asian?
*slides off Uggs & infinity scarf inside Starbucks*
*buys a bonsai tree*
I left my kid in daycare an extra half hour so I could eat Doritos without sharing and I have absolutely no regrets about this
Getting a snowstorm today. They said it would start around noon, it’s now 12:02, so already the meteorologists were wrong.
the reason there are no time machines arriving from the future is that in the year 2040, the contract to make them goes to Boeing
I hope the zombies start with people that talk to me when I’m obviously counting.
My screensaver is a screenshot of a bunch of spreadsheets so my boss doesn’t notice when I haven’t moved my mouse in an hour.
[1st date]
Me: don’t let him know you’re a lobster
Him: we should check out my hot-tub later
Me: ‘yeah…sure’ *nervously clicks claws*
That curb was easily going 30 mph when it hit my car.
Ever notice how many towns are named after their water tower?
first you must answer his riddles
“Traaains”
– traveling zombies
Me: *googles my symptoms*
WEBMD: drunk for the last 6 days
if you think about it Medusa had a lot of solid friends
Note to self: just because it’s in the map app’s directions doesn’t mean the road is paved.
Person: I really DO want your honest advice
Me: NO you don’t
P: I DO
Me: I’m your friend. What I think doesn’t matter. He’s your husband. Sit down like 2 grown ass adults & have a conversation. Tell HIM not me & y’all work it out
P: *pause* Um, what’s your less honest advice?
Baller is short for ballerina
Wife: Are you crying in there?
Me crying: NO!
W: have you been eating cheese again? *opens door*
Me with mousetrap stuck to lips: NO
[in bed]
gf: I thought we could experiment with toys
me: fine, but not my buzz lightyear
[3 years from now]
I can’t believe it’s still 2020.
Asked the worker at the liquor store to help me pick out a bottle of bubbly and she handed me a “nice” $26 bottle, but then I said it was for when my in-laws came over and she took it out of my hands and replaced it with a $12 bottle.
“No thanks, I’m vegan,” is apparently not funny when someone hands you a baby. 🤭
Her: I wish you would surprise me sometimes.
Me: *shedding my human skin to reveal I am actually Nergal, Mesopotamian God of death*
Her: No, not like that.
Welcome to Cupcake Yoga! NomNomaste.
To any ex-military that live on my street I apologize for whatever messages we may be sending, 2yo has discovered light switches
My dog is starting a food blog where she writes about the delicious flavors of the various paper napkins she finds and eats.
accidentally emailed my crush a bunch of pics of me in my karate uniform again