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What idiot called it a successful vasectomy and not getting out of the gene pool
i’m not celebrating labor day tomorrow. i’m gonna sit on my ass
I wonder why they don’t like me using the label maker
[i sweetly pet a wild baby deer in my lap] aww this is so boring
I had the most impatient and rudest cashier.
I’m never using self-checkout again.
My Merriam-Webster app just caught me looking up a definition on Google 😬
Bought my daughter a cheap ‘Miss Piggy’ purse but sadly it was very pork wallety.
Court clerk: Are you here about your hearing?
Me: No my hearing’s fine, I think it’s that murder I did
By 5, the human child can walk and feed itself, but doesn’t yet stray from home, as it relies on parents for tablet charging and maintenance
Me: [giving eulogy] He was a good man. He was a kind man. He was born to the blade, and merciless. He had a secret robot arm that shot out the side of his head. He was nine inches tall and invisible on Tuesdays. He wanted you to know the truth let go of me they need to hear this
I’ll be with you every day, always and forever.
Me: you are laundry, stop talking
Me: I’m a mature adult woman who can handle anything
Also me: *has to pack my blankie wherever I go or I can’t sleep*
Me: Leaving early. Taking my kid to an appointment
Boss: No, you’ve played your last kid card
Me: *slides kid card out from sleeve and slams it down on desk*
Boss: Sonofa
We’d been planning on using the $1.3 million from Jeopardy to buy a house, but now I’m thinking maybe I’ll just hold on to it for a year or two and then use it to buy Twitter
One of my favorite scientific discoveries in recent years is that among domesticated animals, dogs recognize the difference between themselves and people, but cats just think the people who live with them are terrible incompetent cats
This kitten is just what my house needed.
Another female that doesn’t listen to me.
Before a PhD: I don’t know.
After a PhD: That is outside the scope of my current knowledge.
I only do cardio because it’s impossible to stalk someone you can’t keep up with.
cat: *plays fiddle*
cow: *jumps over moon*
dishes: *run away*
farmer: *sets down bong*
Preowned Jaguar for sale. Beloved family member, excellent shape. Wife forced me to put her up for sale after she (the jaguar) ate the kids.
Unfortunately, Superman won’t be able to fight Dracula this evening…
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He won’t go near the crypt tonight.
Me: Holy shit I have so much to do
[Has a snack]
[Takes a nap]
[Watches 11 videos of UFO sightings on YouTube] l
[Stares at a tree]
Holy shit I have so much to do
[Has a snack]
Not surprised to find out I’ve lost my job at the graffiti removal company. The writing’s been on the wall for a while now.
Please join me in a moment of silence for the wasabi almond that just rolled under my fridge. Godspeed, little buddy. We shall meet again when it’s time to get a new refrigerator and not a moment sooner. Give my best to your new blueberry friends.
Someone needs to break it to my cat that she is not a security guard and my bathroom is not a VIP section.
To make sure I don’t cheat, my wife got me into cryptocurrency and that’s all I want to talk about with women now.
Just got off the phone with my mom.
She had a good chat.Unrelated, there are 1273 Cheerios left in this box.
Publix cake decorators should get $50/hr
If you love something, let it go. If it comes back to you you may be in love with a boomerang.