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I’d be far more impressed with He-Man if he went all the way and got his doctorate of the universe.
My work day –
8:00-11:30 – wonder what I’ll eat for lunch today
11:30 – 12:00 – eat lunch
12:00 – 4:30 – Damn lunch was good.
Tell us a scary story!
Ok kids, gather around
*holds flashlight up to face
And I’ll tell you all that is evil*puts wedding tape in VCR
Intermittent fasting is how I drive, not how I eat.
CINDERELLA: my parents r dead
FAIRYGODMOTHER:
CINDERELLA: im being abused
FAIRYGODMOTHER:
CINDERELLA: i need a new outfit
FAIRYGODMOTHER: hi
Make your cavity search more entertaining by keistering surprises for the TSA agent.
What did you find, Gary? No that’s not a Chinese finger trap. Keep looking.
Him: Will you proofread this essay for me?
Me: Dammit, Todd! I CAN read and don’t need to prove it to you everytime you write something.
I’ve made it to 10am without eating my lunch what more do you want from me
I’ve GOT to get a life stenographer. It’d be great to say, “Betty, read back last night so I can see why I put a skillet on my nightstand.”
Me *about to get hit by a bus*
OH SHIT I’M NOT THE MAIN CHARACTER
*returning snake to the pet store* my hamsters won’t come out of this tunnel
Extra virgin olive oil is just olive oil who got dating advice from me.
I may not believe in Santa, the Easter Bunny or the Great Pumpkin, but these mid-life stabbing pains all over my body have me convinced there are ninjas everywhere.
I got my superpowers when I was bitten by a radioactive idiot.
Wife: You put the wrong date on this.
Me: Oh, yeah. The year change always messes me up.
Wife: You wrote 1992.
We’re currently trapped in a crowded elevator. Good thing I have enough tuna casserole for everyone.
*whispering* i like going for a drive and running my fingers through your hair
bus driver: well, i do not
anywhere a walkable city if u broke enough
dating coach: don’t immediately compliment a girl‘s looks that’s creepy
me: ok got it
[later]
her: hi i’m carol
me: u look like shit
you can lose weight eating chips and salsa if you keep the chips and salsa a mile apart
Looking for a job on Craigslist. A guy wants to pay $150 to borrow a valid driver’s license to rent a car. What could possibly go wrong?
My dog is coming home from surgery today and I hope he did ok. He can’t afford another malpractice suit.
I have almost 500,000 miles on my office chair …. So I got that going for me.
Tired this morning me would like to have a word with stayed up too late last night me.
My life hack? If you buy a Rubik’s cube and never touch it they’ll never know you can’t solve it.
Doctor (listening to my heart): You really should stop smoking
Me: I will one day
Doctor: No…like now. You can’t smoke in here
I told some friends yesterday that I was going to make seven-layer magic cookie bars and one of my friends said, “oh I can’t make those bc if I do I will eat them until I’m sick” and privately I was like haha well that will not happen unto ME and now it is today and guess what
I just want the confidence of a kohl’s cashier asking people if they’d like to save 35% off their total purchase by opening a kohl’s charge when said total is only $3.25…….
ME: we can probably take our masks off now since we’re outside
BANK ROBBER: you massive idiot
Hey! Remember how fat your arms are?
-Summer