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I officially know too much trivia. My wife just told me cream of mushroom soup was introduced in 1934, and now I can’t remember her birthday
Pearly whites? I assume you mean my legs.
pet owner’s tip: glue the very tip of your cat’s tail to the center of their back to make a convenient cat-carrying handle.
If you slowly put your fingers in someone’s mouth, they will quit telling you about their day at work.
16: ‘What’s an inheritance tax?’
Me: ‘Nothing you need to be concerned about.’
99% Indians work on the Principle of Rockets.
It doesn’t mean we aim for the sky.
It means, we don’t start work unless our tail is on fire
You ever notice that no one ever posts a story about meeting someone from Twitter in real life because they’re probably in a pit in a basement somewhere putting the lotion in the basket?
Oh your baby’s name is Walter?
Is he close to retirement?
Welcome to your 50s. You’re pretty laid back about everything now –
except when the GODDAMN SQUIRRELS get in your bird feeders with the expensive food with peanuts, pecans, and chunks of suet–I THOUGHT THESE WERE SQUIRRELPROOF FEEDERS!!!!
In my defense, I’m not sure why you kept the bags of quicksand next to the bags of regular sand.
They should fill the airbags with confetti to make car accidents more fun.
*crashes vehicle*
“OMG, my legs! Hey, a party!”
*dies smiling*
Cartoons falsely taught me to expect encountering an unimaginable amount of anvils in my day to day life
I’ve walked so much today my pigeons are killing me
“How do you compete in fencing if you don’t have a sword?”
“I just dodge the other guy’s attacks.”
“You’re missing the point.”
“That’s the idea!”
I’m a show off but not drive around with Christmas lights on my car show off
And that’s when I realized it was a cop car
One time a girl told me to take off her shirt and I was like wow ok it doesn’t really fit me anyway.
The body is 70% water..
So cool, you’re not fat you’re just flooded..
DOG: [running in circles trying to catch his own tail] SON OF A
DOG’S PREGNANT WIFE: *looks up from knitting* Son of a what, David? Say it
I hate when you have 47 items and the cashier asks, “Do you need a bag?” Oh no, I’m heading right back to the circus, so I’ll just juggle all this shit for 6 miles”
“In my years of practice I’ve done the same man’s divorce 3 times, twice from the same wife.”
New client, “So you’re saying there’s hope?”
Volunteer firefighter battles a house fire until 2 am and still goes to work at 6am.
Me: Wakes up at 7 am and contemplates whether to use a smiling or grinning emoji.
Damn, i got hit with the “we need to talk” from my wife. Thank God it was just about divorce. I was scared shitless it was an intervention.
Nothing good can come out of answering your landline.
clean window: [exists]
toddlers: what’s that taste like
Einstein was wrong. The real definition of insanity is trying to clean your house when you have children.
I will never sell out my integrity unless I am offered something for it.
I’m nearly qualified to be a weaver. My final exam is looming.
You’re 11. RT @pepsi: A Pepsi party means _____. #LiveForNow
A cat is the animal equivalent of the girl who hated you for no reason in high school.
My dad will drive six hours to avoid a three dollar ATM fee