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I can’t believe I live in a world where our only defense against a blizzard is buying extra milk.
my grandma has declared she is “93 and over it” and no one has the heart to tell her she is actually 102
ok ladies and gentlemen of the jury, before i get any farther along in my testimony, i would like for you to take a moment to recognize the “jurors are beautiful” shirt i am wearing
I woke from a nap once and jumped in shock and freaked out the cat who ran off and was going crazy making weird noises trying to get away and was all confused… ok backstory… I don’t own a cat
who wants to come over and snake my drain this weekend?
(this is not a euphemism I am standing in two inches of bathwater)
ST BERNARD DOG: [getting ready for work] Honey have you seen my barrel?
WIFE: Which one?
SBD: The little one I wear AROUND MY NECK EVERY DAY
[interview at the Pringles factory]
BOSS: why do you wanna work here?
TENNIS BALL: {don’t say to take back the tubes} uhh i love curvy chips
2022 will be better than 2021
I don’t like the person I become when my boss tells me I should be working while at work
When your teen is already bigger than you are…
These eyebrows are not my children but I will certainly raise them
Honey is one of my favorite kinds of animal vomits to eat.
wish this weren’t a scam text. would love to go
Shepherd’s pie is the ratio of a shepherd’s circumference to its diameter
4-yr-old saw picture of me pregnant.
I explain that she was inside me. She thought for a bit then said:
“I never want to do that again.”
my kids teacher via zoom: division is multiplication backwards
me: (in distant background) holy shit.
It’s weird when the label on a jar of food boldly declares something you thought was a minimum requirement: NOW WITH LESS SAWDUST
My rings were getting loose so I gained ten pounds.
I like it when squirrels pop their dumb heads up in the middle of the street like “did I lock the tree?”
Contrary to popular belief, when I call tech support, I don’t know what the Indian dude is saying either.
Me: It’s Celine Dion riding a unicorn
Tattoo artist: You know these are permanent right?
Why do bad things happen to good people? To even out the good things that happen to bad people.
Opened the lint filter on my dryer after washing my dog’s bedding and another dog fell out.
lawyer: hey can you fax that over to me?
Me: sorry we don’t do fax where I am
lawyer: where are you?
me: 2018
I’ll have a salad but on top of a burger with cheese
“So you want a cheeseburger?”
Yes but when you bring it to me say here’s your salad
When you gaze into the abyss sometimes the abyss pats you gently on the hand and says she’s just not that into you.
Being friends with introverts is hard sometimes. Did they die? Are they just recharging? Are they batman now? The suspense is killing me.
What do you call a monkey in a mine field?
A babooom!
Somebody in my gang is an undercover police horse. I’ve narrowed it down to Dave, Kyle and Sugarcube
NURSE: do you have any allergies
ME: burnt bread
NURSE: you’re allergic to burnt bread?
ME: yes I’m black toast intolerant