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hi yes i’d like a vodka salad please

“you mean a bloody mary”

yeah yeah whatever just hurry it up


[5 year old tugs on pant leg]
Daddy if time stops at the speed of light then photons aren’t actually moving, so is everything we see a lie?


the human just came home. smelling like another dog. this isn’t a problem. i’m totally not upset. if anybody needs me. i’ll be over here. wondering what i ever did to deserve this


[Speed dating]

HER: I’m really into astronomy

ME: the moon follows me when I drive


Ever since they started calling pole dancers “artists,” I’ve been writing on my resume that my talents include “moving in artistic circles.”


My dog could not protect the house from robbers if they brought a vacuum cleaner.


Her: Tell me what you want

Me: A burrito

Her: No!! Tell me what you want in bed

Me: Oh! *gets in bed* a burrito


Word of the day – Obama. I opened a bottle of brandy and drank it Obama self.


[looking through my closet]

Girlfriend: Omg, where did you get all of this amazing vintage clothing?

Me: 1991


Forgot my Fitbit because it was charging and now it’s like I walked for no reason.