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“Hello, Yes, This is Otter.”
Yet another “No DMs” bio. All this civil rights progress but bigotry against Dungeon Masters is still tolerated.
[surgeon in the recovery room] in addition to the hernia we also found $20 in change
[me who’s always been a good tipper] you’re welcome
I’m now on year 3 of the ‘7 day ab challenge’
*Googles myself*
“Oh so that’s why I didn’t get the job.”
Apparently I can’t enroll someone in anger management classes against their will.
Now what the hell am I supposed to do with my toddler?
At least chocolate chip cookies don’t look like brains. I’m talking about you, cauliflower.
Goat: So, I make a ridiculous sound?
God: Yes.
Goat: Anything else weird I should know about?
God: Horizontal Pupils
Goat: What the- *stiffens, falls sideways*
God: YouTube is gonna love you.
Waiter: Any questions about the menu?
Me: Exactly how old are these ancient grains? I don’t want to eat anything that’s expired.
Me high af: are you in line?
Mannequin:
Flight attendant: Is there a doctor on this flight?
Dad: *nudging me* that should’ve been you
Me: Not now Dad
Dad: Not asking for a bilingual journalist to help, are they?
Flight attendant: We need a Spanish translator
Me: *puts book down*
If Kevin Spacey doesn’t sign his name like this
Kevin E
Then he’s pretty damn stupid…
Did you ever ask your parents what went wrong, people named Lasagna?
*lays down on memory foam mattress*
mattress: remember that time you pooped your pants in 3rd grade?
me: I regret buying you
Cat 911: what’s your emergency
Cat: my human is bleeding to death!
911: stay calm. what happened
Cat: she tried to pet my stomach so i bit her
911:
Cat:
911: hahahaha
Cat: hahahaHA
Cat Paramedics: *arriving on scene* HAHAHAHA
Picture me naked.
Wrong.
More plates of nachos stacked around me.
They say old habits die hard…
My ex was an old habit, here’s to hoping.
I might not be girlfriend material but I’m definitely
Spent $500 on groceries today. Any minute now, one of my kids will list 10 things I forgot.
Humans were not meant to have this many passwords
My vehicle’s anti-theft device is standard transmission.
If Kim Kardashian & Snooki were drowning & I could only save one, I’d have a hard time deciding whether to make a sandwich or take a nap.
Wait, there’s a big difference.
Did you say I look like THE Rock or did you say I look like A rock?
Bow Wow’s full name is actually Boward Woward
[wife answering phone]
Gary, it’s 3am! Where are you?“I don’t have time for questions, but if you ever wanted a peacock tell me now!”
Am I romantic?
I do the rose petal thing but I use potato salad.
So, I don’t know.
You tell me.
friend: I was named after my father
me: *aware of how time flows* correct
My wife complains that she has a big ass, I just wish she would stop pointing at me when she says it.
babe wake up, it’s stupid outside
I wish my hair had as much volume as my mouth.