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Alien: Take me to your leader.
Me: (nervous af) Look my wife is following a diet and she’s not in the best mood today…
Why is my body letting me get a cold?
I gave it an orange only last week….
there’s music for literally every activity
My husband reprogrammed my radio stations to country so I pulled over and set the car on fire.
WELL, WHO TOLD YOU TO GO IN THE BATHROOM?
~ Me, yelling from bed at the cat crying to get out of the bathroom
Cop: Are you drunk?
Me: Could a drunk person do this? *I just piss my pants*
Cop: WOW. Yes actually.
Me: That was supposed to be a backflip
My 3yo was so excited to go to his first yard sale! He had $1 to spend on a toy and carefully chose a large plastic shark head. I was relieved it wasn’t something messy! When we got home we discovered it was actually a toy carrier and there were THIRTY miniature sharks inside. 😑
Game Show Host: if you were stranded on an island with no people, what–
Me: omg yes
You can have a good day with your teen or you can ask them to dress warm, you cannot have both
“THE UNIVERSE IS TEACHING ME PATIENCE” I scream zenfully
[after a fight]
Enjoy your peanuts and raisins, I whisper, eating all the M&Ms from the trail mix.
Tough guy in pub: oh yeah? Well how ’bout we take this outside?
Me (knowing that it’s a cloudless night just perfect for stargazing): well that sounds utterly divine.
.@cocacola i tried to give a coke bottle to a polar bear. he did not accept. also he took my son. i need my son back
I’m sorry for dropping a glitter bomb in the baptismal pool at church tomorrow.
Sure, being a lion tamer is dangerous but have you ever gotten a haircut while you had the hiccups?
The pigeons are plotting to overthrow the government. It will start with a coo.
Not sure if “life hack” exactly, but I fell down the stairs and now my whole family is being so nice and catering to my needs
[gettysburg]
Abraham Lincoln: four score and seven years ago-
Me: wtf does that mean
Abraham Lincoln: 87
Me: say 87 then
Me: this is almost as scary as the dmv haha
Dentist: haha yeah, my license is suspended
Me: oh, what do you drive?
Dentist: deep breath and count back from 3. drive?
INTERVIEWER: We want someone who isn’t just a yes-man, you know what I mean?
ME [clever] no
Doctors penmanship is so poor because they’re actually making fun of you to the pharmacist
Customer Service: How does the name appear on your credit card?
Me: If i had to guess, I’d say it’s 11 pt. Arial bold.
Know when to holdem
*Pick up panties
Know when to foldem
*Fold em
Know when to walk away
*Leave laundromat
Know when to run
*Girl chasing me
[blind date]
her: this is nice, i was worried you’d turn out to be weird or something
me: i lost my virginity on a ghost pirate ship
her: ah there it is
[noir voice-over] I wasn’t a real man. Just three kids stacked on top of each other in a trenchcoat. She knew it, too. She also knew I was the only one who could solve her husband’s murder
I have a book to read on
overcoming procrastination.I bought it in 2007.
Jesus: *picks up bread* this is my body
Jesus: *picks up wine* this is my blood
Jesus: *picks up eggplant* i think we allll know what this is lol yea
[taking atendance]
teacher: jimmy
jimmy: here
teacher: susie
susie: here
teacher: (sighs) omnipresemt sentinel
omnipresent sentinel: ａｌｗａｙｓ
The Mayor in Jaws was right.
Imagine you traveled to the beach on the 4th of July and they’re like “Sorry ocean’s closed – there was a SHARK out there a few days ago!”
“Who made that decision?”
“Our SHERIFF who is SCARED of WATER!”
I’m going to hell if anybody needs anything.