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@haleysfalling

hi yes i’d like a vodka salad please

“you mean a bloody mary”

yeah yeah whatever just hurry it up

@noog

[5 year old tugs on pant leg]
Daddy if time stops at the speed of light then photons aren’t actually moving, so is everything we see a lie?

@dog_feelings

the human just came home. smelling like another dog. this isn’t a problem. i’m totally not upset. if anybody needs me. i’ll be over here. wondering what i ever did to deserve this

@QwertyJones3

[Speed dating]

HER: I’m really into astronomy

ME: the moon follows me when I drive

@davetureq

Ever since they started calling pole dancers “artists,” I’ve been writing on my resume that my talents include “moving in artistic circles.”

@JessiCanadian

My dog could not protect the house from robbers if they brought a vacuum cleaner.

@ArfMeasures

Her: Tell me what you want

Me: A burrito

Her: No!! Tell me what you want in bed

Me: Oh! *gets in bed* a burrito

@FannyB1tch

Word of the day – Obama. I opened a bottle of brandy and drank it Obama self.

@squirrel74wkgn

[looking through my closet]

Girlfriend: Omg, where did you get all of this amazing vintage clothing?

Me: 1991

@theshamingofjay

Forgot my Fitbit because it was charging and now it’s like I walked for no reason.