My husband proposed two days after Valentine’s day so that every year he could get me discounted flowers and chocolates on the anniversary instead of the holiday
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ME: Not gonna make it in today. I hurt my updog.
BOSS: What’s updog?
ME: Nothing much, prolly just gonna take a nap.
Just as a wedding ring tells others you’re married,
the mysterious brown stain on my shirt and rogue booger in my hair says “I’m a mom”.
I’m not saying my kids undermine my authority, mainly because they’ve not given me permission to.
Confuse them by retweeting their worst tweet.
Good Cop: why is your baby crying
Mom: he just won’t take a nap
Pun Cop: looks like he’s
Good Cop: if u say resisting a rest i swear to god
Co-worker: Do you know why there is water on the floor?
Me: Yes, but I don’t have time right now to explain fluid dynamics and stagnation points.
Me: *drops toddler off at gym daycare*
DC: Which room will you be working out in?
Me: None of them, I just need to take a shower.
Just found out the hard way that nude yoga is only acceptable when the entire class is doing it
I’m the kind of girl that likes to wake up. Hear the birds chirping. And throw my coffee at them.
[first day as a bank manager]
Customer: I’d like a car loan
Me: I’m not lending you my car
Okay this nightmare isn’t going to realize itself
recipe: 1/4 cup fresh cilantro
cilantro at the store: here’s a bouquet. i’ll be rotten tomorrow
Me high af: are you in line?
Mannequin:
me: hit me, daddy
poker dealer: don’t call me that
Just enjoy your meal and DO NOT think about where that turkey baster has been.
Yelling, “get off my lawn!” at the landscapers just to confuse them.
TRUTHFUL TUESDAY:
When my son was 7 he pissed me off so badly I pressed all the elevator buttons knowing every new rider would blame him.
Whenever I am with my family and someone says, “Wow, you have a beautiful family!” I reply, “Well, we left the ugly ones at home.”
Therapist: ‘Strange. Weird. Odd.’
Me: ‘Am I paying for this?’
oh my god
My kid was mad at me and said, why don’t you CROCHET!?? and it made me laugh…and made her madder.
Hey baby, just call me Uranium because I’m:
-Solid
-Highly dense
-Pale in color
-Flexible
-I’ll probably poison you if you hang around me too long.—me flirting with a chemist
Wife: our friends won’t call us back cuz they’re sick of your conspiracy theories and seafood puns
Me: maybe they were all abducted by UFOs, seems awfully fishy to me
CAR SALESMAN: How can I help you?
ME: I’m looking to immediately lose money on a terrible investment.
CAR SALESMAN: That’s my specialty.
Started playing with the self-retracting cord on my vacuum to find out how much weight it can pull; long story short, I’m Batman now.
[inventor of frisbee]
“I hate this plate”
FRIEND WHO JUST GOT BIT BY A VERY VENOMOUS SPIDER: Hurry, the antidote!
ME: This reminds me of a time
FRIEND: No, not an anecdote! *Dies*
Me: “God! I hate people!”
God: “Yeah, me too.”
Welcome back to another episode of Did I Close the Ziplock Bag Properly?