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In honor of A REAL PAIN hitting theaters, one of my favorite Jesse Eisenberg anecdotes
Volkswagen’s crimes are CHARMING compared to Samsung’s immeasurable noise pollution with their default whistling asshole ringtone.
90% of marriage is one person looking for something where the other said it would be and yelling that it’s not there
If poetry is dead, then explain this:
[before humans were invented]
animals: this is nice
I always cary a clump of my hair in my pocket so when people say, “I like your haircut”, I can respond with, “Thanks. Here, have some.”
SO GOOD NEWS EVERYBODY MY SON HAS LEARNED HOW TO WHISTLE
Could you play us a song?
Cat Stevens: Maybe.
*Sets guitar on table*
Cat Stevens: *Maintains eye contact-slowly pushes guitar off table*
Just Jedi mind tricked my BF into buying me a new phone. Well not really, I had to moan during sex and promised to be nice to his mom.
I have seagull managers. They swoop in, screech like hell, shit all over everything, then fly away.
Apparently this weekend there will be constant rane, hale, gails, drissle, thundre, litnin, hy tydes, tawnaydoes and frizzing colde.
Really bad spell of wether.
My car won’t turn off in the garage unless I check the closet for monster trucks.
I’ve cut my fingernails too short and now I can’t open my shower gel. What’s the point of being well-groomed if I can’t smell like mangos?
[Commercial for commercials]
ever wish it took an hour to watch a 40-minute show?
I woke up today with what appears to be a spider bite. I better get super powers or I’m going to be pissed.
dogs are toddlers
cats are teenagers
LUMINEERS: we have a new song
PRODUCER: what’s it about?
L: deforestation and the loss of natural resources
P: what’s it called?
L: Susan
– grabs leash
– grabs phone
– takes dog out for walk
– pulls out phone
– checks Twitter
– walks dog to South America
The most unbelievable song lyric of all-time is a woman saying “it’s raining men” and another woman following-up with “hallelujah!”
Post Malone isn’t as good at defending his house from the threat of burglars as his brother Ho is
[China]
“You have to get good grades”
KID: But it’s so hard!
“We’re Can-tonese not Cant-tonese”
KID: You gotta admit that’s a bit confusing
Me: Omg it’s soooo hot!
Dog: You want me to sit on you?
My ex sexually identifies with Ramen noodles, he’s done in 3 minutes
Me: lets go get a drink!
Friend: what’s the occasion?
Me: …
Friend: …
Me: I don’t understand the question.
you got mad on your own you can get happy on your own
-me giving a baby advice
Titanic should have been called “Vacation Boyfriend”
i don’t think the t-rex’s arms were that small i just think a frustrated paleontologist grabbed two bones and lied
My biggest fears are:
-running out of chocolate
-running out of coffee
-running out of toilet paper
-running