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If you’re worried about the birth rate then venmo me $400,000 and I will have a child
Me and the dogs are watching a Tom and Jerry cartoon. They appreciate the blue and yellow hues, and I like the orchestral score, but we’re not buying the improbable plot twists and we bemoan the lack of character depth
ME: Tear this breadstick open, I think you’re gonna like what’s inside.
GIRLFRIEND: YOU DIDN’T! {breaks it open} It’s just filled with cheese.
ME: Happy 10th anniversary babe.
whoever you are. wherever you are. bring back our tupperware.
Somebody’s lying.
(To the pilot as I’m getting off the plane) Yeah right here is good.
My husband and I took our dog Ruckus ride and when he turned down a road with huge potholes I said, “ouch” and a few seconds later he said I’M SO SORRY RUCKUS, I’M TRYING TO AVOID THE HOLES!
I hope one day to find someone who loves me as much as my husband loves the dog.
It’s that time of year again where I go to random restaurants to tell random women, “So this is why you cancelled our date” while they’re out with their significant others
If I’m ever arrested, I would use my one phone call for pizza.
I accidentally used my wife’s fabric scissors to cut wrapping paper and now the cops are here. Jk she called John Wick
Civil War only it’s half of your hair that is chill and the other half that wants to secede from your head.
Any room can be a bathroom if you hate the person who’s house you’re in.
Current fitness level: my arm gave out while blow drying my hair.
grandmas be like imma stay for a few days and reset your children back to factory settings
To all the people who blocked me and can see my tweets I want to say that making your own chicken, beef, and seafood stock is a rewarding experience. They can be used for more than bases for soups but as a flavor booster in many recipes and can take your cooking to another level
My cat, an idiot: Those ornaments look exactly like my toys. Why can’t I play with them?
Me, pinnacle of animals: That felt frog wearing a top hat is to celebrate The Lord
Just saw a fat woman lick icing off of her sleeve so that is the last time I eat in front of a mirror.
*overheard in women’s bathroom*
I think there’s a guy in here.
Cholesterol has a special place in my heart.
Some people rescued a great white shark that washed up on a beach, just like sharks would do for us if we were carried out into the ocean.
Cop: you know why I pulled you over?
Me: You thought I was black?
Cop: Haha. Yep. You’re free to go sir
Sent an email to my Mom. Now I’m at her place showing her how to open it.
This BMI chart says I’m starting to get too short, how do I fix this?
Him: Yah, I like my meat rare
Me: Rare? Like, unicorn you mean?
Him: ……
Me: Our mom’s are friends, you have to finish the date
kids tv show: where do you think pizza was invented?
my four year old: a pizza shop
me: *fills out her application to harvard*
[first date]
ME: That’s a pretty name.
CASSIE: Thank you!
ME: Is it short for Casserole?
I secretly hope that twitter keeps extending the character limit as a social experiment, slowly conditioning our attention spans until we’re able to read actual books again
I gave up watching X-Files after realizing Mulder was NOT actually his own alien-abducted sister who was returned as a boy and was suppressing the memory.
People are lot less judgey when you say you ate an ‘avocado salad’ instead of a bowl of guacamole