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Person: Hi, my name is *my brain plays 3 seconds of air horn*
Me: I’m sorry, what was that?
Person: I’m *air horn*
Me: Again?
Person:
Not to brag, but I can get a guy to date me for 3 whole dates before he runs for his life
Any time I throw up, I stare at it like I’m getting a message from the past.
My Twitter bio was too long so I’m putting it here
*goes produce shopping*
Wife: Get in line & watch the cart.
Me: OK.
Wife: I’ll be right back.*minds peas & queues*
A wise man once said “Just one small positive thought in the morning can change your whole day”
Me: “i think i’ll stay in bed”
[on deathbed – calls for son]
“…..if you highlight the shit out of a document, people will think you read it…..”
A pub landlord walks into a stable. A horse says “what’s with the big fat tum-tum?” followed by “not nice, is it?”
wife: what r u doing
me: shredding my birth certificate
wife: why
me: *starts disappearing* it’s working
Good morning & happy hump day! Today is also “National Red Wine Day” 🤣🤣🤣
HER: I have something I want to tell u
ME: me too
HER: *smiles coyly* same time?
ME: sure
HER: 1,2,3 I LOVE YO-
ME: ONE TIME I ATE DOG FOOD
I’m concerned that some of you are experts in your fields of employment.
You never say “I love you” back
Tater tots:
If you REALLY need to get laid tonight, put on your oldest or most ridiculous underwear. It works every single time.
Ryan Reynolds Said What?!
An underage sweater walks into a bar for the third time.
The bartender says, “I’m gonna need to see your cardigan.”
I’m not Madagascar, I’m just disappointedgascar
I am not a parody account. I am The Lord thy God, King of the Universe, and I am communicating by Twitter because My fax is broken.
Her: I’m an only child
Me: There are literally billions of children
Your Twitter audience
Expectations vs. Reality
Computer: Choose a password.
Me: 9Df6akt86lpd
Computer: Dude, this is a format tweet, don’t use your actual password.
We parents need to stop threatening our kids with a lump of coal. It’s cruel and outdated.
Behave or Santa will break your iPad, kids.
My favourite way to cut carbs is with a knife.
The pens at banks are attached to chains because they turn into werewolves during a full moon and it’s for the town’s protection.
No one warned me how funny it would be when my 3yo started using specific buzzwords to target my weaknesses. “Mommy, we should buy this. It is ON SALE. And it is HEALTHY FOR LITTLE CHILDREN.”
You have an October wedding, I’m bringing a 12 ft skeleton as my plus-one, Tamantha.
Yes, the 5:00 whistle! I’m so excited I’m going to yell a catchphrase of some sort and slide right down the tail of an unidentified dinosaur on my way to clock out!
hotel guest: what room am I in?
me: this is the lobby
manager: can I talk to you
dog: [watching me take a shit] awkward, isn’t it
He’s making his list…He’s checkin’ it twice.
He left it at home.
He’s texting his wife.