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beef jerky is more expensive than regular beef pound-for-pound so my salary should increase when i’m dehydrated it’s simple economics
Woke up this morning and the alarm clock was laughing at me….then I realized it was upside down and the time was 7:07
I may disagree with what you say, but I will defend to the death this little fort I made out of mashed potato with gravy as a moat and the carrots are cannons. Sorry, what were you saying?
If Bear Grylls married Chuck E. Cheese they would be the Grylls-Cheese family.
I would love to be British. Drinking my leaf water and staring at a huge clock from my red phone booth, adding extra letters to wourds.
You look stressed, let me pour you a hot cup of pasta.
I don’t think putting that ouija board on a grave will help you catch a better signal
Pro-tip for couples suddenly working from home together: Get yourselves an imaginary coworker to blame things on. In our apartment, Cheryl keeps leaving her dirty water cups all over the place and we really don’t know what to do about her.
“The Walking Dad,” but it’s just a guy walking around the house turning off lights and muttering that he’s “not made of money”
[boarding plane]
ME: Shotgun!
COPILOT: Can he do that?
PILOT: Looks like you’re in economy today, Ted.
COPILOT: *clenching fists* Damnit.
Marriot: We charge about $400 a night
The Ritz: We charge about $1100 a night
Any American Hospital: You fools. You absolute peasants
Me: Gluten Morgen!
Wife: You made waffles, didn’t you?
Me: *in my breakfast lederhosen* Ja!
Roomba should have a laundry function where it goes around your house picking up clothes off the floors and delivers them to your washing machine.
[first day as a weatherman]
ANCHOR: sounds like cold weather may be on the way, Brandon, whats this i hear about three inches?
ME: *nervously adjusting tie* i’ve been told it’s an adequate amount Jim
In a parallel universe nobody can park.
I fucking love letting emergency vehicles past on blue lights. I try to make it as easy as possible for them, to the point that I hope they drive past and think ‘wow, he’s done a great job of getting out the way’
I’ve been told in the past that training with cats was difficult. It’s really not. Mine had me trained within a day.
When I withdrew cash from the ATM, it asked what denominations I wanted so I chose Baptist, Methodist and Presbyterian.
Just added something to my bucket list.
Who’s the idiot that called it “The Wizard of Oz” and not “The Flair Witch Project”?
While I was finally sleeping peacefully (adjusting to the 6 hr time diff), my husband got up, knocked over a suitcase, accidentally turned on every light in this hotel room, went to the bathroom, and then came back to bed and fell immediately back to sleep. So, I’m AWAKE NOW.
I cringe when teens brag about taking girls to pound town because adopting a puppy together is a huge responsibility.
I’ve been sleeping w my laundry for like 4 days
We are dating
The problem with movies, today, is that Shrek isn’t in all of them.
[kids fighting in the back seat]
ME: I SWEAR TO GOD I WILL PULL OVER AND START A PODCAST RIGHT NOW IF YOU 2 DON’T CUT IT OUT.
ME: It’s a vampire movie set in ancient Rome
PRODUCER: Keep talking
ME: called Vladiator
HIM: Get out
[prison]
So, what are you in for?
*flashes back to trying to collect and breed crows*
“Attempted murder”
Take your glasses off. Hold them up to a light to see if they’re dirty. Now try to do it with your mouth closed.
In six days god created heaven and earth. On the seventh day he checked the comments and replies, and got the idea for hell.
[Cute Girl]: *in hot tub* Hey baby. Why don’t you come join me?
[Lobster]: No I’m good over here. That’s how my dad died.