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Putting a child in a stroller is not that hard but putting the same child in a car seat is one of the hardest things a human can do and requires 8-10 business months of rest to recover from.
I’m so single even my husband won’t match with me on tinder..
If you’re going to give someone a piece of your mind, make sure you can spare it.
I always eat the whole pizza cause I don’t like to half love anything.
Na Fa Fo Na Na Fo Fo -Sassy black girl giving me her digits.
excuse me
things are bad enough, today i’m playing goodminton
me: wheres the 13th floor?
builder: we skip it in all our buildings
me: what why
builder:
me:
builder: *embarrassed* too spooky
“Holy infant so tender and mild.”
-cannibals
[Movie: Romance]
Him: [*At Airline Ticketing Counter] I need to get on the next flight to NY to tell my soulmate I love her!
Airline Clerk: That’ll be $4,433.56…
Him: K… forget it…
I hope you folks are recycling correctly
Them: We’ve made this idiot proof
Me, an idiot: *Immediately screws it up*
“This is a masterpiece!”
“This, too is a masterpiece!”
“Another masterpiece!”My dog, to every blade of grass in the same yard every morning while I’m late for work.
You repeat the same mistakes expecting different results. I do this also
We are not the sane
You did. You thought of vanilla with meat, you absurd rutabaga. Go put yourself in the corner and think about what you’ve done, while blaming the recipe author for your own stupidity.
(Recipe was for Hamburger Steak with Onions and Gravy)
They must have had a really good laugh when doctors realized that thermometers could be taken orally too.
me opening up to someone
I get my Kung Fu skills from taking off a sweaty sports bra after a workout.
When I was a medical student, another med student asked, “Why are we admitting this guy to psychiatry for hearing voices? Everyone hears voices all the time.”
I think about this a lot.
If you keep your curtains open at night, please know I WILL slow down as I drive by to critique your decorating and see what you’re watching.
DA: Where r my legal briefs?
Paralegal *hands him his boxers*
Judge: lol
Jury: We’re hung
Judge: ha!
DA: Balls in your court
Judge: DO MORE!
Smooth criminal but it’s just me opening a bag of chips after everyone’s in bed.
Birthday Card Discreetly Passed Around Office Like Some Sort Of Covert CIA Operation
Please be more careful with your tacos. I just found them in my mouth.
I saw a car flipped over on the way to work and I was envious because they probably get to take the day off
me: hi do you take walk-ins
the morgue: what
Me: How would you feel about me dating a guy only 7 years older than you?
My Son, then 18: Depends. What kind of video game system does he own? Will he let me borrow it?
Me:
My Son: Does he own a motorcycle & will he let me drive it?
Me:
My Son: Can I call him “New Dad”?
Windows
The pandemic has made it nearly impossible for me to get piggyback rides from strangers, so I’m really over it.