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Overheard at the pool:
Grandma: what do you want the baby to be? a brother or sister?
*long pause*
3 year old: a cat
Hi, I would like to file a complaint against everything.
As it may promote gay propaganda & non traditional sex, pictures from my workout this afternoon will not be published.
INTERVIEWER: Why do you want to work here?
ME: *crumbs tumbling from my mouth* Oh, I don’t. I was just walking by and saw you had donuts.
[interview]
THEM: what would you say if i gave you money from the register and told you to keep it?
ME: thank you.
Frankenstein’s monster is on a date.
Her: “So, are you religious?”
Him: “I’m part Catholic.”
Her: “On your father’s or mother’s side?”
Him: “Neither, it’s my left foot.”
#FrankensteinFriday #RubbishJokes
healthy as a horse? they literally can’t walk down the street without shitting themselves but sure, ok
Kid: would you rather be the Evil Queen or the Wicked Witch?
M: I’d rather be the Mom
K: ooh, right. Much scarier.
I walked into a gas station & a woman handed me a free slice of pizza
Either Iowa is the nicest state in America or I’ve just been poisoned
My son was provoking me by repeatedly shoving a dirty leaf into his mouth so I offered him “special eating leaves” and now he’s a 4yo enjoying a bowl of salad for dinner
“these Kate Middleton pics will silence internet critics” I don’t think u understand how badly you’ve fucked this. there are now people on the internet who could SHAKE HER HAND and still claim she’s four cats in a wig
It’s ok computer, I go to sleep after 20 minutes of inactivity too.
i think i understand why rhinos are going extinct
Booked a non-refundable train ticket, sadly had to cancel the trip. Accepted I would lose the train fare. As luck would have it the train I was due to travel on got cancelled. So applied for a refund even though I’d no intention of travelling. It’s the small wins.
Last weekend my partner wanted to go to one of those restaurants where they make the food right in front of you.
I took us to Subway..that’s how the fight started
how to achieve the perfect smokey eye: apply eyeliner yesterday
God’s son died single, but he’ll help you find your match on Christian Mingle.
Nature abhors a vacuum. And dogs. Dogs also abhor a vacuum.
5-year-old: I wish we all had infinity dollars
Me: That’d wreck the economy
5: I just-
Me: Go to your room until you understand inflation
guy: you wanna take this outside?
me: yeah, let’s do this
[we take the raspberry lemonade out back and have a simply lovely afternoon]
As a child, I thought that more recipes would call for Eyes Of Newt…
Any time someone says “have you seen that YouTube video?”
I always say yes……… Because otherwise they make you watch it on their phone
Me: *walks up to Walgreens cashier with a pack of condoms* Excuse me, where are your fitting rooms?
*Husband using Ouija board after I’ve died*
Please answer me
*arrow moves*
“It’s on the top shelf. Right there. RIGHT THERE! Use your eyes!”
when wolves raise a human child no one cares, but when i raise a wolf as my child and send it to elementary school everyone freaks out
I think High School birth control classes should just be forcing the students to watch videos of me taking my 3 kids to the grocery store
Sadly, my universal remote control does not control the universe, not even remotely.
EVERYBODY NEEDS TO STOP WHAT THEY ARE DOING RIGHT NOW AND ACKNOWLEDGE THE FACT THAT I HAVE JUST SEEN A BEAVER.
Mom: Some stranger keeps answering your land line.
Me: That’s because I haven’t had a land line in 7 years, Ma.
I am criminally attractive*
*attractive to criminals