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I am not saying I am way behind on laundry but the fact that my husband is wearing swim trunks around the house today sure does
children: Are those Giant spiders going to eat us?
Dumbledore: Check out this toast that butters itself!
I found £20 laying on the ground and I asked myself, what would Jesus do? 🤔
So, I turned it into wine.
I’m like the lemon seed that sinks to the bottom of your water glass and then shoots up your straw unexpectedly, trying to choke you.
I found if you put the right stickers on your cooler and walk as fast as you can they’ll let you in any part of the hospital you want.
4 y.o: I used the potty. Can I have a treat?
Me: No. You always go in the potty
4: I can stop
Me:
Apparently I negotiate with terrorists
If you can moonwalk out of a police station without bumping into anything they have to drop all charges.
It’s not rude to hand visitors a timer when they show up, right??
Is 4 too young to release your kid out into the wild?
Me: I’ve spent a whole quarter of this year isolated inside of my house.
Friend: I know. Lockdown has been really tough.
Me: What lockdown?
“Do you like Tolstoy?”
“Of course. Who doesn’t?”
“What’s your favourite book?”
“The one where Woody is kidnapped & Buzz tries to save him”.
Jim: You have a Fantasy Football team?
Me: Guys aren’t my thing. But, Tom Brady’s kinda cute.
Jim: No, I-
Me: Ooh! Cam Newton’s dreamy, too!
[spelling bee]
“Your word is stupid”
ME: Well give me a different one then
“No, that’s your word…stupid”
ME: Maybe you’re the stupid one
Reasons why i never let my girlfriend touch my iPhone. 1) I don’t have iPhone. 2) I don’t have a girlfriend.
FACEBOOK: join your friends at these events that might interest you nearby
ME: not today satan
Jesus: and when there was but 1 set of footprints, there I carried u
Me: (checks fitbit) ok, phew, it counted the steps, I still got credit
Being nice is exhausting, which is why evil people have so much energy.
Me: I’m PMSing and everyone bugs me.
Husband: You should do the Calm app.
Me: You should do the STFU app.
If a woman expects you to open the door for her, it’s a massive red flag. Never date a girl who doesn’t know how to work a knob.
Call Me crazy, but the ideal number of times a Pope should have once been a member of the Nazi Youth is zero.
During a zombie apocalypse, establish dominance by approaching the baddest zombie with the snappiest teeth and braid his hair.
[FBI raid]
Pig gangster: “Who squealed?”
“Be a deer, would ya” she says, mounting your head on the wall.
Don’t let Hollywood fool you. I was in an orphanage for 13 yrs and we only broke into a song & choreographed dance twice
Me: Hello darkness my old friend
Darkness: please stop calling me that. My name is Susan
If Satan isn’t real then why am I in a group text with my family
I don’t need money to buy happiness. I’m already happy. I just want the monies.
I’m sick of diarrhea. I want to livarrhea.
“I raised you better than that!!!!” you very obviously did not