You Might Also Like
Cher: Do you believe in life after love?
Me: *checks dictionary*
No.
I just ran 4.1 Kms and realized you can write anything you want after that and no one will read it purple monkey dishwasher.
I still haven’t used my new mace, this apocalypse is bullshit!
A guy in the store on his cell said “Susan, I’m in my car on my way” so I yelled “NO HE’S NOT!” Because nobody lies to Susan in front of me.
Hey everyone, my mom’s following me on Twitter now, so ixnay on all the eetstway about the ugsdray and exsay and acismray. Thanks
Well my ex canceled the Spotify premium I was using which unfortunately means I am revoking her Dads access to my Disney +. Good guy. Hate to see him caught in the crossfire
People need to wake up and accept that Batman regularly commits tax fraud
Don’t leave me alone.
Alone: I have a boyfriend.
If I wake up at 4:30, I’ll have 2 uninterrupted hours to exercise, clean and make a healthy breakfast.
*sets alarm for 6:30*
Never trust your kids. You know who their parents are.
My wife had me try three new positions in the bedroom last night. But she ended up wanting the dresser back where it was.
The funk soul brother
mood
please stop describing the Holy Infant Baby Jesus as “tender and mild.” that’s how you describe a hot wing.
My local weather app tells me conditions are good for breathing but tough for running, which fortunately blends perfectly with my skillset.
[getting a number at a bar]
girl: 1-235-813-2134
Fibonacci: you could’ve just said you weren’t interested
My house isn’t messy, it’s whimsical.
I have my own hand stamper at home so my coworkers will think I went someplace fun the night before.
*tying a ton of balloons to my neighbor’s dog* Good boy, Oliver, now take your incessant barking to the sky
Her: I need advice.
Me: (eating cookie dough for breakfast) You came to the right person.
[restaurant]
DATE: [clears throat]
ME: I’m sorry. [handing her placemat and crayons] Did you want to color too?
BILLION DOLLAR IDEA
A giant cinnamon roll that you sleep in, that becomes warm and edible when it’s time to wake up
I’m an Obama supporter but there’s no escaping the harsh truth that Batman v Superman happened on his watch.
You might think I’m flirting, but really those faces are just me trying to get the peanut butter off the roof of my mouth
People who find your stuff, then claim it’s theirs:
1. Colonialists
2. Sisters
You be amazed how many times I’ve been wrong when people say “guess what” ?
[scene of car accident]
bystander: is your baby ok
me: no he’s a complete jerk
Chefs seem obsessed with removing more and more of the original structure of foods:
Salmon mousse
Basil foam
Strawberry dust
Parmesan airWhere does it end?
Venison déjà vu
A memory of broccoli
A vicious rumour about carrots
*shows up to date with horse drawn carriage*
“I’m so surprised!”
Yes it’s a terrible drawing of a carriage but he didn’t have thumbs so
Step 1: Buy a 3D printer.
Step 2: Print a 3D printer.
Step 3: Return the 3D printer.