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My optometrist: Well, it’s normal as you age for…
I don’t know what he said after that.😑
[French restaurant]
DANIEL: Promise me, not again
MIYAGI: Promise. [raises hand] Garcon?
[waiter comes]
D: Don-
M: [waves hand] Garcoff
Calm down white moms on dish detergent commercials, no wife is EVER that excited about dishes. Ever.
Watson: “Holmes, why are you wrapped in a thin aluminium sheet?”
Holmes: “DAMMIT, FOILED AGAIN!”
“Evolution-schmevolution!”
-Bill DeNye, the Non-Science Guy
I’ve lost more friends to Candy Crush than Crystal Meth.
I love my family: I bought a really cool green gourd at the grocery store on the way to the beach & everyone’s first thought is we need to do a photo shoot of the gourd on the beach
[first date]
-so how do you feel about octopus?
Her: I like em
-Whew! [lets other six arms fall out of shirt]
was trying to insult someone and my phone corrected it to “ducklord”. now he is the ducklord & i am powerless against his mallard onslaught
A song called “Baby It’s Not *THAT* Cold Outside” where I’m just trying to get the lady to leave
Best Halloween decoration so far. 😅
Real jealous of all the bears getting fat and preparing to sleep for months
[talking to son on the phone]
“I ran away 3 weeks. You never called the police”
I’m sorry. We’ve been very busy with the holidays and all.
Me: for my first wish I want 20 dollars
Genie: done. and your second?
Me: infinite money
Genie: no can do
Me: *slips him my first wish* how about now
[Reading of my will]
To my children I leave my vast collection of pants, which over the years we have affectionately referred to as your
*Everyone says simultaneously
“Our jeanetic inheritance”
If you’re getting dirty looks because your baby is crying loudly on a plane, start crying even louder and everyone will avoid eye contact
(Watching him change a flat tire)
Him: Grab the jack. We’re gonna need it
Me: We sure will
(Hands him the bottle)
Him: The CAR jack
Looking for a nice bog witch to settle down with
Just seen a really sad documentary on the telly about a guy who works 60 hours a week crushing drink cans. It was soda pressing.
Some call it alcoholism, I call it “keeping my emotions hydrated”
therapist: *holds up inkblot test* what do u see
me: a therapist with no professional boundaries shoving their shitty art into my face
therapist: please take this seriously.
me: ok it’s a car
therapist: no it’s us holding hands :/
☠️ ☠️
I can’t get enough of these Labor Day Sales, you guys! I bought 25 mattresses!
Everybody talks about sweet dreams but I’m over here hoping yours are savory.
I must be getting old.
The haircut I need is in my nose.
[crime scene]
ROOKIE COP: but why would a chicken kill himself?
DETECTIVE: *lowers shades* to get to the other side
*rookie cop vomits*
i want the dreams to chase me for once
Sure, I want to find that perfect for me relationship, but experience has taught me it’s probably cupcakes.
*opens fortune cookie*
there’s rice on your face
*grabs wifes and opens it*
still there
*grabs one from next table*
I can do this all night