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Me: {drops lungs at dry cleaners} Moderate bleach, light press, air dry, and fluff before pick up my good man
Quick reminder that the Twilight saga is about the classic teen angst of choosing between bestiality and necrophilia
One of my biggest fear is being chased by Usain Bolt during zombie apocalypse.
And the award for Best Actress goes to…*opens envelope*….my 4 year old daughter for her overly-dramatic scene in “Bath Time”.
Handed a date my phone so he could pick a place for takeout and Postmates showed him a huge popup that said I ordered soup dumplings 3 days straight then basically said I was the #1 dumpling orderer in the city and asked if I wanted to send a personal message to the restaurant
Word of the day:
Auspicious – Adjective – Favorable or suggestive of future success.
Not to be confused with awwspicious, an adjective meaning “suspiciously adorable.”
As in, “That corgi with the rusty knife in his mouth is so awwspicious!”
Just got an email from dominoes said “easy and delicious” they sure know how to talk to a single guy!
A comic by Hugleikur Dagsson
This cop is parked illegally behind me with his lights on, I’m going to say something.
There’s this dude who every day jogs past my house. He seems to be getting slower. Tomorrow I’m going to stand outside and blast ‘Eye of the Tiger’ to give him some incentive
[blind date]
Me: [text] I’m down at the end of the bar, wearing a suit
Her: *looks*
Me: *wearing hazmat suit, waves with gloved hand*
My dog stepped in the pumpkin pie. I’m serving it anyway.
Girls take a picture of their legs in a bubble bath and say “guess where I am”
The library?
My wife hates snakes. But if they sold snakes at Target, we’d probably have a few snakes.
Judging by this sunburn, I’d say the sunscreen I lathered on earlier was SPF goddamn liar.
Saw a homeless white girl begging for money. I didn’t give her any, because I know how they are, always blowing it on Starbucks.
true friends will unglue your lips from your leg when DIY waxing goes terribly wrong
So proud of myself…6 whole months without smoking! Today I was able to ride the elevator all the way to the top without getting winded.
Can’t get a girl? Rip out your rib and make your own! Critics are raving “this doesn’t work” and “I’m bleeding to death”.
Cute Internet Girl: This guy is pretty funny, I think I’ll fol-
Me: *Human Cannonballs my way into her living room* HELLO!
Please don’t ask me what I’m doing this weekend without first making it clear whether or not you’re going to invite me to something that I’m going to have to make up a lie to get out of
I can understand why chickens wake up and scream
I’ve been ill with night terrors, nausea, dizziness, hunger pains, cry fits, and a stutter. According to Web MD, I have a date tonight.
friend: should i have kids?
me: my kids are currently outside barking back at the neighbors dog for 10 minutes now. 0 stars do not recommend.
My boss asked me why I’m late, apparently answering “because your wife wouldn’t let me get out of bed” just gets you sent to HR.
her voice was as silky as silken tofu. but her words were as firm as extra firm tofu
[Rose from Titanic teaching her kid to ride a bike]
*holding back of seat* I’ll never let go
[2 seconds later]
*lets go*
Taking a road trip with my toddler made me realize that I do in fact negotiate with terrorists.
If you lie down on the floor in McDonald’s you get to meet the manager
[funeral]
Her: why is my dead grandfather wearing a diamond ring?
*sliding it off his finger*
Me: *gets down on one knee* because babe…