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Friend: I love your gray eyeshadow!
Me: I’m not wearing eyeshadow.
Gonna turn my life around!
[10 min later]
Oh well, I tried.
Mom, can you come pick me up? I’m at a party and someone is coughing.
If you’re not supposed to have sex in an elevator, why are the ceilings mirrored?
Now security is showing me out.
Starting to think that having kids just to get some help around the house was a bad idea.
*Corrects the grammar on your Christmas card and mails it back*
I called a driver in the school drop off line a moron and 7 very solemnly said… Santa heard that.
Met a hot girl in the bar.
She said if I give her 500 bucks she’ll show me a real good time. So I gave her 500 bucks and she ran 100 meters in 12 seconds.
Did you know?
A cowbird will sneak into another bird’s nest, lay her egg, and leave it for the other bird to raise.
And I’ll be damned if that isn’t the best parenting hack I’ve ever heard.
[first day as car salesman]
Customer: Cargo space?
Me: Car no do that. Car no fly.
Manager: Can I see you in my office?
I’ll photoshop my youngest into old pics just to make him stop crying about not being a part of the family before he was born.
Labreador
Hospice was my favorite spice girl,
into all kinds of freaky things and took good care of my grandma
Martha Stewart: Good wrapping should only require three pieces of tape
Pivo: Bad wrapping can also only use three pieces of tape
How to shape your eyebrows
A thread
You can learn a lot about a guy when you go through the pockets of his pants that are at his ankles in the bathroom stall next to your’s.
People joke about being left hangin, but it’s not funny to me. My cousin died from an unrequited high five.
Guess who went all day without dropping food on her shirt?
Not me, but I’m sure somebody somewhere did.
Let’s get married and have kids so instead of enjoying coffee in the morning you can braid hair while I pack lunches and we can all be late.
date: So what do you do?
me: *pulls out stuffed fox* I’m a taxidermist
date: Oh wow
fox: and a ventriloquist
*leads a conga line off of a bridge
Everyone was texting her good morning sunshine, so I texted her “good morning solar eclipse”
Yeah, don’t do that.
*Removes smoke detector battery
**Cooks in silence
Guy who treats establishing shots like people on here treat sex scenes. Rolls his eyes any time we see a building’s exterior. “The characters are inside. Why do we need to see what the house looks like from the street.” Loudly groans whenever someone pulls up somewhere in a car
Wife: I didn’t buy the shirt because it was too crepey
Me: Creepy?
W: Crepey
M: Crappy?
W: Crepey!
M: Oh, okay…
W: You have no idea, do you?
When I’m inevitably murdered, my loved ones won’t say I always lit up a room, but instead “She kinda deserved it” and “I’m honestly surprised this didn’t happen sooner”
The aliens can learn about the human body the same way I did. Playing Operation.
Satan: What’s that?
God: Babies. I made them the sweetest creatures in the universe.
Satan: I see. *invents screaming*
God: lol good one!
I always make sure the garage door is shut. Wouldn’t want hoodlums stealing the stuff I’ve been meaning to get rid of for years; hell, decades
All of my friends are getting married and loving their careers and then there’s me, luring wayward ships into the rocks with ethereal songs.