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I just ate my yogurt with a fork, because I’ve learned that if it looks like you have your shit together, people ask you to do stuff.
TREE: [sees christmas tree thru window] who dose he think he is. all dressed up. too good to be outside
ANOTHER TREE: be nice, he is dying
A hearty round of applause for Starbucks, please.
5-year-old: Can I borrow a dollar?
Me: You don’t have a job. How will you pay me back?
5:
Me:
5: I’ll borrow another dollar.
Hope my marriage can make it through another season of disagreement over the pronunciation of pecan.
Just saw 2 men with nets, a bag of worms and some rods. Definitely something fishy going on
the year is 2042. a man is fired for doing “the robot” in a mixed crowd of humans and androids at the company xmas party.
My therapist said to choose a “calming” word to keep repeating to myself when I’m angry. I chose “Stabbing”.
We’ll see if it helps.
The next man who calls me deluded is going to regret it when he finds me sitting in his house wearing a wedding dress.
[Restaurant]
Waiter: “Dogs aren’t allowed in restaurants.”
Me: “He’s my service dog.”
My dog: “I’m here to fix your refrigerator.”
Therapist: Go to your happy place
Me: Ok
Therapist: Good, where are you?
Me: In a bathtub full of Sausage Egg McMuffins
Therapist: I’m sorry, what?
Me: The beach, I said the beach
Sometimes I question the medical advice on Twitter. With that said, I’ve removed my appendix. Now what?
[alternate reality]
[dogs walking their humans on leashes]
dog1: have u heard of upman?
dog2: whats upman?
dog1: not much man whats up w/ u?
Kids: “Mom watch this. Watch this. Mom. Mama. Mama watch this. You’re not looking. Mom look. Look at me. You’re not looking.”
Me: merging onto the highway
‘Just Do It (Yourself)’
NIKEA
Fight club but just dueling neighbor’s aggressively leaf blowing leaves onto each other’s lawns.
A “clear memory” button, but for my brain.
And while we’re at it, a “delete cookies” button, but for my thighs.
Is Mark short for something like Markathon?
#Caturday
CLASSIC ROCK DJ: What should I play?
ANGEL ON HIS SHOULDER: Wow, so many options! Decades of music and thousands of bands to choose from!
DEVIL ON HIS SHOULDER: What about the same 14 songs over and over again?
This salad tastes like I’ll be eating spaghetti at midnight. 😒
oh you hate me? name all of my flaws
Starting next year, Santa comes in the afternoon while the kids are watching Netflix in their rooms so we don’t have to stay up all night assembling shit.
RT to cosign.
I get it February, I can only leap about once every four years too.
I am truly grieving for everyone who thinks they are too cool to wear a fanny pack because you all deserve to live this unencumbered hands-free lifestyle
I thought I was getting myself a new couch but apparently I was getting my dog a new bed
*84th flr*
CW: You look sad, can I cheer you up?
M: Heard Van Halen’s “Jump”?
CW: Sure!
Me: Jump out that window and sing it on the way down
im not former gifted student. i am still gifted. put me in a fourth grade class i’ll annihilate them all like i did the first time