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how did ur grandpa get dementia and forget EVERYTHING except the racism
I’m going to subtly spread my brownie crums across your car because I silently resent you for changing the song.
Me: how much for the goth harmonica?
Store Clerk: that’s a cheese grater
My favorite thing about all the people waiting in line for the new iPhones is for those hours the rest of the world is a better place.
Listen son, you know how you find an awesome song & you listen to it over and over again until you hate it? Well, I’m leaving your mother.
Me: *unfreezes cro-magnon woman I uncover on an arctic expedition*
Cro-magnon woman: “I have a boyfriend.”
ME (at a bar where everybody knows my name): Hey—
EVERYBODY: DAVE! Get out of here.
Dear Ad Agencies,
Please stop using doorbells in your TV commercials.
On behalf of dog owners everywhere,
Thanks!
Schools spent time teaching us things like quadratic formula and not how to split a check with one person who only has PayPal, someone who only has Venmo, another person who only has Zelle, and nobody has any cash.
My twins both have hiccups at the same time and I’m over here hoping it’s not the eighth sign of the apocalypse
What’s the purpose of hanging plants on your porch? Is it a warning to the other plants in the neighborhood that you’re not a house to be trifled with?
The room quiets as you pick up a pen. You are left-handed and perhaps the first one they’ve ever seen in the wild.
I used to watch the Olympics on TV as a child and dream of growing up and also watching the Olympics on TV but on a better TV.
We can probably reopen restaurants right now if we all use feed bags
This came to me in a dream.
Lady at my gym is pedaling a stationary bike while eating chips right out of the bag. I’m hiring her as my personal trainer.
When you’re being watched by a group of people and you’re like… is this how I normally walk? this feels weird, wtf are you doing, legs?
Instead of saying you’re gluten intolerant, just say you go against the grain.
I think my favorite sammich is ice cream
Valet parking is cool because obviously I didn’t spend the last five years meticulously fine-tuning the positions of my seat, steering wheel, and mirrors, by all means please do just shove everything wherever you want it for the one minute you’ll be driving my car
Last year my ex and I dressed as opposing political parties for Halloween… best hate sex we ever had.
Don’t ever forget where you came from. That’s where you left your car.
*Interrogation Room*
Detective: We know you took the teeth and the dental records.
….
Detective: Look, I’m just trying to do my job here.
Tooth Fairy: So am I!
The problem with parental controls is I need my kid to help me figure out how to set them up
The other day a number of people at work told me that I had a lovely healthy glow about me and had caught the sun a little. I was far too embarrassed to tell them it was actually a rather uncomfortable eczema flare up
When your toilet is getting married, what’s the appropriate gift?
REASONS I’M NOT IN A BAND:
4. I don’t play any instruments
3. Band practice could affect my karate career
2. My karate rivals might hide inside our tour bus and sneak attack me as I relax
1. High risk of groupies falling in love with me and distracting me from my karate training
Me: Can I have a Batmobile?
Santa: Be realistic.
Me: Ok, pass my Masters & get a good job?
Santa: I’ll leave the Batmobile in the garage.
I needed a break from stupidity so I left work early.
I don’t need a boyfriend, I need someone to roll me up in a carpet and throw me off a cliff.