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the closest I’ve ever come to a threesome was when I was mowing the lawn and I got hit in the face by two dragonflies having sex in mid air
Thanks to a fan for this one!
drive-thru worker: would you like to make that large?
me: haha no thanks i need you to make it
Miss 9 trips over something and bangs her jaw on the bed.
Ohh no, how come you’re so clumsy I ask just as I bump my own head on a door frame.
Absolutely no one:
The ice maker in my refrigerator: I HAVE A VOICE AND MUST BE HEARD
If you love something keep it in the refrigerator, keep it fresh, that thing you love is a lot like mayonnaise.
Dad owl: I’m dying so I need you to look after things. I’m going to give you-
Son owl: Don’t say it
Dad: Power of a tawny
Son: [turns head]
“I think I stepped in some upchuck”
What’s up, Chuck?
“Not much, but my name’s not Chuck”
*vomits*
professor x: whats your superpower?
ostrich: i lay big egg
professor x [telepathically to x-men]: i can save us money on breakfast
ostrich [telepathically]: egg no for sale
a dishwasher safe would have to be a really big safe
A near death experience but it’s just me waiting for my 7yo to pick out a souvenir
I’m not saying I drink a lot of wine but I am saying my dentist sent me flowers for switching from red wine to white.
WORM: Why do caterpillars think they are better than us?
OTHER WORM: *is drowning in a very shallow puddle*
Not sure if “life hack” exactly, but I fell down the stairs and now my whole family is being so nice and catering to my needs
*during an argument
**command Z, command Z
Well damn, that didn’t work
every day i feed my cats the exact same thing and every day they look at me like i got their order wrong
Tony Hawk Pro Skater implies the existence of an evil, parallel dimension Tony Hawk Anti Skater.
*At work, pulls 2 dryer sheets out of my uniform pants leg*
Adds magician to resume
DON’T make this weird…
(I whisper in your ear, as I pet your eyebrows)
I hate when I want to like a girl’s old picture to let her know I’m interested but I’ve already liked every single one.
You found poison in his stomach? But he HATED poison!
If wrestling is “fake” then explain this
Me: I’d like a nap please.
Domino’s employee: Ma’am, this is Domino’s.
Me: Ok one extra large nap and an order of cheesy bread.
Your Hunger Games name is the last injection you got plus the last thing you stepped on. I’m Tetanus Woodscrew
Me: ‘What’s on your menu?’
Restaurant Website: ‘Hahaha! Wouldn’t YOU like to know!’
Me: ‘Yes?’
RW: ‘Our chef trained in London.’
Me: ‘Cool, but what do you actually-’
RW: ‘Local ingredients are so important to us.’
Me: ‘Please, I just-’
RW: ‘RELAX IN OUR LAID-BACK ATMOSPHERE.’
My favorite bra broke and now I feel like there’s no one left to support me.
my boss: “keith you have 17 outstanding timesheets”
me: “they can’t be that good i haven’t done one in weeks”
If pigs do eventually fly I bet they’ll take off from airporks.