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Me: I got a job interview next week.
Wife: Great news. You should update your wardrobe.
Me: Okay.. *to the wardrobe* I got a job interview next week.
RAPUNZEL: oh no I’m out of hair
JOHNNY DEPP: *unraveling scarves* I got this
Two strangers on the subway just got into a political argument and now I can see they’re each writing Facebook posts about it
Army recruiter: “Do you have what it takes to destroy the enemies of our nation?”
Me: *Using recruiter’s mug to peacefully relocate a spider
“Oh absolutely, I’m a killing machine.”
Apparently my hub is a 92 yr old trapped in a younger body. He just referred to you guys as my Pinstagram friends.
Teens be like, “You know that crumbled up piece of paper that’s been on the table all week? I need it for school.”
My husband says I’m not heavy enough to make an impact when I stand on him to massage him so I now have the perfect excuse to eat all the cake
This seems like a really, really bad idea.
*jumps in with both feet*
If someone overtakes me when I’m walking, I match their speed so it looks like I’ve got friends.
When I was a kid, we jumped fences, biked without helmets & drank out of public water fountains.
It was a dangerous time, full of microbes.
Another previously unknown dinosaur was the Thesaurus who used flowery language to confuse and disorient predators while he made his escape
Condoleeza Rice’s less successful sister is Apartmentleeza Rice.
*Wife screams*
“THERES A RACCOON IN THE HOUSE. GET IT OUT”
*I approach, raccoon cracks it’s knuckles. I turn around*
“It’s his house now”
Very, very few humans have walked on the lunar surface. You might say that they’re in the moonority.
feeling melancholy. think I’ll have a drink and make things much worse
one day, after your children have moved out, you realize it was your husband who you needed to hide the good cookies from all along
I’ve banned my kid from his X Box today so he’s gone to a barn on the outskirts of town to dance out his frustrations.
TRUMP: Millions of Draculas are entering our country illegally from Transylvania. The security of our nation is a stake!
this is funnier than any friends episode
If you don’t laugh EVERY time my phones screams..
“BRING OUT YOUR DEAD!”
We probably won’t be hiding a body together any time soon.
Me: More fur & these cute little whisk-
Police Sketch artist: you’re describing a cat
Me: please his birthday is today & he loves portraits
Am I religious? Not really.
Am I praying nobody else pukes tonight? Lord yes.
*wakes up at the crack of Dawn*
*instantly regrets drunk dialing Dawn last night*
Hey girl are you Bruschetta because you give me aggressive heartburn and i cant pronounce your name
Daughter: Finally got a workout in today.
Me: Where? The basement?
Daughter: No, up in my room.
Me: What did you do? An obstacle course?
Daughter:
The enemy of my frenemy is my frenenemy
She was rare. Like a rap collab in a pop song that made sense.
They charge you for the groceries and then they charge you for the toilet paper when you turn the groceries into poop. Open your eyes
Shutdown Apocalypse Update: Hearing now that the government closed the Grand Canyon. Not sure if they roll a tarp over it or how that works.
Pizza Hut is going gluten free so while you are dying from a heart attack you can atleast not have gas problems